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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23929963">Never truly by yourself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shama_Nina/pseuds/Shama_Nina'>Shama_Nina</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ANBU root - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Blood, Bulimia, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, Family, Friendship, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hurt Hatake Kakashi, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Injury, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective gai, Recovery, Service Dogs, Suicide, Team as Family, Triggers, War, don't ignore your problems, even after the first chapter is sad, kind of, learn to live with them instead, not as dark as it sounds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:55:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>53,217</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23929963</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shama_Nina/pseuds/Shama_Nina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi Hatake is an infamous person, but there are lot's of things that people don't know about him.</p>
<p>He lived a life full of trauma, some damage will never fully go away again. His depression and eating disorder for example, luckily he has Gai with him who cared for him since his childhood, a pack of loving dogs and friendships so strong they resemble the family he thought he had lost.</p>
<p>( Follows canon events of his childhood and later Naruto storyline pretty well I think, but it's not easy with that unclear timeline Kishimoto-sensei left us with ^^'' )</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hatake Kakashi &amp; Kakashi's Ninken, Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Suicide and what it does to the people left behind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well, I'm pretty insecure about this, but I really wanted to write it, so here is it anyway. Feedback would be great, no beta here ^^''</p>
<p>I wanted it to be as close to canon as possible, because with all the things the characters go though it's just unrealistic to expect no trauma at all. This is what felt most realistic to me, so don't expect any romanticization on the topic, but it won't get too graphic either. It's more about comfort and support, but in the first chapter the characters are just children. They don't know how to deal with these things professionally yet, but they, especially Gai, will learn ^^<br/>POV's Gai as well</p>
<p>By the way, I really love Kakashi's dogs :3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hatake Kakashi is known as a lot of things. He is the famous Copy Ninja, son of the white fang, a feared Anbu Captain, the youngest graduate of our academy, youngest Chunin as well not to mention Jonin, sole surviving member of team Minato, beloved teacher, leader of the third division in the fourth great war and last but not least the sixth Hokage of Konohagakure.</p>
<p>Most people tend to forget while listening to all those titles that Kakashi is only human beneath them.</p>
<p>A human with history, just like all of us.<br/>He is the only child of Sakumo Hatake, his mother dying while giving birth, leaving the already war marked and clearly depressed man to raise their child alone.</p>
<p>I do not remember a lot of the man as I am only a year older than Kakashi himself, but I know that he loved his son fiercely. But he was also still an active shinobi, leaving him alone for weeks on end as soon as he was able to care for himself.<br/>Kakashi, accordingly had to learn a lot of things early.</p>
<p>By the time he was three he was self-sufficient, cleaning the house while his father was away, doing the shopping on his own, cooking meals for himself, studying and training diligently to make Sakumo proud.</p>
<p>The white fang was acutely aware while raising his child that another war was impeding, he trained him for survival since day one in fear of losing his child way to early like he had lost his wife.<br/>It was no wonder the Hatake heir was said to be a prodigy like no other.</p>
<p>He was only four when entering the academy, the same year I did. His intelligence and knowledge about all subjects a Ninja had to learn before earning the title Genin outshone everyone else in our class. He was promoted within a year, at five the youngest graduate ever, leaving me behind effortlessly.</p>
<p>Even before he was assigned as part of a team horrible news travelled through Konohagakure like bush fire.</p>
<p>The day Sakumo Hatake killed himself was a very black day in all of our history. The man was shunned and shamed for things that should have made him a hero. Instead the village pressured the already depressed and veteran single father into suicide.</p>
<p>I remember how all the shinobi looked down on him, even after word of his passing got around, even in front of his orphaned son they would not shut up, laughing and gossiping about this failure of a man.</p>
<p>I also remember thinking that Kakashi had to be the strongest and most noble young man out there. He did simply not react, walking by as if he wasn’t even hearing the taunts about his beloved father.</p>
<p>Later, much too late sadly, I realized he was not just his cool and aloof self while passing the people who badmouthed his family name, he was not calm, but empty instead. Did he even hear the mean words they said? Or was he already lost in his own head?</p>
<p>The third probably thought not much would change anyway after Sakumo’s death, he let the boy live by himself even after. Even though people told stories about how the little boy found his father’s dead body in that very house he still lived in.</p>
<p>These words alone hurt so much that I asked myself how he could bare it. The thought of losing my father was so painful that I could not think it through, let alone live in a house stained by his blood…</p>
<p>In the end I learned that he himself couldn’t handle it either, he was just too damn good at hiding it from everyone else, but I wanted to care for him so badly that I did not give up, even after being berated by our teachers and classmates and being ignored by Kakashi himself.</p>
<p>It was painful back then, but I could not show my hurt when I knew Kakashi was in much bigger pain and in the end I am very grateful that I did not give up, that I ignored their claims that the prodigy was just fine on his own, he had basically raised himself after all and was technically a grown-up as a Genin.</p>
<p>Today I’m sure Kakashi would have died very young if nobody went to look after him back then.</p>
<p>I went to his house every day, but he never came to open the door. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he was home at all, there never were any lights on.<br/>And then I found him, sitting in the graveyard, the rain pouring onto his small form, soaking the dark clothes he wore and making his usually wild and lively hair limp, hanging down onto his hitching shoulders and sticking to what was visible of his pale face.</p>
<p>I realized this to be a fitting description for his personality as well. The boy that was known for his arrogance and sarcasm, his strong will and intelligence had been all but empty since the death of his father.</p>
<p>It felt horrible, seeing him like this, watching him get up and trudging through the mud back to his house, unsure if the wetness beneath his deep, grey eyes was rainwater or tears.</p>
<p>I knew he saw me, but he did not acknowledge my presence in any way, even as I followed him back to that house. I was standing there on the porch for a while, looking for any lights, trying to catch sounds of the only person still living here, but nothing happened.</p>
<p>Kakashi was living in darkness and silence, he had to be lonely in there, I decided in needed to change that, to help him even if he didn’t want that…</p>
<p>I continued to visit his house every day. Right after school I would go and knock on the door to the Hatake clan house. Nothing happened, so I simply waited. I did my homework on his porch, did my training in his garden, sometimes I even ate there when my own father was not home.</p>
<p>Meanwhile Kakashi was assigned to be part of a Genin team. I heard his sensei was Minato Namikaze, he was a teacher truly befitting of a prodigy like Kakashi as he was known as one of the best shinobi our village had to offer.<br/>His teammates I did not know much about except for the name Uchiha maybe. But I sincerely hoped they got along well, Kakashi had a lot of admirers, but no friends, and right now he needed definitely friends!</p>
<p>With all the time I spent in front of that house I quickly learned Kakashi’s schedule.<br/>He usually wasn’t home yet when I first knocked on his door, he was training with his team, sometimes even doing small missions. Afterwards he spent some time inside, I heard some barking, but no other noise to indicate what he was doing and then he left again to train some more.</p>
<p>The barking was probably just his ninken, I had seen one of the dogs at the academy when Kakashi told our teachers he was already familiar with summoning and had in fact several contracts with Ninja dogs, a tradition of the Hatake clan.</p>
<p>I followed him to the training grounds, my requests to train together were always ignored, just like my presence in general. This lasted for about six weeks, then Kakashi began to curse loudly whenever he saw me.</p>
<p>Most people would be put out by his aggressions but I thought it was nice. Seeing the boy screaming and cursing, sometimes going as far as attacking me was still so so much better than seeing the empty shell he was before.</p>
<p>Still, he didn’t look good. He was haggard, his sharp eyes sunken into his skull, the bags beneath them so dark they reminded me of bruises rather than sleepless nights. His hair was more out of control than ever and greasy, not to mention how bad he smelled on most days.</p>
<p>I never saw him bring any groceries home anymore and asked myself if the already small boy was eating enough.</p>
<p>How did nobody else see this?! Most people didn’t even look at Kakashi, as if he were an insult to their eyes, not to mention the faces they pulled if they got a whiff of him.</p>
<p>The days I did not go to school I spent watching his team’s training. Minato certainly tried to talk to the young boy, but he pushed him out very effectively from what I could gather from afar. His constant fights with the Uchiha child probably didn’t help.</p>
<p>The blond team leader often took the three children out to eat, and for a second I was glad, because at least that meant Kakashi was eating, right?!<br/>But soon after I learned that he mostly refused the invitations and even when bullied into going with his team he only ate very little, taking the rest with him only to throw the food away before even reaching his home.</p>
<p>After about four months of my constant presence in his life Kakashi was a lot more docile around me. Well, he still mostly ignored me, but the insults had ceased and we began training side by side. Not together, he still refused that, but he was fine when I simple joined him in his katas or did my own thing next to him.</p>
<p>He sat on the porch to his house or in his garden with me, sometimes pointing out mistakes in my homework while his dogs were running around. There were eight of them, truly an impressive number befitting of my rival!<br/>Other than that, he was mostly silent. I tried asking him some questions about how he was doing, but all he said was that D-rank missions were beneath him and that he finally wanted a real challenge, or complaining about how incompetent Obito Uchiha was.</p>
<p>That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to know, but he was talking and that was great development! At least I thought so for a while.</p>
<p>Then, one day I was sitting on the porch again, it was raining so Kakashi and the dogs preferred the indoors. I heard a loud clatter, the unmistakable sound of a body hitting the wooden floorboards followed by loud and erratic barking.</p>
<p>I knew it was not my place to enter the house, Kakashi never invited me in, but there was no sound of the boy who had fallen getting back up and the dogs did not calm down either, so I rushed inside and quickly found the herd of ninken surrounding an unconscious Kakashi on the living room floor.</p>
<p>A tray laid next to him, full of ceramic dog bowls, some of them only shards now because of the fall they had taken, others only a little chipped.</p>
<p>The smallest dog, a brown one with a crunched-up nose and a wiggly tail, Pakkun if I remembered correctly, was barking orders at the other, to get back and make room!</p>
<p>I appreciated this greatly as the dogs stepping back allowed me to get closer to Kakashi, laying my fingers against his covered neck and searching for a pulse.<br/>I found it quickly, it’s beat was strong, but very fast, while his breathing appeared shallow.</p>
<p>Turning him onto his side into a stable position was easy, he was very light, way smaller than me and for once cooperating just fine, as he was still unconscious. It was a morbid thought that I just wanted to forget while patting his masked cheek carefully to get him to wake up.</p>
<p>He was shivering like crazy, which was weird, because even though it was raining outside it was never really cold in fire country, but at least he was slowly stirring again, the dogs around us began whining and creeping closer again.</p>
<p>Pakkun put a paw in his face, sitting by his head dutifully as soon as Kakashi tried to sit up.<br/>“Stay down for a while pup, you gave all of us a big scare there.” He said in a gruff voice and the others joined in barking and whining agreement.</p>
<p>“What happened, are you okay?!” I asked while our eyes met and he blinked a little confused about the fact that I was in his house and by his side.<br/>“I just got up a little to fast, nothing to worry about.” He answered in a monotonous voice, letting his eyes wander over the broken bowls in his field of vision.</p>
<p>One of the larger dogs, a very thin one, Uhei was his name disappeared only to return with a bottle of water in his snout, nudging his contract holder with it until he took it from him, Pakkun releasing him so he could sit up and drink.</p>
<p>Guruko, a dog with long, brown ears took the opportunity to sit in his master’s lap and paw at his chest. “Kakashi, you need to eat, eat something please!” he was whinning and I was shocked for a second, even though I had already feared the orphaned boy was not looking after himself.</p>
<p>Instead of answering the pleas of his dog he just pets his head, massaging the soft ears in his hand that was not holding onto the water bottle.<br/>“Have you been eating well Kakashi?” I asked now, in a sombre and calm way not many people would think me capable of as everything I did tended to be boisterous and loud.</p>
<p>The other boy remained stoically silent, so I just stood up and went into the room Uhei had come from assuming it was the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?! This is my house, you can’t just...!” The end of the sentence was cut off by a frustrated sound as he was probably trying to get up, but was held down by a pile of worried, fluffy bodies.</p>
<p>So I took my time investigating the kitchen. It was big and bright, clean as well, adorned with quality knives and pans from what I could tell. The only thing missing in it was food. There were some apples in a bowl, but I knew they were from the tree in the garden, gathered so they would not rot on the floor.</p>
<p>In the cabins were some spices and flour, but not much else, the fridge was even worse. Rows and rows of bottled water and a bowl of stale looking, plain miso soup.<br/>The only thing I came up with that was of substance were ration bars, and even though they were a good thing for missions apparently, high in protein and energy, they tasted like dry sand at best.</p>
<p>Even more worrying was a drawer full of pills. These were designed for missions as well, vitamins and caffeine and glucose, perfect because of the small effort to swallow them and the high calorie count, not to mention that they kept you alert and awake even after days of no sleep.</p>
<p>Was this what Kakashi was living off since the death of his father? Water, ration bars and pills?!</p>
<p>I noticed the soft sound of claws clicking on the wooden floor and turned around only to find Pakkun once again staring up at me. “Is this all he’s been eating?” I asked him, sounding hollow even to my own ears.</p>
<p>The small dog replied with a simple nod, sad look painting his dark doggy eyes, gesturing for me to follow him.</p>
<p>He led me through several unused rooms, they looked dusty and old compared to the clean and orderly living space and kitchen area. As if Kakashi was putting up a front in case anybody would visit. Not that anybody ever did.</p>
<p>The only room that looked even vaguely lived in was completely trashed, the pillows on the floor ripped, bookcases overthrown, clothing strewn around. I noticed a small stuffed animal in the wreckage and picked it up carefully. It was a dog.<br/>That was all it took to make me realize that this was Kakashi’s room. Sakumo was the last Hatake and Kakashi had been his only child, the only need for toys in a house like this. </p>
<p>I swallowed and took the plush dog with me, following a real one through this house befitting a crime scene better than a place for a child to live in.</p>
<p>The washroom we passed was dark, not much to see there except a mountain of unwashed clothes laying in one corner, and some rusted looking kunai next to them making the room smell of sweat and blood. I quickly turned from it and watched as the dog sat down by the entrance of the last room.</p>
<p>The room looked like a massacre had taken place in the house. The tatami floor was drenched with blood at the centre, the spray reaching out further into the direction of the door we were standing in. The stench permeating it could only be described as death.</p>
<p>This was Sakumo-san’s room, this was where he committed suicide, perfectly clean and untouched other than the stains.</p>
<p>Right next to the dried puddle of blood was a small handprint, way too small to be that of a man, way smaller even than a woman’s. It was the handprint of a child. So it was true, Kakashi was the one to find his dad.</p>
<p>There were more handprints, some footprints as well and finally some paws in between.</p>
<p>“Sakumo wasn’t dead yet when he found him. Kakashi summoned me, panicked and crying, desperately trying to hold his father’s guts in, begging me to get help. But there was nothing we could do, it was too late already. When I came back with a medic he was gone. It was very traumatic for him. He is usually a calm und dutiful boy, but he has neglected anything but his training since that night.<br/>I know you are only a puppy like him, but there is only so much us dogs can do, he can just send us away when we pester him too much, but he can’t do that to you. Please Gai-san, keep an eye on Kakashi for us.”</p>
<p>The small dog sounded very formal and old while explaining these things and asking me for my help in the face of this room full of blood and hurt.<br/>He called us puppies, but in fact he looked just as young as the other dogs did, he was just like us only taking on the role of caring for Kakashi very early. I could understand that feeling pretty well and nodded earnestly.</p>
<p>“It would be a great honour Pakkun-san.” I told him before going back to Kakashi.</p>
<p>He was still sitting on the floor, cuddled by his dogs and surrounded by ceramic shards with a relaxed face, as if all this was just normal for him by now. “You saw.” He stated the obvious without emotion. Like a good shinobi, some would probably say.</p>
<p>I nodded and crouched next to him, keeping intent watch of his face even though half of it was covered by a mask as always.<br/>“You can’t stay here, it’s not good for you my rival! You are a Genin, you can ask the Hokage to give you an apartment with the other shinobi. There won’t be so much space to clean, you can wash your clothes and have warm showers, sleep in a soft bed and eat real food again. Not these ration things, but home cooked meals because I, Maito Gai challenge myself to learn cooking for you!”</p>
<p>I sounded enthusiastic as ever while declaring so because I simply knew, Kakashi would not want pity, he was an honourable man, the youngest Genin already! He was perfectly capable of caring for himself, just maybe not in this house anymore…</p>
<p>If I handed the stuffed dog over to him and his grey eyes just stared at me and the small toy before taking it back with shaking hands nobody would mention it ever again, because shinobi did have no need for childish things like that.</p>
<p>Only a few days later, after a successful C-rank mission Kakashi asked to Hokage for an apartment instead of his pay. His team looked utterly confused he told me later, just as the Sandaime did, but the old man agreed as soon as his brain registered the request, handing him a key to a hole in the wall place on the fifth floor in a building full of other shinobi.</p>
<p>I continued my tradition, visiting the boy every day, bringing food with me, that I myself cooked. Even though it tasted pretty bad in the beginning Kakashi ate without complaining.</p>
<p>Much, much later I would learn that Kakashi’s struggle with food was an outlet for his severe depression, an eating disorder that would never fully leave him alone after developing in his troubled childhood. But for now, he looked better, his place and his hair was clean, there was no clothing lying around, he smelled good and at least ate when I was with him.<br/>The small stuffed dog sat in his bed, half hidden by a mound of soft pillows.</p>
<p>He was in peek condition from what I saw while training, doing increasingly difficult missions with his team. By the time I graduated he was already promoted Chunin and even though the young Hatake would never agree, I think we were friends even back then. Well, at least he accepted to be my rival after seeing me at my own exam later on!</p>
<p>Things were looking good, until they suddenly didn’t anymore.</p>
<p>It had been foreseeable for years now but that didn’t make it any easier to be living in times of war. Both of our missions got increasingly more dangerous and longer every time, my own promotion to Chunin not far from it.</p>
<p>We didn’t see each other very much anymore and I was full of worry for my reluctant friend. Not that I had much time for worry, my teammates Genma and Ebisu and our Sensei Choza needed my full strength and concentration for battle!</p>
<p>And then my own father died, I could finally understand how lonely Kakashi had been the following months. It was more painful than a punch directly to the nose, even more than a broken leg, I was without words for the hurt I felt. It never fully went away.</p>
<p>The next time I saw Kakashi he simply held his arms open, allowing me to cry on his shoulder, Pakkun sitting warmly in my lap, telling me to hold his paw in comfort.</p>
<p>At this point I really hoped the war would be over soon, there was so much lost already, what could they even take now?<br/>How wrong I was, there was so much more to lose still. After Obito died, Kakashi was once again left in tatters, coming home to me silent like he was the one dead with a blood red eye that would not stop crying and hurting.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Child soldiers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The aftermath of Kannabi Bridge mission and the mess it makes out of Kakashi. Gai tries to pick up the pieces, but people are cruel.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Most of the things that happened on the Kannabi Bridge mission I did not know about until I was an adult and a very drunk Kakashi lamented about his failings on that day in front of the memorial stone that commemorated to all the lives lost during the third shinobi world war.<br/>It was the anniversary of Uchiha Obito’s death, a day that sent Kakashi back to rock bottom every year like clockwork.</p><p>When I was eleven years old Kakashi was promoted to the position of a Jonin. A great honour, but in times of war also a heavy burden. He was now allowed to take on his own missions, even lead others in battle.</p><p>His very first mission as a Jonin was the destruction of Kannabi bridge with Minato being called away to the frontlines. It was an important support route for our enemies, who were way bigger in numbers than us, so it was important to cut them off as best as we could.</p><p>The mission was a success, of course it was, but the young team paid a high price.</p><p>Instead of four people only three came back to Konoha, wounded and haunted by what they had seen.<br/>Kakashi’s stay at the hospital was brief, all of them are, but the bandages covering even more of his face than usual stayed for a long time, eventually being replaced by his forehead protector.</p><p>My friend lost an eye, that much was obvious, what I did not know was that it was replaced the day it was lost.</p><p>He was getting worse again, not talking for days sometimes, refusing to let me in when I visited with food. For a while I sat in front of his door again, complaining loudly about his un-youthful behaviour.<br/>One day I whispered through the wood that I was scared one of us would die and that our last memories from each other would be made through a door.</p><p>The door was never again locked after that.<br/>That did not mean he was willing to eat though, nevertheless talk. He often sat on the floor with his dogs, letting me join the challenge of giving the best pets silently, the happy sounds of ninken and my constant chatter fighting against the lonely silence that usually resided around the young Jonin.</p><p>I asked him why he did not eat when he refused my offerings, most of the times he ignored the question, but even when he answered it wasn’t usually very helpful.</p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Was his standard after a while, knowing I would never shut up about it if he did not answer my question eventually.</p><p>I knew that wasn’t true and he definitely knew that I knew. The only things in his apartment were bananas, good for electrolytes, plain rice and Miso soup with eggplant, Kakashi’s favourite food. There were ration bar wrappers laying around again, but for the time being I did not mention it. We were at war after all, food was expensive at the moment and pay was not good for inexperienced shinobi like us, even though we were inhabiting high ranks for our age.</p><p>One day he made a big confession after getting some of my curry down only to run to the small bathroom and throw it up again.</p><p>I was basically in tears, manly tears of concern may I say, asking if my curry was bad. It wasn’t, curry was my favourite and also my best dish.</p><p>“It’s not the food guy. Well at least not your food. It’s just that anything I put in my mouth right now tastes like dirt and blood. I don’t know why, but it’s gross. I just can’t eat.<br/>It doesn’t matter anyways, if everything tastes like shit, I can at least eat ration bars, I know they’re actually gross so it’s fine.” He stated without concern and went to drink some water instead, grabbing one of said bars, that had about the consistence of a brick, crunching away on it while I reluctantly finished the curry.</p><p>I accepted his answer, I still brought him real food though, encouraging him to at least try some, maybe we could find something that tasted good again. There was not a lot he was willing to eat, but he never outright refused me again.</p><p>He had taken the loss of his comrade to heart, even though they were never exactly friends from what I knew. Kakashi was finally able to show that he cared, even if he was still unable to say so with words.</p><p>Before leaving for his next mission he showed me his eye. Well, it wasn’t technically his eye but that of one Uchiha Obito. The red colour and the small black tomoe adorning it were unmistakable, Kakashi was now a user of the infamous sharingan.</p><p>“It’s a nuisance, just like Obito himself was. It hurts a lot and cries even more, I don’t know why, it just does. I promised him I would let him see the future this way.” To an outsider or even a civilian he might have sounded gruff, if not cruel by saying these things about the boy that had gifted him an eye in his dying breath, but I knew he was actually very fond of Obito now.</p><p>He was grateful and wanted to fulfil his promises, even taking on some of the dead Uchiha’s characteristics. He valued his comrades above all else now, even the mission. A new quirk of his was his lateness after being overly punctual for all his life.</p><p>On our first mission together during the war I learned that the sharingan was an amazing ability. Kakashi saw everything and was able to copy all jutsus, even those that didn’t merge with his usual affinity.<br/>He was also able to cast practically perfect Genjutsu and dispel those of the enemy within seconds. </p><p>As someone who was in general not very talented when it came to Ninjutsu or Genjutsu I was highly impressed, but I also noticed that it took a lot out of my dear rival to use the gifted Dojutsu.</p><p>He was not born with the famous Kekkei Genkai, it used up more chakra than it would in an Uchiha clan member, burning through the young Jonin’s resources within minutes. Fights that involved the power of the sharingan had to be over as fast as possible or they would leave him exhausted for days. It was a last resource card, a failsafe for his comrades, but not for him.</p><p>Furthermore, he was not able to deactivate the Dojutsu so he had to cover the eye up ever since, creating the same blind spot he had while without a second eye. And even when the eye was covered it often caused my friend pain, headaches that left him weak and nauseous on top of his already sensitive stomach.</p><p>He had to work on his stamina like no one else on his level did, constantly trying to gain a bigger and stronger chakra reserve and still he landed in hospital as often as no other shinobi because of how depleted his chakra was after fights.</p><p>Even though this eye was accompanied by struggle he quickly gained a reputation after that as Kakashi of the Sharingan and the Copy Ninja.<br/>He was proud of it, of the sacrifice Obito made for him, just like his Sensei was. Rin admired him greatly for his abilities, encouraging him whenever she could.</p><p>Next to mastering the sharingan he was also working in his own creation of a jutsu. A powerful lightning release. He was capable of using this technic before, but Kakashi was sure the only way to correctly use it was in combination with the sharingan. After years of training it finally reached perfection.</p><p>His left arm was covered in burn marks as a result.</p><p>I knew what he was doing even back then. Drowning himself in missions and training to forget about his loss. Even though it looked like he was coping well I knew he wasn’t, but he made sure that nobody else saw how much he struggled with falling asleep or keeping a full meal down, overworking himself to the point of exhausting instead.</p><p>Not that I was much better. I worked my own Taijutsu to absolute perfection, getting familiar with the gates to compensate my low abilities in the range of Gen and Ninjutsu.</p><p>Only few months after Obito Uchiha’s death Kakashi lost his second teammate.<br/>Rin was kidnapped right out of our middle, Kakashi going after her on his own like a crazed dog. After all he made a promise to protect her.</p><p>But Rin Nohara was dead.</p><p>The official rescue team sent by the Sandaime himself brought back seventeen dead bodies, one of them the young kunoichi they had been searching for, the rest of them enemies, killed in the fight, so horribly wounded, practically ripped apart that it would be difficult to identify them.</p><p>A lot of people who saw the bodies described it as a massacre only a wild beast could have caused.</p><p>They thought Kakashi did it, that he killed his friend and all of their enemies in a wild rage, bringing him back unconscious. Honestly, even if the village continued to badmouth the last surviving Hatake I was just glad that they didn’t bring him back in a body scroll as well.</p><p>The young shinobi did not wake for a whole week, his exhaustion deep enough to put him in a comatose state. The staff at the hospital was very concerned by this, telling themselves stories about the blood their patient had been covered in.<br/>His left hand, splattered up to his shoulder, fitting the hole burnt into the torso of our dead kunoichi.</p><p>I wasn’t sure about all these stories. Apparently the people of Konoha just liked to put the Hatake clan into a bad light, but they had a point about these things fitting together awfully well.</p><p>Still, they had no right to call him “friend killer Kakashi”. It was absolutely unacceptable behaviour. Behaviour that had led my best friend’s father into suicide, leaving his only child forever alone. And they had no idea about what they could probably do to his already fragile psych with words like that.</p><p>I visited my unconscious friend as often as I could and just sat next to him for hours, chattering as I was already used to his typical silence, filling the room with life, just hoping that he would wake up soon.</p><p>One day I was not allowed to enter his room though. Two Anbu guards were placed there, keeping me outside for hours.</p><p>I was still waiting patiently by the time the door opened again, several high-ranking shinobi, council members and the Hokage himself came out of the room, flanked by more Anbu.</p><p>I recognized one particular man as Inoichi Yamanaka, a ninja that was feared for his ability to look into minds and head of our interrogation department.</p><p>I averted my eyes while the procession passed, dry swallowing.</p><p>So Kakashi was finally awake and had already been debriefed. Or in this case rather interrogated and if the grim faces were anything to go by, he did not give good news while talking about what happened surrounding the death of his comrade.</p><p>At least the Anbu by the door left as well, that meant he was not in trouble for his actions or they definitely would have left someone to guard him, or even taken him with them.</p><p>As soon as they left, I sprinted into the room and closed the door behind me, meeting Kakashi’s single good eye while sitting down next to him.<br/>The rest of his face was covered by a simple surgical face mask and a white medical eyepatch, his hair hanging down without a headband obscuring even more of him than usual.</p><p>The sole grey eye that was visible was staring listlessly into open space, quickly shying away from meeting my eyes again. A classical thousand-yard stare. His posture was slouched, he didn’t look like he was focussing on anything at all. When I asked him how he was feeling he simply shrugged his thin shoulders.</p><p>I offered him water, he drank it as if I had commanded him to do it, mechanically and without care, spilling some of it with his shaking hands. Even if this wasn’t a good state of mind, I at least hoped he would eat this way, so I left to get some food.</p><p>He was gone when I came back. I felt panicked but tried to talk myself down. He was just exhausted, not injured, he couldn’t get worse with simply leaving the hospital, after all we’re talking about Kakashi Hatake, he was bound to escape the hospital sooner rather than later.</p><p>And there were only three places he could possibly be.</p><p>Option one would have been preferred, his apartment. It was his home, his safe place and comfort zone.<br/>Option two and three were more realistic though, because Kakashi was not the type to simply let himself rest after failing a promise like that.</p><p>The Hatake clan house was as empty and big as I remembered it. I looked into every dusty room, the bloodstains still as vibrant as half a decade ago. He was not there, that only left the cemetery.</p><p>There was no grave for Rin Nohara’s body yet, but the memorial stone still towered in the middle of the field, Obito’s name sitting in between hundreds of other names, other soldiers and friends fallen in combat.</p><p>In front of the black stone sat Kakashi, curled around his knees he was looking like an actual child for once because he was so small like that. It brought out his thin set of shoulders, a sign of a child that had not even reached puberty yet and was a soldier already.<br/>He wore a black long-sleeved shirt that was skin tight and didn’t quit reach his wrists anymore, connecting smoothly to his typical face mask. He still wore the medical eyepatch though and pants that looked to big on him, falling down his narrow hips. He was a mess, even someone that did not know him could probably tell.</p><p>“I failed my mission. I was supposed to protect her, to save her. I promised Obito and I failed. The people are right Gai, I’m friend killer Kakashi, I killed Rin. I put my fist right through her chest. I don’t remember, but I probably killed all of them after that.”</p><p>Once again Kakashi sounded empty, like he was a doll that only lived to fulfil missions, a perfect soldier that only spoke in terms of failure or success.</p><p>But he wasn’t, or he wouldn’t hurt like that after hearing his new nickname, or he wouldn’t be sitting here, by Obito’s memorial to confess his sins like this disaster was actually his fault. Which I didn’t believe for a second.</p><p>Kakashi was an honourable and honest man and he was sorry for his actions. Whatever the other shinobi thought, it didn’t matter. Rin’s death was not his fault.</p><p>I sat down next to him, holding onto his hand so he would not slip away again and tried asking him questions about what happened. I was afraid, not of the horror stories Kakashi could tell of these events, not after all the things I myself had seen and done in this war, but for my friend who had to live with this horrible burden now.</p><p>Because he certainly believed in the accusations the elders had thrown at his head.</p><p>But Kakashi didn’t talk, couldn’t. After hours of sitting there, not saying anything he showed me his tongue. He probably built up courage in the hours I tried to press him for answers, because it was the first time, he showed me his face.</p><p>He was beautiful, even back then, but he didn’t show his face to me because he wanted to, but because he felt obliged so I didn’t comment on it, tried to focus on the tongue and on nothing else, like any gentleman in such a situation should.</p><p>And really, what he showed me was horrifying enough to make my rivals mysterious face only a background note for the time being.</p><p>His tongue was painted with a large black seal. He was literally unable to talk about the events that surrounded Rin’s rescue and her untimely death.</p><p>Over the years and a lot of research in legally grey areas I learned that a coup and the Sanbi were involved, unwillingly planted into the poor, dead girl, the information was so sensitive that they sealed it away permanently. The seals were so strong in fact that they were more or less illegal by now, the only other organisation to use them was ROOT.</p><p>The only thing Kakashi was able to say of that day was that he killed Rin and people tore him apart for that. As soon as the Jonin was “recovered” he was relocated into Anbu.</p><p>Recovered was a very loose term though. He was in a very bad place, so I visited even more, to make sure he would rest and eat. Which he didn’t on his own, I just knew.</p><p>And Anbu only made him worse, the brutality of his missions biting into the psych of my friend like vicious fangs. There was a time I was constantly afraid to find him dead.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The shards of hope cut deeper than any knife</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What war does to it's warriors, hope blooming in times of peace and lives shattering in the wake of old ghosts wreaking havoc. It's an intense chapter for all characters</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are two sides of war. Not just good and bad, not the sides of winners and losers, but about how the flow of time seemed to change within, creating a unique kind of paradox.</p><p>Later, when you read about war in history books it appears simple. After all the reader usually already knows the outcome. You know how long a war lasts, which battles were most important, the number of casualties and which well-known personalities would die.</p><p>While living in wartime you don’t know anything. As a simple soldier there is no bigger picture, no long bouts of strategic planning and hopes of ending things in our favour, whatever that’s even supposed to mean.</p><p>We only followed our higher ups. Mercenaries, soldiers, all shinobi alike only receive mission after mission, we are led into battle without questioning the goals behind them. That’s what you get paid for at the end of the day, if you survive that is.</p><p>The fights always feel fast, even if they last for days without rest. It’s action and adrenalin, there’s only the mission objective and pure, instinctual will to survive.</p><p>In the beginning everybody hopes war ends fast, that everybody can go home to families and friends again, celebrate, because at the beginning of war everybody thinks they are the winner.</p><p>After a while, you simply loose count of the battlefields you’ve seen, of the enemies you killed ruthlessly. It happens so fast.</p><p>And then there are days that seem absolutely endless, time flows as thick as molasses between battle.</p><p>Squatting in a field camp for weeks with only plain rice and ration bars, no privacy at all, fifty shinobi practically sleeping on each other and no friends or joking around, because you don’t befriend people who could die the very next day, isn’t a very nice experience.<br/>
With nothing to do but wait the days start to feel like months instead.</p><p>Then there are the days in Konoha, they seem just as endless, because being in Konoha while war rages just outside means guard duty, rigid in fear or bored out of your mind or recovery after an injury that some jungle style field lazarette was not built to deal with.</p><p>Both cases left a shinobi feeling useless, myself included, but I always had a front row seat to see how terrible Kakashi felt whenever he was unable to be an active part of the fight.<br/>
Though honestly, he wasn’t much better even when he was active, and not bound to bed due to exhaustion or grave injuries.</p><p>Anbu really didn’t do him much good, but by the time he was eleven years old he already gained reputation as Anbu hound. Of course most shinobi in our village could easily identify his small statue and the grey hair as the Hatake heir, not to mention his significant style in combat, it was an open secret, but nobody spoke of it. Of what use would the mask and uniform even be if people knew?</p><p>It was probably a lot easier to pretend things were alright if you were able to ignore the eleven-year-old boy behind that mask, that was regularly sent out on slaughter missions. Assassination seemed like too nice of a word for the things my rival had to do for our village.</p><p>Not that he was able to tell me much about the missions themselves. It wasn’t as bad as the seal I had seen on my best friend’s tongue, but all missions of rank S swore you to secrecy. He would probably be denounced as a traitor if he would have told me any more.</p><p>But he didn’t really need to speak about them to make me understand the horrors he went through.</p><p>By the time Kakashi hit twelve he had a significant growth spurt, with his uniforms he looked a lot more adult to most other people I guess, but in my eyes, he looked more fragile than ever.</p><p>He was so incredibly thin, only consisting of stretched skin, stringy muscles, sinews and prominent bones. There was not a trace of healthy baby fat left, but he also didn’t have the strong width that real adults carried with them.</p><p>Especially compared to my own frame Kakashi looked plain out underfed. I wasn’t much taller than him yet, but my shoulders were much wider, my arms and legs thicker, my chest and abdomen muscled strongly instead of being all bony ribs.</p><p>And I knew it wasn’t because he wasn’t training, he was still way stronger than me in every aspect back then.<br/>
He wasn’t eating.</p><p>Whenever I came to visit Kakashi was simply laying on his small couch, one of the dogs nestled at his side, with the blinds shutting out the sun. The constant use of his sharingan eye was the source of intense migraines, he probably felt to weak to summon all his beloved ninken at the same time. Like he had to preserve his strength for the actual fight, that definitely awaited him instead of his own comfort.</p><p>I continued my stubborn tradition to bring him food but quickly learned that meat dishes made him even more nauseous than his headaches. I didn’t ask the reason, I already knew, so I only cooked vegetarian recipes from now on.<br/>
Seeing all the squishy insides of a human had that effect on a lot of ninja.</p><p>But even after adjusting my cuisine it was still rare to see my friend sit through a whole meal together. In the middle of his plate he had to get up, the sound of retching clear and haunting throughout the small apartment. He didn’t want comfort, so I left him alone, my heart feeling too heavy in my chest.</p><p>I tried again, only sticking to light dishes. Vegetable rice, water-based soups, flat bread and grilled zucchini and eggplant seemed to work decently. No additional fats to upset his stomach, no smell of meat or things with a similar consistence, like mushrooms for example.</p><p>This worked out for a while and I was hopping that Kakashi’s run in with puberty would fill his body out again soon, that this was just a very bad phase at a very bad time.</p><p>And then as I celebrated my fifteenth birthday, Kakashi, still only thirteen at the time was promoted to an Anbu commander, carrying the burden of his own team.</p><p>Not that I knew any other people inhabiting this rank, or much about the tasks a commander had to fulfil, but he still seemed awfully young for so much responsibility. Did the grown-up shinobi under his command even take him seriously?!</p><p>The very next day I stood in the Hokage’s office and begged him for a post in Anbu, but was quickly dismissed. My skillset was not befitting that of an Anbu, even though a lot of fellow shinobi thought of promoting me again. Well, not into the ranks of the black ops apparently…</p><p>I knew Kakashi was working with an Uchiha again. He didn’t tell me his name of course, but his codename was raven and the sharingan was already very strong in him, even though he was the only agent on the team that was the commander’s junior.</p><p>The bag beneath his one visible eye got worse every day. The memories of Obito, invoked by his new Uchiha teammate robbed Kakashi of the rest of his probably already unhealthy sleep schedule.</p><p>He could barely get down the few foods we had deemed safe again, chocking even on ration bars that had always gone down easy if nothing else did.</p><p>I wasn’t happy with him taking these supplementary pills again, but what was I supposed to do?! To put it simple, I was afraid my best friend would starve if he didn’t at least take those things.</p><p>The strains of his malnutrition began to show. He was paler than usual and was always cold to begin with. He was summoning all of his dogs again, to keep warm, huddling close with their furry bodies around him on the couch or in bed.</p><p>I gifted him a blanket and some warm hoodies as winter came that year. They looked way to big on him, but he loved them. Well, my rival didn’t outright say that, but seeing him constantly wrapped in the large green fabric of his favourite pullover, matching my jumpsuit, was proof enough for me.</p><p>His arms and legs were constantly coloured black and blue because he bruised more easily, not to mention the stress fractures that didn’t heal for weeks, but weren’t enough to get him to go to the hospital because in the end they would always heal on their own somehow. Probably the pills as well, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel the pain of them. He was just very good at ignoring it for his missions, wrapping his hands and legs in tight bandages to support himself. </p><p>His blood sugar and hormones were probably real shitty as well. There wasn’t much I could do for the latter other than making dumb jokes, trying to get him happy in any way I knew, even if I made an idiot out of myself.</p><p>I tried to get him to eat bananas in case of his blood sugar, it was the only remotely sweet thing Kakashi did not absolutely despise. I knew it was difficult for him, he always looked disgusted while eating them, but he did, feeding Bull the end piece that he couldn’t get down anymore.</p><p>What was real scary was finding clumps of grey hair littering the apartment, it was just falling out without him even noticing.</p><p>When he was fourteen, after a particularly bad mission he asked me to stay the night. He was visibly afraid. Something Kakashi never was, well accustomed to hiding his emotions since his early childhood.</p><p>The nightmares had to be hell, I was very concerned, so I agreed without hesitation.</p><p>Nevertheless it felt amazing to me. Kakashi was willing to trust me in his sleep, letting me watch over him, make sure nothing bad would happen.</p><p>I sat on the foot of his bed, next to the pile of dogs and blankets to keep him warm like a guardian. He told me it was the first night in weeks he did not wake screaming. He only slept for three hours, but his thanks were still earnest, letting me sleep in his bed the rest of the night.</p><p>It was a new arrangement both of us adapted to without commenting on it. I only slept in my own hole in the wall apartment when Kakashi wasn’t in the village, every night he was home I dutifully spent by his side, trying to get him the nutrition and rest he desperately needed.</p><p>It was also the time where he started to wear his mask less and less when I was around.</p><p>Well, he still mostly wore a simple surgical mask, he just didn’t seem very comfortable without covering his face, but it came off more often, he wasn’t in a hurry anymore to get it back on after tediously eating. Sometimes he pulled it down while cuddling with his pack, to receive some dog kisses probably.</p><p>Sometimes I blushed like an idiot when things like that happened, but it was just so cute and so very trustful of my rival! Of course I wanted to tell him he was handsome, well the first word that always came to my mind was pretty, but that was typically associated with girls, right?</p><p>Not the point though, I was sure he wouldn’t like me commenting, so I simply didn’t, because it would make him feel uncomfortable. That was the last thing I wanted, so I supressed my opinions and questions about his face and the mask.</p><p>That year the war ended and I finally had hope again, that Kakashi would get better, that everything could be better.</p><p>Kakashi’s sensei, Minato was appointed the position of the Yondaime Hokage after his heroic actions in the war. He decided to keep his sole surviving student as part of Anbu because of his remarkable success rate and his good work as a commander, keeping the mortality in his team low.<br/>
But Minato also gave him missions outside of black ops again.</p><p>The blond understood quickly that his young Jonin was not well and that Anbu probably did not help, so he tried to integrate Kakashi better into the Jonin community, assigning him to be part of different teams.</p><p>That was how he befriended Asuma Sarutobi, the last Hokage’s son and his girlfriend Yuhi Kurenai who were actually the same age as I was and the so called Ino-Shika-Cho formation, that included Inoichi Yamanaka. I was a little concerned, because they were definitely years older and had a lot of experience in every aspect of life over us, but Kakashi assured that the young clan heirs were actually pretty nice after you got to know them. And highly intelligent apparently, a trait that the prodigy within my friend always appreciated.</p><p>With the war over that also meant we had a lot more time to ourselves again. There wasn’t a constant need for shinobi to fight anymore, we could take actual brakes again.</p><p>The whole village was in a good mood, businesses were thriving again, what had been lost in the war was slowly getting restored again.</p><p>Minato made a great Hokage, his kindness and intelligence, his patience but fast thinking made up a good leader that everybody had trust in.</p><p>Kakashi celebrated his fifteenth birthday in the Namikaze Uzumaki household. I wasn’t there, it felt like I would intrude, but I knew he was well cared for nevertheless, because in times of peace I finally got the opportunity to meet the infamous redhead Kushina.</p><p>She had a whirlwind personality, probably the only one in the whole village that surpassed even mine in boldness and volume both. But she was also very caring, like me she apparently had the constant desire to be near Kakashi, to cuddle and feed him, because “dear lord, the boy was still so thin and small!!”</p><p>Well, the young Hatake wasn’t exactly small anymore, at least in his uniform he looked every part the warrior he was, but in more civilian clothes he still seemed small because of how ungodly thin he was, the warm fabrics he preferred drowning him.</p><p>Kushina’s pregnancy certainly made her caring attitude stand out more dominantly. Minato’s way of caring for his student was to assign him as his wife’s guard, keeping the pregnant kunoichi company on most days, relieving him of his gruesome Anbu duties for a while.</p><p>He was a little miffed, because what a waste of his talent! But I guess he mostly appreciated it. Spending days with Kushina was like getting a part of our childhood back, that the war had taken.</p><p>She was always fun and smiling brightly, didn’t even mind it if I tagged along with her little bodyguard.</p><p>Our combined effort finally brought some pounds back to his skinny frame, finally getting him the broad shoulder of an adult and an overall healthy look.</p><p>We even ate out sometimes. He still could never finish a full plate, but as we often met friends it was never a problem. Asuma could eat like three people but still look like a model apparently, Ebisu just liked the thrill of sneaking food off someone else’s plate and don’t even get me started on Choza, the Akimichi appetite was something out of a legend.</p><p>And if none of them were present I polished his plate in their stead, after all I was constantly hungry with my intense training and puberty and all that. Well, it was probably my own growth spurt, I had around three major ones in my teens, finally settling around a head taller than my rival.</p><p>He was not amused, let me tell you that, constantly claiming that he had not lost the challenge yet, that he was still growing.<br/>
He wasn’t, that one single growth spurt was all he got, a very sore spot indeed.</p><p>I was amused how well he got along with my own teammates, Genma and Kakashi clicked perfectly with their dark humour and bored behaviour.<br/>
Ebisu and the young Jonin had their own inside jokes in turn, mostly involving something perverted, they were both fans of the long running Icha Icha series, bonding over their books, or jokes revolving around my idiomatically flamboyant personality.</p><p>I knew they weren’t serious, it was fun so sometimes I even egged them on when we went out to drink. Getting to see Kakashi cry for the first time because of how hard he was laughing felt like the biggest reward I could ever receive.</p><p>I knew I was in love with my best friend that very second. There was no long and dramatic revelation, I just knew when I saw him clutching Ebisu’s sleeve in one hand, the other slapping his own thigh like a maniac that I was very much in love with him.</p><p>Naturally I wanted to confess that very second as well, to scream my love for him into the world, but that didn’t feel right.</p><p>He had been through so much, I wanted to do something nice, something he would remember, so not screaming about it while drunk in a bar seemed like the better course of action.</p><p>First we celebrated Kakashi’s sixteenth birthday anyway, all of us together, so that was not an option. My rival was a very private person, whether he returned my feelings or not, he would want to do that in private, and not in front of all the people he knew.</p><p>And then there was Kushina’s pregnancy. He was still guarding her dutifully, even if there was no threat at all and she was due very soon. The birth of little Naruto would be a big event in his and his teacher’s life, I didn’t want to intrude on that event either, so I waited.</p><p>Nobody suspected anything until it was too late.</p><p>All the young shinobi of the village were safely sealed away as the Kyuubi attacked Konoha even if there was nothing more we wanted to do but fight. It was our duty to protect the village! But we weren’t allowed.</p><p>Unable to do anything we cowered behind our invisible walls and watched as homes and lives got destroyed.</p><p>All of us were angry, we fought in a war not even three years ago, much younger than today, and now they wanted to treat us like children! Kakashi was standing by my side, clutching my hand, unable to show his own emotions, the cold mask of an Anbu even without the porcelain adorning his face.</p><p>I wanted to hold him, comfort him, tell him that I loved him and everything would be alright again, but it wasn’t the right time for my own comfort.</p><p>After the fight all was still, the sun peaking from the eastern horizon, colouring the tops of our houses and the forest surrounding the village red like blood.</p><p>Sarutobi was the one to break the seal accompanied by a large group of Anbu. The old man began to explain, his eyes trained directly on Kakashi and his own son directly next to the grey haired Hatake.</p><p>“The Yondaime Hokage died this night, he gave his life to protect our beloved village. Until a suitable successor is found I will continue my service to the village and take on my post again.” Was the first thing he said and my eyes darted to my rival, feeling his grip on my hand falter.</p><p>“Is Kushina dead?” Even his voice was shaking, but his face was flat, empty and only focussing on the lips of the older man in front of us.</p><p>It was probably a thought all of us had when seeing the nine tails. If the seal broke it probably meant that the young Uzumaki was…</p><p>A grim nod was all the answer we got. Kushina-san was dead. This finally roused something in Kakashi, the trained mask falling away, his emptiness filling up with anger and frustration after being unable to help his sensei and his wife when he was needed the most.</p><p>And unlike with the deaths of his teammates this was not because of his mistakes, but because someone else forced him to stay back, he was absolutely furious, shaking my grip off him and striding into the direction of the retired Hokage before us.</p><p>“What were you and your stupid old council members even thinking?! We could have helped, I could have saved them, I would have died for them, and you just made us wait, watch, do absolutely nothing! This is our goddamn job, how could you?!”</p><p>In the beginning of his rant his voice was silent and malicious like I never heard him before, in the end he was practically screaming as loud as his lungs would allow, being held back by three Anbu colleagues, the only thing probably stopping him from tearing into Sarutobi with his bare hands.</p><p>But he was allowing them to hold him back, because there were things more important than his anger. He could have passed them easily I guessed, he was stronger than ever, hard to surpass in a fight.</p><p>“What about Naruto, is he alive?” He asked, still very much furious but more in control, way lower in volume as well.</p><p>“The new Jinchuriki is well, he has already been brought to the orphanage.”<br/>
That left even my dear rival speechless for a while.</p><p>The crowd behind us was muttering, but for all the wrong reasons.</p><p>“You did that to him? You made Naruto the new Jinchuriki? He’s only a baby, and why the orphanage?! Jiraiya is his godfather, right? He should take him, or.. or I can take him!” He sounded desperate, something nobody here had heard before apparently, because the young shinobi gathered around us were shocked, scandalized even.</p><p>Kurenai was in Asuma’s arms, sniffing quietly. The man himself looked like his beloved was the only thing stopping him from attacking his own father. I noticed that Genma and Ebisu were now standing by my side, probably to hold me back should I lose my own temper.<br/>
They knew me well enough to realize I would probably do anything to help Kakashi out.</p><p>“It was necessary, the only option available. It is not your place to question the decisions of your higher ups.” He paused shortly, sending the most intimidating glare he had to offer in the direction of the young people before him, sending most of them back into silence.</p><p>“Jiraya has other important duties, he is not in the village, thus cannot take the child in and both of us know that you are entirely unfit to take care of a child, Hatake. This is none of your concern now, you are dismissed. Go home, await your next mission, that’s it.”</p><p>I had never heard Sarutobi Hiruzen sound so cold, not even in the throngs of war. He just turned his back, the Anbu pushing Kakashi away before going with their leader.</p><p>The grey haired Jonin just stood there unmoving while the other ninja left, going home to see if they even still had a place to sleep, relatives to find after the gruesome attack on the village.</p><p>The only people left was our small group of friends and one Anbu, his eyes glowing red behind the mask of a raven. All of us watched the Uchiha boy approach and kneel before his superior respectfully.</p><p>“I am very sorry for your loss Kakashi-san. I am sure you would give great care to young Naruto.” Was all he said before disappearing into thin air.</p><p>As soon as he was gone Kakashi sunk to his knees, the analogy of a puppet with its strings cut the only thing crossing my mind next to a deep sinking feeling of concern.</p><p>I hurried to his side, crouching before him, touching his hands carefully. He flinched violently, staring into the rising sun while the rest of our friends gathered around him slowly, as if they were approaching a wounded animal.</p><p>Asuma put one of his large hand in his hair, pat his head like Kakashi was a child to be comforted. “I will leave the village tomorrow. I can’t live in a place my own father runs like this, I just can’t. You are welcome to join me if you’d like.” The large man offered, lighting a cigarette to calm his own aggressions.</p><p>Meanwhile Kurenai was more affectionate, falling to her knees next to her friend and hugging him. “I’m so sorry.” Was all she was able to say between soft sobs.</p><p>Genma was holding onto the hand that wasn’t already held by my own, Ebisu muttering about the idiotic old man that was now once again Hokage.</p><p>“No, he’s right, you know?” Kakashi said after that, still not meeting anyone’s eye, but calm, at least superficially. I didn’t know of he was angry on the inside or sad or if he bypassed emotion for emptiness once again, but I definitely knew that he wasn’t alright.</p><p>The death of his mentor, of his charge and the fate of their child hit him like a sledgehammer to the face.</p><p>“I don’t have a very good track record of protecting things. Family’s not in my nature. I’m good at being a shinobi, at being Anbu, a faceless tool for our village to use, but not much else. Naruto will probably be better off without me.” He said, softly shaking all of us off again, stoking Kurenai’s back a few times before getting back up.</p><p>“And a tool isn’t exactly of use when not by his handlers. Thank you for your offer Asuma, but there would be no point for me to leave the village behind. It’s where I belong.”<br/>
I guess the statement was supposed to cheer us up, but it did the opposite to us, sending thorns of worry through us.</p><p>“You should go now, check on your home’s and families. It was a long night.” He gave one of his one eyed smiles, a very fake one at that, waved and turned to leave. I knew they all wanted to call him back, to be there for him, but I shook my head before giving them my own trademark nice guy smile.</p><p>After that I waved as well, getting up and hurrying to catch up with my rival. He let me, moving through the battle marked streets silently to his apartment. We were lucky, it was still standing just fine even after some buildings surrounding it had taken significant damage.</p><p>“Don’t you want to go home?” He asked me while opening his door and I gave a bright smile in return. “I am home.” I said and Kakashi made a soft sound. Exhausted and shaky, but also kind of happy if you asked me.</p><p>“Aren’t we a little too old to be sleeping in the same bed now?”<br/>
“You don’t like it anymore?” I countered, raising my thick eyebrows a little.</p><p>He snorted, closing the door behind us again. “It’s the only way I sleep at all.”<br/>
“Why do you worry then? We’re not too old for comfort, you never are, but we should get in fact a bigger bed. It’s getting a little squashed with two grown men and eight cuddly dogs in it.” I offered with a smile and watched him pull down his mask.</p><p>At first he nodded, giving his own little smile, until his thin lips began to tremble and actual, real tears ran down his cheeks. Not just from the red eye, but from his own deep grey one as well.</p><p>“Kakashi?” I asked, concern in my voice and gripping his trembling hands again.</p><p>“I failed. There was absolutely nothing I could do, only watch and wait. It’s like dad all-over again.” The young man before me whispered, staring at the dark hardwood floor at our feet like it was the Kyuubi himself, ready to swallow him hole.</p><p>“Oh no Kakashi, you didn’t fail, not at all! This wasn’t your fault, not now, not back then. We can… We can go and watch over Naruto in the orphanage, we can play and train and tell him all about his parents!” I tried my best to sound positive while I was stricken with grief after hearing these things out of my love’s mouth. After seeing him openly cry for the first time.</p><p>“No. He’s right. I’m Anbu. I’m Hatake. I’m a tool and a murderer, a child is not something that should come near me. I don’t know what Kushina and Minato were even thinking.” He muttered angrily, biting his bottom lip, shaking his head vehemently.</p><p>I sighed deeply and carefully laid a hand on his cheek, wiping tears and getting his one good eye to meet mine.</p><p>“Okay. If that’s what you want that’s okay, you don’t have to meet Naruto, ever, but I don’t think you’re right. You are so much more than these things, you are a wonderful person beneath them, funny and kind. The kid would love you if he’s anything like his parents, but you get to decide if you meet him, nobody else.” I said softly, waiting for his reaction.</p><p>He only nodded, without words, probably not quite believing the good things I said about him. He shakily wiped the rest of the tears away, grabbing my hand again and leading me to bed where we slept the day away, our bodies letting the shocking events of the night sink in.</p><p>I knew exactly how I felt about my rival, about my best friend, but it would still take some time for the right moment to confess my love. First and foremost, I was his only support, a lover was not what Kakashi needed right now, so I waited patiently for the day to come.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. ROOT</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>ROOT and it's evildoing bring a little sunshine called Tenzo into the lives of our protagonists, but also some dark revelations (Part 1, had to break this in half somewhere)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first few weeks after the funeral for our fourth lord Hokage Sarutobi actually cut Kakashi some slack.</p><p>He only gave him small missions he could work on alone around the village, sometimes assigning him on guard duty with us even though it wasn’t technically work for a Jonin.</p><p>That was good, so I could have an eye on him. He was genuinely forgetting to eat again. He wasn’t unwilling to, I was very glad about that, but he didn’t feel hungry once more, only eating if I set a plate down in front of him.</p><p>His way of grieving was going on long walks through the village and sitting in the graveyard for hours on end, bringing all of his dead loved one’s offerings to their liking.</p><p>He summoned his dogs while sitting by Sakumo’s weathered headstone, pet them lovingly while talking to his father in a low voice, let them run and play as his father loved dogs just as much as his son did now.</p><p>At his father’s grave he felt free to talk, because it was segregated from the other headstones, nobody would hear him, as nobody else ever visited the shunned man.</p><p>The tradition for Obito’s war memorial was something we came up with together. The boy’s favourite food had been ramen as Minato often took his team out to eat some. The orphaned Uchiha loved these gatherings, so Kakashi and I visited with take-out containers in hand and ate.</p><p>Kakashi always left half of his own portion for Obito and not just because he was unable to finish it, but to symbolise his will to share with his deceased friend.</p><p>Rin’s headstone was the hardest for him. Her death was burned into his memory, he still felt guilty so he wanted to bring her something whenever he found the time to come here.</p><p>But after a run in with her family he was scared to go alone. The Nohara family blamed him, gave him the same deadly looks he was already accustomed to in connection to his own father.</p><p>I always went with him after that, to watch out for any other people. We always left before someone could come close again. Mostly he brought her flowers, always colourful and happy, like her personality had been, sometimes dango, because they had been her favourite food.</p><p>He didn’t know what to bring Minato or Kushina, opting to silently sit before the stones for hours, offering them his time instead of something physical. As if he was unable to face them with gifts after abandoning their child.</p><p>The young Hatake never outright spoke of Naruto, acting as if he did not even know of his existence, but I knew he thought of the small boy frequently, taking detours closer to the orphanage then necessary, donating money and reverently watching children play or staring at toys.</p><p>I wanted to encourage him to meet the blonde child, but I felt unable to. It was too much like forcing him after previously stating that it was his decision and nobody else’s, so I swallowed my thoughts down and watched out for symptoms of him getting worse again.</p><p>Outwardly there were none.</p><p>Kakashi was back on active duty in no time, only assigned Anbu missions once again under the lead of the third.</p><p>He acted like he didn’t care, but he didn’t meet friends as often anymore, claiming he was just too busy for things like that at the moment.<br/>Especially after Asuma left the village he was unwilling to meet the others again.</p><p>Luckily, they were very understanding, neither disappointed or angry, but concerned.</p><p>I tried to dissuade their fears, because Kakashi was actually doing rather… well?</p><p>Yes, he slept only around four hours a day and forgot to eat on his own, but he was still functioning, cleaning and washing and eating if I reminded him, doing missions without major injuries or breakdowns, visiting the memorials dutifully and training with me.</p><p>He looked fine, scarily so if I was honest to myself.</p><p>It’s not like I wanted him to break down again, the past times his health had plummeted along with his mental state in an alarming rate, but it just seemed weird, out of context for him to act so well adjusted after losing another friend, more like his adopted family actually…</p><p>With my eighteenth birthday I was promoted to Jonin myself after enough fellow shinohi had spoken their opinion on my abilities to the council.</p><p>It was a great honour I accepted with gratitude and a big celebration.</p><p>All my friends came, my teammates, our former classmates and mentors, Inoichi, Shikaku and Choza as well. Hell, even Asuma visited even though he was now working in the capital city to protect the feudal lord of fire country himself.</p><p>And of course, Kakashi was there, drinking, eating and laughing.</p><p>Maybe I was wrong, I thought to myself. Maybe Kakashi really is fine and I was just overbearing with my worries about him. I should finally confess.</p><p>I would do it tomorrow. I would cook a nice breakfast for him, get some flowers and expensive sake, find a nice place in the woods where we could watch the stars or something equally cheesy and romantic and then I would finally be able to confess my love for him.</p><p>The happy feelings and the alcohol in my body let me sleep like a rock at the bottom of the ocean, peaceful and ‘til late afternoon came around, the heat waking me up.</p><p>Fuck, make it dinner and not breakfast, but who cares?!</p><p>I got up hastily, showering and getting dressed to go searching for my beloved.<br/>I couldn’t find him anywhere, fear was once again plaguing my mind.</p><p>I knew he was not on a mission today, he was not in his apartment, not in mine either, not on any of the training grounds or the forest and neither was he at the memorials, although there were fresh offerings that were probably those of my friend.</p><p>I finally caught sight of him by nightfall. He was sitting on a small concrete platform that was reaching into the river flowing along one border of Konoha in his Anbu uniform, his hair giving him away even from afar.</p><p>Next to him sat a smaller figure, clad in the same uniform, the only difference being the mask depicting a cat and long brown hair rustling in the breeze.</p><p>Unconsciously I felt like I was not supposed to find them here, but they definitely weren’t on a mission if the relaxed sitting, half lying positions of them were anything to go by. But why the uniforms if this was a personal meeting?</p><p>I swallowed thickly as my nose caught on to the significant whiff of blood in the air, my eyes finding dark stains on both of their armour after adjusting to the darkness for a while.</p><p>“Hound?” I called out before stepping closer to them, giving them the chance to disappear if they wished to do so, but the taller form, adorned with spiky hair and the mask of a dog face turned its head in my direction, waving me over lazily.</p><p>I sat down by his unoccupied side, the side of his good eye I realized, his Anbu colleague instinctively covering his blind spot for him.</p><p>Kakashi took off his mask languidly, all his movements looked lethargic and his face was tired.</p><p>“Cat, this is Maito Gai, he lives with me. Well it’s my apartment, but I guess it’s the other way around, he’s the one watching out for me most of the time.” He explained as if it was something he had already told a thousand times when he had actually never openly spoken about our living situation before.</p><p>The other Anbu nodded wordlessly. I wasn’t sure if it was a girl or a boy, the statue was small, probably a child at least four years younger than us, without a face or a voice the hair wasn’t a very good indicator in terms of sex.</p><p>Not that it was very important but this was a person Kakashi cared about, so I naturally wanted to know more about them.</p><p>For a while nothing happened, then the other Anbu took off his mask as well, revealing a young man with large dark eyes.</p><p>“Hello Gai-san, it is nice to meet you.” He said, his voice cracking a little, one of the many pleasures of puberty but other than that very respectful and calm, a small bow with his head following before he turned in Kakashi’s direction again.</p><p>I could guess he was uncertain about his actions, seeking confirmation from his commander, friend?? What even was their relationship?</p><p>But it was not my place to ask, Anbu were all very secretive, if they wanted me to know they would tell me, if not I was probably better off not knowing certain things.</p><p>“This is Tenzo. He’s new in my team and due to circumstances I cannot explain further for now he will stay with us for a while.”</p><p>I nodded dumbly, feeling lost and without words. Never had I heard about something like this before, of Anbu living together, revealing their faces to others so openly. Tenzo really had to have some unusual circumstances surrounding his appearance in my life.</p><p>For now, I simply had to accept this strange boy’s presence, leading him to our apartment and getting him comfortable on our couch for the night. My confession had to be delayed once more, but I understood.</p><p>There had to be a bigger picture behind this boy or he wouldn’t be here right now. If Kakashi invited him into his home he had to trust him and he was probably in need of protection as well if my friend’s sudden vigilance was anything to go by as soon as we stepped into the bedroom and closed the door behind us.</p><p>Tenzo did not question us sleeping in the same room at all, simply accepting some spare clothes and his place in our living room.</p><p>Kakashi disappeared in the bathroom for a while, washing the blood off and getting changed before flopping into the bed face down, groaning softly.<br/>“I haven’t slept in days.” He muttered and I answered with a chuckle from my spot next to him.</p><p>“I haven’t even noticed, but yeah, you look tired, you should sleep.” I agreed even though that meant there would be no explanations for now. Rest was more important if a threat was still in the air, not to mention the health of my friend.</p><p>My love just nodded, not even summoning his dogs because he was too exhausted, for once falling asleep within minutes instead of hours. I stared at the roof during the night, my hearing sharp and trained on the living room, but there was no sound of Tenzo or an attack of any kind.</p><p>At the break of dawn the Anbu left again, leaving me behind, anxiety clawing at my stomach.<br/>I really hoped they weren’t in too much trouble so I spent the day waiting for news. Maybe I would get a full explanation this time around.</p><p>I wasn’t expecting it though, so I was very surprised when they came back with a scroll. A contract that clearly stated I was not allowed to retell anything of the things I would hear about Kinoe or an organisation called ROOT.</p><p>I didn’t know either of these things but it was clear that it was the explanation I had been hoping for concerning Tenzo and Kakashi, so I signed it with blood as was standard for binding contracts like this.</p><p>As soon as I was done the thing disappeared with a soft poof and the Anbu stripped their masks. Kakashi summoned his dogs, piling into bed with us like usual, motioning for Tenzo to join us.</p><p>The younger was obviously reluctant, but finally moved to the very edge of the bed, Bisuke claiming his lap as his seat. The Anbu was a little awkward before carefully copying the motions of our hands, petting the small brown dog.</p><p>It looked rather sad, like this was the first animal the young shinobi ever got to pet, but I quickly diverted my attention back to the grey haired Hatake next to me.</p><p>“After Minato’s death I was approached by a man named Shimura Danzo. He is a council member and in charge of a small fraction of elite Anbu shinobi named ROOT. He recruited me into his rows with promises of revenge for my sensei and his wife. I agreed without hesitation.<br/>What I did not know at that time was that his revenge would take the form of a coup against Sandaime-sama.”</p><p>It was how he chose to begin his explanation, trying to look relaxed. Pakkun definitely knew he wasn’t because Kakashi was gently holding and kneading the small pug’s paws. Tenzo tensed even more after ROOT was mentioned, I swallowed and nodded for him to continue.</p><p>“The organisation is very strict but also effective. You are not allowed to talk about ROOT, the members have to wear a seal like I do. Because I already have one it didn’t work on me but nobody noticed the overlap or we probably wouldn’t be here right now.” He continued, a small smile forming beneath his mask.</p><p>I knew he was thinking something along the lines of “at least it was good for something after all” but that wasn’t the most concerning fact about his wording though.</p><p>We wouldn’t be here now probably meant or we would be dead and that was deeply worrying, but actually kind of anticipated when talking about secret extremists and a coup that big…</p><p>“Kinoe was part of said group. He is a biologically enhanced human being, the only survivor of experiments on sixty children to infuse them with the DNA of Hashirama-sama himself. He is the only living being capable of using the legendary wood release in effect of these experiments and chose his new name for himself after I met him and freed him from ROOT.<br/>Again, meet Tenzo.”</p><p>I understood him perfectly well, Kakashi was speaking in a soft tone, but his articulation was fine even with the mask.<br/>That didn’t make things easier to believe though.</p><p>Meanwhile Tenzo had curled himself into a ball around Bisuke, the dog was liking his face in comfort. He was ashamed, although I did not fully understand why.</p><p>“Danzo had both of us as part of the assassination squad sent out after Sarutobi-sama, but I told the Hokage of the plans and we turned on the rest of the squad, stopping them yesterday. We’ll have to wait it out if they make a second attempt or even switch their focus on Tenzo here.<br/>As he’s staying with us for that time, I got clearance from the Hokage to tell you.”</p><p>Again, I nodded dumbly before deeply bowing my head to both of them.</p><p>“Thank you for your trust. It is nice to formally meet you again Tenzo-kun.” I said after a while and the younger boy gave a shy bow in turn.</p><p>Well at least this explained the blood from yesterday.<br/>Kakashi probably slipped away from my party at some point, honestly, I was too drunk to remember when, and went directly to the Hokage building to intercept the assassination squad together with Tenzo.</p><p>They kept it under wraps nicely, probably in favour of both parties. ROOT was a very secretive organisation, even within the already black operational room of the Anbu in general.<br/>And the Hokage wanted to keep the picture of peace upright, keeping hush about this coup so the villagers would stay calm.</p><p>The whole story surrounding the young shinobi sitting on our bed now would probably take a while to fully grasp. I knew next to nothing about medical jutsu of any kind so it was very hard to imagine experiments based on the cells of a long dead man and children.</p><p>But Kakashi also said Tenzo could actually use the wood style, so I believed him, eager to maybe see it for myself as soon as things blew over again.</p><p>For the time being I also understood my role. I could under no circumstances speak of this, the best course of action was to act as if nothing had changed at all.<br/>Nobody could know Tenzo was here, so I acted as if it was still just Kakashi and I living in the small apartment.</p><p>Both of us went on our normal mission pensum, Cat sometimes accompanying Hound and team Ro he was now officially part of, other times staying home so no pattern could be found in his activity.</p><p>I did the shopping and the cooking, Kakashi taking over cleaning and washing as usual.</p><p>It wasn’t part of our “mission” but I liked to think hiding and protecting Tenzo was more than a mission, closer to friendship, even though the awkward teen obviously had no idea how the concept of friendship even worked. And neither I nor Kakashi were great at explaining it, so we just tried to show him instead.</p><p>We showed the boy around our chores as well, introducing him to a more normal lifestyle opposed to the paramilitary way he grew up in.<br/>Cleaning was something he was already accustomed to, although he was a little perfectionist in regard. It came from cleaning his own weapons for years he explained.</p><p>Washing though was completely new to him, something ROOT had always taken care of for the members, so Kakashi bought him some actual clothes for once, not just uniforms and taught him.</p><p>Shopping was out of the question, way to public for our secret roommate, but cooking Tenzo tried out eagerly. He was used to standard bland meals so he enjoyed experimenting with ingredients and spices.</p><p>One day he asked me why his senpai didn’t cook more often, because he knew he could and I had to very carefully explain that Kakashi didn’t like food very much.</p><p>It was not a concept Tenzo seemed to understand. After growing up with exactly enough food to stay fit, right in calories, but boring in taste, a means to survival. He loved food that had actual taste. Learning about cooking was fun for him, but eating it was even better.</p><p>I got why he didn’t understand my rival’s reluctance towards food, but it was a sensitive topic. I told him not to question it, to just accept it and don’t talk about it in front of him, it would be very insensitive of him.</p><p>He didn’t fully understand, he was accustomed to harsh words and bold orders but agreed nonetheless to leave the topic alone.</p><p>Tenzo was also slowly getting accustomed to Kakashi’s pack of ninken.<br/>It wasn’t an exaggeration to say the dogs loved Tenzo, Shiba and Urushi took to loudly barking at him in greeting before getting lost in their play again, Bisuke loudly demanding to be picked up while Guruko opted to jump around him instead.</p><p>Bull loved his pets, although the younger shinobi was always a little afraid to touch the giant beast of a dog, but quickly learned that he was actually the one in the bunch with the softest temper, rolling onto his back like he was still a puppy.</p><p>Akino and Pakkun sniggered whenever our brunette roommate was besieged by their pack, keeping to themselves as the grown-ups, or as they preferred, Alphas in their little group.</p><p>Uhei was the only dog that was shy around him, but he was shy around everyone, always staying strictly by Kakashi’s side. He was a tall dog, but secretly a big baby that loved to be picked up by him and getting coddled, licking his face affectionately whenever he got the chance without the mask.</p><p>But Tenzo wasn’t just Anbu Cat, he also seemed to act like a cat around the dogs at first. Very shy, afraid they would hurt him or the other way around. It only confirmed my suspicions that he didn’t have any experience with animals, or at the very least friendly animals.</p><p>That changed slowly though, just like the rest of his closed off personality opened up little by little. As he began to smile when the dogs greeted him, he also relaxed more around us. He was probably sleeping more as well, the bags beneath his eyes slowly receding.</p><p>I quickly learned why Kakashi and Tenzo got along so well, even though they technically only knew each other for a little over a year now, as that was the timeframe the last Hatake had spent in ROOT.</p><p>They were both prodigies for one. Incredibly intelligent and talented. They discussed jutsus and chakra theories and battle strategies on a level I could barely grasp sometimes.<br/>Both of them grew up fighting and without a family, that was probably why they shared a special brand of morbid humour, not to mention sarcasm and snark. It was practically the only way they were communicating when they weren’t wearing their professional masks.</p><p>I was absolutely convinced that Tenzo would get along with Genma just as well, but it was still way too soon to think about introducing him to our more “normal” friends.</p><p>For now we had a routine going that would keep us under the radar as best as possible, meaning I still got out with my friends as usual, Kakashi joining from time to time, but most often staying home with his new charge.</p><p>Having someone who was younger than us, I learned that Tenzo was currently thirteen years of age, making him five years my junior, made me think of Naruto again. He would be celebrating his second birthday soon. Kakashi still hadn’t gone to see him and wasn’t willing to talk about the child in any way.</p><p>I felt sorry for the both of them, especially after seeing my rival interact with Tenzo. He made a good senpai for the brown-haired boy, teaching him things useful for work, but also the more mundane tasks in everyday life he had skipped out on until now.</p><p>But he was more than a friend to the wayward Anbu as well, joking around with him, theorising about stuff, teasing him a little here and there.<br/>But he also helped the younger teen with brushing his hair, even braiding it for him, giving advice on clothing choices and buying him gifts just because he could afford it with their mission records.</p><p>One time I came home to Tenzo’s head buried in Kakashi’s stomach after falling asleep in his lap with the dogs piled around them. I didn’t comment on the fact that Kakashi was petting brown hair, not fur because he wouldn’t appreciate being called cute. <br/>Although he secretly used the word to describe Tenzo often.</p><p>What I was trying to say was that I felt like Kakashi had a very protective older brother kind of personality hidden away that came out very nicely while around Tenzo.</p><p>And if there was one person that even remotely filled the bill of relative for Kakashi it was Naruto, who was living alone in an orphanage.</p><p>At the moment he was probably still to small to understand much around him, but he would definitely feel lonely as he gets older.</p><p>People in the village hated to Kyuubi, he had killed a lot of people and destroyed even more lives in the destruction his attack had caused. They didn’t take it kindly that the beast still lived in Konoha in the form of his Jinchuriki.</p><p>Naruto wouldn’t have many friends growing up, I was sure about that and Kakashi and I personally knew how much it hurt to be cast out by society.<br/>He could really need a friend.</p><p>But I also understood my friend’s point of view.<br/>Even now his self-esteem outside of battle was low. He knew he was a great shinobi, confident in his skill to fight whatever he was up against.</p><p>But he also saw himself as a blunt object to be used, a murder to say it in his own terms. After losing so many people he loved and swore to protect in the past he felt like he wasn’t a very good influence on a small child.</p><p>He felt like it was best to stay away, even though it clearly hurt him and later I was sure, would hurt young Naruto as well.</p><p>Every time I tried to breach the topic, he got defensive, blocking me out again, ignoring me like at the very beginning of our companionship, so I let him be, not willing to put strain on him.</p><p>Because outwardly Kakashi was still doing very well, he was eating and training, going out with his friends laughing and keeping up with his chores dutifully.</p><p>But he was looking sick again.</p><p>He was wearing the thick sweaters again, even though it was only September. He had visibly lost weight, his fingers appearing spindly and his collarbones sticking out sharply from his smooth muscles.</p><p>But it wasn’t too bad, right? It was probably just his intense training with Tenzo. I had to stay calm about this, my worry was no reason to pester Kakashi about that as well… So I pushed the fear back down again, focusing on nicer things.</p><p>After a year of Tenzo staying with us we started discussing new options for him. The idea that got approved by the Hokage was that he would be using my apartment instead, because god knew I wasn’t using it, but my name was still the one signed on the contract.</p><p>Nobody would be looking for the young Anbu in my boring little neighbourhood.</p><p>There had been no second attempt from ROOT, neither had they tried to attack Tenzo or Kakashi. We deemed it safe enough to give the growing boy a little more privacy, but before he would move to his new home, we celebrated my rival’s birthday.</p><p>It was just the three of us, at the same time seeing Tenzo of, celebrating his move and eighteen years of Kakashi Hatake’s life.</p><p>We went to a nice restaurant, opting to eat out and introduce our kohai to alcohol, like the responsible adults both of us were now!</p><p>I had great green curry with beef, Tenzo opted for grilled fish and Kakashi practically finished his bowl of vegetable rice before excusing himself to the bathroom.<br/>I was feeling nice and warm, only half due to the sake, the other half was my sadly still unconfessed love for Kakashi.</p><p>That was until Tenzo suddenly tilted his head to the side a little, reminding me of a curious dog and opened his mouth accompanied by a worried stare.</p><p>“Gai-san, why isn’t Kakashi-senpai taking supplements? I don’t think he is getting enough calories anymore, with all the throwing up. Is this because of his dislike for food or an illness his team should know about?”</p><p>It was such a weird statement / question that I chocked a little, coughing and sputtering while my thoughts and hidden fears began to click again.</p><p>“I didn’t know he was throwing up again, he never said anything to me!” I whispered agitated, gripping Tenzo’s arm closer to me to make sure he was serious about this.</p><p>“Well, he didn’t exactly tell, I just thought it was very obvious. He always goes to the restroom after eating, shower and all.” He answered, the younger’s voice a little wobbly and confused.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I asked, having to reign my voice in to not make a scene.</p><p>“You said not to talk about sensitive subjects like that.” He answered and I had to gulp a deep breath because I was scaring the boy. Not that it showed on his face, but he was tense, after a year of living together I finally knew how to read the Anbu’s body language.</p><p>“Yes, but...” Ahh this was going to be so difficult to explain, so I just shook my head and sighed before letting go of the brunette, making myself look less threatening.</p><p>“I know, but this is very serious. I don’t think this is an illness of the body, but of the mind. Kakashi has been struggling with food for a long time. I thought he was stable at the moment, but apparently he’s not. He’s getting unhealthy again. Do you know how long he’s been doing that?”</p><p>I spoke softly so nobody else would overhear, Tenzo copying instantly.</p><p>“Since I moved in, I think, but it’s more frequent now. Every meal probably.” He answered, looking ashamed for making a grave mistake that made me loose my temper that much.</p><p>The boy knew me as a sunny and fun person, always patient and although not exactly calm, not prone to aggression at all. My behaviour made it clear to the sensitive teen that this was very serious indeed.</p><p>I nodded, unsure what to think or say, swallowing dry and distracting myself with paying the bill.<br/>“Okay, that’s okay, not your fault Tenzo, just a little misunderstanding. I’m going to talk to him about it but I think it’s better if we get you settled in your new apartment first. He’ll probably get real angry and will need some space.” I explained softly and he agreed without meeting my eyes again, still feeling guilty then.</p><p>Shortly after Kakashi returned, none the wiser about our serious conservation just seconds ago. He finished his drink, thanked me for paying the bill and respectfully bowing to the waiter on our way out.</p><p>He was relaxed on the walk home. If Tenzo wouldn’t have told me I would still be in the dark about what was actually going on, I wouldn’t have even suspected something was wrong, because he seemed to be in such a good mood.</p><p>I remembered the old clan house resentfully, the clean and orderly front Kakashi had put up over a decade ago. Was this the same? Was Kakashi just playing his happy part?</p><p>The thought hurt, but I had to swallow my concern for now, lying in bed silently and unable to sleep next to the rapidly deteriorating body of my dear friend.</p><p>On the next day we helped Tenzo move. Not that there was much to move in the first place it was probably more an emotional than physical support thing.</p><p>He only had a large duffle bag of clothes and few personal belongings he carried himself, a cardboard box containing uniforms, armour and weapons that Kakashi carried for him and I brought along some groceries and other household related utensils for him to use.</p><p>The walk wasn’t long and there weren’t many words of farewell needed, because Tenzo already knew our doors were always open to him. The fourteen-year-old was very capable, he could handle himself perfectly well now and it wasn’t like we wouldn’t still see him every other day.</p><p>Especially Kakashi because he was also still his commander.</p><p>I just showed him around the small rooms and we waved back at him as we were leaving.</p><p>The mood was still good, Kakashi was smiling and joking around.</p><p>I felt horrible because I would be the one to destroy that, but it had to be done, so I closed the door behind us and told my fellow Jonin that we had something important to talk about.</p><p>He looked confused, for once not the one with the bigger picture between the both of us. I gestured for him to sit down on the couch, joining him with glasses of water, because this would either take only a few seconds and explode right in my face, or the whole afternoon and would probably still explode in my face.</p><p>It had to be done nonetheless, so I faced my rival and confronted him with the things I had learned yesterday.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Sickness of mind and body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kakashi and Gai have a talk that quickly escalates into a fight. Things only get worse from there.</p><p>This chapter is pretty painful for everyone honestly. There's probably a ton of medical inaccuracies but the internet is only of so much help when it comes to eating disorders or other psychological issues.</p><p>I also changed the fact that Tsunade probably left right after the war. She will leave shortly after Orochimaru leaves instead because fuck canon sometimes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Opening up a talk like this was always difficult. Even after years and years of dealing with Kakashi’s bad health in the regard of food and eating, this very talk was still one of the most difficult things ever and practically burned into my memory.</p><p>It was helpful in some regard. Every talk like that was much easier after the first one, after a reference was made and there were many, I guarantee you that, but it was also hurtful for both of us.</p><p>I sat my grey-haired roommate down on our couch, handing him a glass of water.</p><p>He looked a little queasy already, confused but full of dreadful anticipation at the same time, nipping at the water while I sat myself down next to him, turning my body so I faced the other young man with a calm look as best as I could muster while feeling unsure about this myself.</p><p>“You look very unwell again. I didn’t want to bring it up with Tenzo still here, but now I feel like you’re hiding something from me.” I said, still willing to give him a chance to come clean about his unhealthy new habit on his own.</p><p>He just shrugged at first, fiddling with the glass for a while. Kakashi and fidgeting usually meant bad news. He was trained on not showing emotional turmoil, fidgeting as a sign of nervousness was not allowed. It only happened if he lost focus on reality, getting lost in thought.</p><p>I was generally the only person he trusted enough to let me witness such out of control actions.</p><p>“Nah, I’m just a little cold. It’s probably just a bad weather year or something.” He tried to dismiss my worries, setting the glass down on the small wooden table placed in front of our couch, effectively ending the movement of his fingers, putting his unease on display.</p><p>He probably hoped the calm façade he put up around the topic would make me believe his lies, but both of us knew his endeavours were designed to fail in this case. We knew each other’s tells like the back of our own hands in cases like this.</p><p>I couldn’t hold a sigh back, shaking my head softly. “You and I both know you’re lying Kakashi. You’ve been throwing up again, right?” I asked instead, watching his already fair complexion get even paler with the statement.</p><p>“A little, but it’s not bad. I didn’t want you worrying, you should be celebrating and happy about your promotion and…” He didn’t even end his claim, realising how unrealistic and desperate he sounded while saying his own words.</p><p>He let an uneasy calm wash over the room, hiding his already masked face further in his hands, letting his head hang in defeat.</p><p>“I appreciate your concern, but that’s not true either my dear rival.” I answered softly without any accusation or disappointment in my voice to put unnecessary pressure on him. With enough care to not startle my rigid friend I laid my hand on his neck, easily spanning the whole length of it.</p><p>His spine was sticking out more than usual, he was colder as well but his hair at the nape of his neck was as soft as always, despite the wild look it always had.</p><p>The other nodded a little beneath my hand and I let him have the time he needed to explain how he felt. It was always something he was bad at, his prodigy brain lacking words for once.</p><p>“I’m… I..” He stammered after a while, still no sentence at the ready to explain himself, but at least his face lifted itself out of his hands again, a single deep grey eye meeting both of my own brown iris.</p><p>“I was doing so good after the war ended. I was happy, you were happy, we had fun and friends. I felt like I was normal for once. It was nice.” Was the first real thing he could say, pulling his facemask down on his own accord, his beautiful face full of emotion.</p><p>He could control his facial expression in the most dire situations. He was letting me see how he felt and I in turn felt honoured and touched. At any other time, I would probably cry about a manly gesture like that, but this was way to serious and all about Kakashi. I just let him talk for as long as he felt like talking.</p><p>“After sensei and Kushina-san died I didn’t want to get bad again. I honestly didn’t want to worry you, I swear Gai, I just didn’t want to ruin things again. I wanted to be happy for all of you, I know it’s what you want, what they would have wanted, but.. I was so angry and lost. ROOT was bad. They do the things even a normal Anbu agent would be unable to do. Danzo fed right into my anger with his missions. For a while I guess I would have been able to kill Sarutobi for him. But he’s not a bad man, he’s just doing his job. Tenzo helped a lot, but food just got real difficult again, you know?”</p><p>It was obviously a very painful explanation for him. He never talked about Anbu, not to mention ROOT and not just because he was forbidden from talking about missions but also because of the horrible things it did to his psych to think about the things he did in the name of Konoha.</p><p>“I understand.” I assured him, letting a smile paint my face to make it clear I wasn’t lying or god forbid, disgusted by the things he felt, like Kakashi himself was apparently.</p><p>“Honestly, I was worried for a while because of how good you were doing. Minato was your sensei for a long time and Kushina is just… She is special and was dear to all the people that knew her. They cared for you like family, their loss was horrible for all of us but had to be a tragedy for you. You acting all normal after that didn’t feel right. I should have said something sooner.”</p><p>And it was so true, I felt like something was wrong for months now, maybe I could have helped if I just said something. Maybe Kakashi wouldn’t be this bad again if I just would have realised it was all an illusion for my sake.</p><p>It was in Kakashi’s nature to suffer in silence and for the sake of others, it was my job to care for him nonetheless… My friend probably felt the guilt rolling off me in waves, putting a comforting hand on my thigh.</p><p>“This is not your fault Gai. I chose to hide it and you know I’m damn good at hiding if I want to.” He said, swallowing hard before continuing.</p><p>“I could barely hold meals down again, so I started throwing up on my own. If I do it deliberately, I can eat more normal, keep it down for a while even. It’s like my body finally found a natural rhythm around food.” The young man was trying to explain, but I already had a bad feeling.</p><p>He sounded way to positive about throwing all his meals up, like it was a real solution to his sensitive stomach. It was true, he was eating bigger portions and more regularly in that year since trying this out, but it was also much worse for his health. He was probably barely getting enough calories to get by at this point.</p><p>“It’s a rhythm, yeah, but a bad one. You’re putting up a front for others, but your body is clearly suffering from it Kakashi. You realise this is bad for you, right? Throwing up is not a solution.” I tried to explain my thoughts without sounding like a prejudiced prick towards my vulnerable friend.</p><p>I could see how the grey-haired shinobi’s defences went up right away. His face fell a little, the motions minimal because he went back to hiding mode immediately, but I could interpret the cold lines on his face nonetheless.</p><p>His hand left my thigh, went up to his face instead, contemplating pulling his mask up again, put halting at the last second. At least his trust in me was not completely shattered by my opinion on his hard work on his diet over the last years. But still, he went out of reach, my hand falling off of his neck, hanging in the air a few seconds before I pulled it back to my side with resignation.</p><p>It wasn’t like I hadn’t known something like this would most likely happen. It still hurt though.</p><p>“Kakashi?” I asked him tentatively, trying to prompt him to give some kind of answer.</p><p>“That’s not true. I felt better about it than most of my early life. You know how miserable I was for a while, I couldn’t eat anything, just putting food in my mouth made me throw up. Now I can practically eat a whole plate, just like you. That can’t be bad!” He protested in a voice that desperately tried to sound neutral and mature, but I could hear the slight tremble and the hurt hidden beneath quite clearly.</p><p>And I could actually understand just fine why he was hurt about this. Throwing up could be pretty painful after a while, it was inconvenient and Kakashi hated the smell. He was a clean person, stains like that in his bathroom or on his clothes could infuriate him pretty quickly.</p><p>It was chore for him, to imagine him doing it regularly and on purpose, that was hard work. In my rival’s mind it was for a good cause though, he really thought this could be the solution to his yearlong problem.</p><p>I could feel a crease form between my eyebrows, thinking hard and worrying did that to my face sometimes. Hopefully my youthfulness was stronger than my wrinkles. I rubbed over it a few times before catching the single stormy grey eye across from me again.</p><p>“I understand why you feel that way, but you have to realise that you are getting unhealthy again, right?” As no visible reaction followed, I frowned at my friend again. “Have you recently watched at yourself in the mirror Kakashi?” I asked instead.</p><p>“Yes.” Was his only answer, clearly defiant this time, still not catching my point apparently.</p><p>I hadn’t planned on brining Tenzo into this, but I thought maybe the concern of his Kohai would knock some sense into him.</p><p>“A few days ago, Tenzo asked my why you weren’t taking supplements. He thought you were way to thin, he wanted to know if you were sick, if your team was supposed to know about this, if you needed some time off.” I countered with my own no bullshit look, my eyebrows furrowed sceptically.</p><p>“You said I shouldn’t take supplements, so what’s your goddamn problem?!” He snapped back angrily. It was the first time in a long while that Kakashi was this aggressive towards me, or really, anyone, so I was a little taken aback by this.</p><p>“I, yeah that’s true, I guess. Because I wanted you to eat real food, it’s much better for you than those pills.” I answered keeping my own voice calm. “I am eating real food!” He bit back again, crossing his arms in front of his chest.</p><p>“You’re not really eating it Kakashi. I didn’t just mean putting it in your mouth, coughing it up again before your body can actually live of it!” It was my turn to snap. I knew it was the wrong thing to do that very instant the words left my lips, but there was no taking it back now.</p><p>“I’m fucking fine! I feel healthy, I feel good, when did you get to decide what’s good for me?!” Kakashi was practically screaming now, probably only the thin walls of the building we lived in stopping him from getting any louder, as if our neighbours wouldn’t hear every word anyway.</p><p>It didn’t matter, luckily most people here knew how to be secretive, after all it was a complex solely for shinobi who lived alone. Except for the both of us, but that was an unofficial arrangement.</p><p>“Since you don’t fucking know, that’s why!” I snapped back, my friend instantly jumping up from the couch with a hurt expression, gesturing with his arms as if he wanted to argue but snapping his mouth shut with a frustrated sound somewhere between a scream and a grunt. His hands went to his thick hair, pulling at the wild strands in anger.</p><p>“Stop that! You’re acting like a child.” I snarled in his direction, my voice sever even though all I felt that moment was regret.</p><p>Goddamn it, I knew Kakashi was hurt and was just trying to protect himself, that was why he was snapping at me like that. It would have been my job to stay calm, but I was so distressed I just couldn’t.</p><p>He was sick again and didn’t even realise it! He would only get worse if he continued like that, why wouldn’t he listen to me?! I was so fucking scared of finding clumps of his hair all over the apartment again, of seeing his spine and ribs stick out like that again, I just wanted to see him healthy and happy! And now this…</p><p>“Just. Fuck you Gai.” He hissed back at me before turning and fleeing to the bedroom, slamming the door on his way.</p><p>All was silent after that and I slumped back into the couch boneless. My energy was sapped, I knew I fucked up. If anyone had acted childish just now it was definitely me, but running to my rivals now would only make matters worse. He didn’t want to see or hear me or my apologies just now and that was fine.</p><p>I would just sit here on the couch, waiting for him to come out of his shell on his own, wallowing in self-pity for the time being.</p><p>After a short while of absolute silence, I heard soft barking from inside of our bedroom. Kakashi had summoned his ninken. From the sound of it all eight dogs were with him, but their usually loud happy sounds were soft and subdued.</p><p>No wonder, their master was probably in a really bad place now and could use some comfort. There had been no sounds of crying, but I was under no illusion. Kakashi always cried without as much as a sound, the possibility that he was doing just that right now was quite high.</p><p>Not to mention that screaming like that always left him with a painful migraine after the sharingan had been planted into his empty eye socket. Some calm dog sounds and cuddles with warm furry bodies could help with that I was told.</p><p>Hours passed and I was glad Tenzo was not here. The poor teen handled emotions like hurt and aggression pretty badly outside of battle, especially with the people he actually liked. Mostly Kakashi. He probably would deal pretty badly with the fact that Kakashi had been locked in that room after a bad fight like that in his mental state.</p><p>I started cleaning after some time of sitting around and calming my nerves, coming clear with my regrets and mistakes after this talk.</p><p>I put our nearly untouched glasses away, scrubbed the sink clean, mopped the kitchen floor, reorganized the fridge, and after a while of contemplating I started cooking. We both skipped lunch with our sulking, the least we should eat was dinner after a day like that.</p><p>Grabbing the fresh eggplant and starting on Miso soup came naturally. It was like a peace offer, cooking Kakashi’s favourite food.</p><p>When I was pretty much done, just letting the soup simmer for a while I heard the soft tapping of claws on the wooden floor and soon Bisuke was circling my legs.</p><p>The small but brave and very verbal dog seemed to be Kakashi’s and the pack’s vanguard this time and I gave him a greeting smile.</p><p>“You are making Miso with eggplant, right?” He asked in a curious tone, getting up on his hind legs but still much too small to catch a glimpse of the soup cooking on the stove.</p><p>“Yeah, good nose.” I praised him even though I knew the dogs could all identify it from the bedroom without a problem.</p><p>“A, I’ll get Kakashi then.” He answered eagerly, his tail wagging while trotting back to the bedroom, barking in front of the door.</p><p>It was Akino who opened the door. I could catch it in the corner of my eye without openly staring at the pack, currently protecting their leader from his emotional turmoil it seemed.</p><p>Pakkun and Guruko trotted out next. Bull and Uhei were practically glued to the side of their beloved human while Urushi and Shiba brought up the rear of the group.</p><p>Kakashi stepped into the kitchen without a fuss. He wasn’t directly looking at me, but he also wasn’t going out of his way to ignore me, a good sign, because he was pretty good at outrunning his problems and any other kind of confrontation he wanted to evade.</p><p>He didn’t greet me either, but technically neither of us had left the apartment, so there wasn’t really a need to. Instead he started filling the dog’s bowls with kibble, lining the wall with them that wasn’t reserved for cooking.</p><p>Most of them went to eat right away, but Uhei stayed by his master and Pakkung hopped up on his lap as soon as the young shinobi sat down at our kitchen table, offering his paw, which was taken into the bony hand gratefully. The larger dog just sat by him, laying his head down on a piece of thigh that wasn’t already covered in dog.</p><p>It was cute how well they comforted him but it hurt to know I was the reason for his distress this time.</p><p>In the meantime, I filled two bowls with soup, placing one in front of my companion before sitting down myself. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” I said softly before starting on it, looking him directly in the face the first time after the fight.</p><p>His usual mask was replaced with a surgical one, pulled down to spoon some Miso into his mouth, as was his forehead protector, a normal white eyepatch letting his scar peak out a little.</p><p>He looked exhausted, his face slightly red so my assumption of him crying was probably correct.</p><p>But at least he was eating now, a smile lifting his face a little after swallowing.</p><p>“I know. Wasn’t your fault.” He answered first, swallowing another spoon before continuing. “I know my body is getting weaker again. I’ve started to notice it on missions. But I didn’t lie either, I do feel good. It’s been a habit for a while now, I don’t think I can just stop.”</p><p>Hearing Kakashi admit that was on one side pretty good, him realising he needed to stop this madness was the first step to getting him healthy again, but on the other side… It was pretty scary to hear that Kakashi felt unable to stop.</p><p>I tried to keep calm this time, nodding a little while trying to come up with something useful.<br/>“Okay, I think I get it. I guess Tenzo is right, for the time being we should probably get you some supplements again. They dissolve fast, you will get your nutrients even if you throw up what you eat. But we really should try to make that stop, it can’t be good for you.”</p><p>This time my rival nodded, unable to meet my eyes as if he was ashamed. “I’ll do some research on the topic, yeah? Just try to stay with me after meals for a while, so you won’t go and throw up right away, we’ll get this under control again in no time.” I tried to cheer him up a little, earning a small smile from the man I still loved in secret.</p><p>I went to buy new supplements for him right away on the next morning, instructing him carefully which ones he should take when. He had to go on a mission afterwards so I spent my time in the library, studying all the books I could find on the topic of eating disorders.</p><p>The civilian stuff just didn’t fit with the things I knew about Kakashi’s situation sadly.</p><p>It was described as something mostly young woman got caught in to fit in with expectations of society and unreachable beauty standards, but Kakashi wasn’t like that. How he looked was never really the point, but one thing seemed quite right. He did not realise how thin and sick he locked when watching his own reflection.</p><p>He probably didn’t see himself as fat or anything, but he could not see how fragile he looked either, so that was a little progress.</p><p>Over the next few weeks I went to the library a lot, soon finding books about eating disorders within our own community. Those seemed to fit much better.</p><p>There weren’t nearly as many cases, it seemed to be pretty rare, males were once again a minority, but it wasn’t referred as an illness solely prone to woman either.</p><p>Difficulties with food and eating were mostly listed as complications within other illnesses of the mind like post traumatic stress disorders especially after captivity or starvation and rape, but also long-time depression. Being unable to live with one’s actions in war or the loss of comrades were listed as triggers.</p><p>I concluded it probably wasn’t very far-fetched to say Kakashi had lived with depression and PTSD for most of his life, his eating disorder was possibly just a really sever outlet for the both of them.</p><p>Starving yourself could have a lot of reasons. I wasn’t confident enough to make a wild guess, even though I knew Kakashi like probably no one else did, I was no psychiatrist. But the compulsion to throw up had a specific name: Bulimia nervosa.</p><p>Kakashi certainly felt like eating and throwing up was better than starving himself. Both options were pretty bad, but I read up one some things that could happen and what triggers I should look out for and how I could help out.</p><p>My idea of keeping him with me after meals was certainly a good one it seemed. But it probably wouldn’t stop him from throwing up at a later point. It meant he would get some nutrition out of eating but it didn’t stop this addiction either. And it certainly was an addiction, something Kakashi did not really have under control anymore, even though it started as controlling his body’s response towards food.</p><p>Other things listed as helpful were friends and stable social contacts, but Kakashi was still unwilling to meet most of our friends. I would bet that meeting up with Kurenai and Genma would be good for him, they were very caring people, but after Asuma leaving that was practically impossible. He felt like it was his fault even though it was solely the man’s father that was at fault.</p><p>Now that I thought about it, Antidepressants would probably good for Kakashi. They would help with more than just the symptoms and could help with sleep as well, but that would mean appointments with doctors and psychiatrists and whatnot. Impossible, because my rival barely went to his mandatory check-ups, fleeing hospital even though he was still on bedrest after most injuries.</p><p>All in all, there was not a lot I could do except for keeping an eye on him at all times, limiting his time alone or in the bathroom after finding him throwing up again and again…</p><p>The supplements kept him from getting worse, but he didn’t gain any weight either, that probably meant Kakashi was still throwing up most of what he ate, without me noticing even though I knew now and tried to stop him from doing so.</p><p>It was getting colder again, my best friend constantly wrapped in my gifted sweaters and blankets and surrounded by a pile of dogs. Rain was falling, snow a real rarity here, but rain a constant in the cold season.</p><p>That was when the first day ever came that Kakashi Hatake called out of work.</p><p>A pigeon with a small scroll bound to it’s leg sat on our windowsill, he read it, contemplating the small text message for a while before turning in my direction.</p><p>“Gai? Could you please go to the Hokage’s office for me? Tell Sandaime-sama that I can’t go on that mission tomorrow, let raven lead the team instead, yeah?”</p><p>I was shocked and worried beyond all measure at that statement. Kakashi never called in sick or needed time off, he always went on missions, no matter his condition or social life.</p><p>“Are you feeling unwell?” I asked instantly, concern filling my voice, because he certainly looked kind of sick. He was pale, his hair unkempt, well more so than usual and his voice was scratchy and near silent.</p><p>I hadn’t noticed until now, because Kakashi hasn’t said a lot since getting up and the last few days in general.</p><p>“Running a little fever but nothing bad. With the weather I’m just gonna hold them back though so I’ll sit this one out. They can do it without me.” He said nodding a little and I agreed. It was good that Kakashi was taking care of himself for once, right?!</p><p>I hurried to the tower after that, appearing with the message sent to my roommate and bowing before our leader, explaining the situation. He agreed, just as shocked as me that the Hatake heir let a mission slip, so it had to be serious. He wished his shinobi good health and let me return home after that without a mission of my own.</p><p>It was eerily silent when I entered our small apartment. No barking or clicking claws on the floor, no warm shower running that my friend liked on cold days like this, no one in the kitchen fixing either dog or human food.</p><p>Maybe he went back to sleep? I checked the couch and the bed, but he wasn’t there so I went to the only other room. In the last few weeks the thought of Kakashi hiding away in the bathroom sent chills down my spine, but this time my feeling was especially bad.</p><p>The door was cracked open, the light was on and I heard wheezing breath as I got closer, hurrying my steps and ripping the door open.</p><p>Kakashi’s thin form was curled up in front of the toilet, his face contorted in pain and smeared with blood. I was kneeling by his side in an instant, cradling his head in my lap and trying to observe the situation as best as I could with my panic addled brain.</p><p>There was more blood on the floor where it was dripping off a to pale chin, on Kakashi’s trembling hands and smeared on the porcelain rim of our toilet. A short glance inside revealed even more dark blood swirling in the ugly connotation that was half dissolved breakfast rice and bile.</p><p>The form in my arms groaned painfully in-between wheezing and uneven breaths that was probably barely getting him enough oxygen to stay awake. I carefully patted his cheek uncaring of the blood and bile still sticking to it to get the other’s attention.</p><p>“Kakashi, you with me?” I asked softly, trying to hide my panic and hold back the tears gathering on my eyelashes.</p><p>He just nodded, a hectic movement. He was probably in shock himself if the trembling was anything to go by.</p><p>“Try to speak as few words as possible, okay?” I said, holding him close because I just knew with all that blood and the difficulties to even catch his breath talking had to be hell, but I needed some information.</p><p>“What happened here?” I asked next, keeping his sole eye focused on mine so the sight of his own blood would not worsen his panic, or even worse, would revert him into an Anbu mode, that would certainly make his fight or flight reflex kick in like a bitch, the last thing we needed now.</p><p>“Been throwing up blood for a while... Not this bad, can’t breathe.” Was everything he could squeeze out of his injured throat, squeezing his eye shut for a second.</p><p>“Oh Kakashi, why didn’t you tell me.” I sighed softly but clearly not as a question, because right now my friend was not in a state to answer. Likely more to make my sorrow about his dire condition known.</p><p>Another round of coughing brought up more blood and another pained sound I could barely stomach, the acidic taste in the air not helping at all.</p><p>I read about this somewhere in the countless hours I spent in the library. Infections in the oesophagus were not uncommon after a long time of continuous throwing up, in sever cases the poor thing got so rough and ripped up it could end like this, in a bloody mess.</p><p>I tried to sooth my love as best as I could through his pain, some tears finally streaking down my face. This could end really ugly, if he didn’t get help and stop this, he could fucking die!</p><p>A sob tore it’s way out of my own throat and I carefully lifted the trembling body of my partner. He was taught like a bowstring with all the pain he was in, clutching at the back of my shirt. I pulled his mask up to at least safe some of his dignity before teleporting myself to the hospital.</p><p>The movement made him hack up more blood instantly. It was certainly very unpleasant but at least we had an entourage of doctors and nurses by our side immediately, escorting us to a sterile room for his treatment. After putting him down I was barraged with questions, answering them all honestly even though the unwilling patient tried to protest.</p><p>I knew he didn’t want me to tell others about this eating disorder thing, but now it was necessary and I told them everything I knew or at least suspected.</p><p>But if there was one person, we could trust in this situation it was Tsunade-sama, the best doctor Konoha had to offer and one of the best ninja at the same time. She could keep a secret if she just wanted to.</p><p>She was already crouched next to my hurt friend by the time I was pushed out of the room, her hand glowing in a soft green colour while touching the injured throat. The painful coughing had already stopped, and I felt tears running down my face freely now, sitting next to the door for the next few hours.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter deals with the aftermath of the last one. It's mostly dialog. I'm not saying it's medically correct, but I know how psych sessions work from my own experience, so that's what my knowledge is based on here.</p><p>Tsunade is secretly a mama bear, who loves her children but doesn't want to admit it, so finally a little comfort, there's going to be a lot more in the future &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I spent exactly three hours, twenty-two minutes and thirty-five seconds sitting on the floor right next to the door to the treatment room Kakashi, Tsunade and three assistants were currently inhabiting. But it felt at least triple the time. If I weren’t staring directly at a clock, I would probably assume I hallucinated.</p><p>I was restless, moving up and down the hall as far as I could get without letting that door out of my sightline or hearing distance. My muscles ached from how wound up I was and my nerves were shot to hell. I was so nervous about what was happening inside and just wanted to comfort my friend.</p><p>Kakashi was probably scared shitless in there. He would never say something like that out loud or even show it in any other small ways, but that was what had me worried in the first place.</p><p>The nurses needed to know about his shock to choose the right medicaments… But it was probably obvious while looking at his blood pressure and heart frequency. They were medically trained professionals and not some field lazaret butchering their job. They knew what they were doing, I just needed to calm down…</p><p>Tsunade though was a wholly different story. She had a tendency to be kind of, uhm rough, with her patients.</p><p>Hopefully the strong headed kunoichi would understand how delicate this matter was to my dear rival and treat him accordingly, maybe holding back on the scolding part until he was feeling a little less like he was dying of suffocation by his own blood. I prayed that he would be okay.</p><p>It was one of the nurses that opened the door, the tall man that had helped me with putting my injured comrade down with as much care and as little pain as possible as soon as we reached this room.</p><p>He looked a little worse for wear after the intense work that had probably taken place behind the closed door but gave me an encouraging smile as soon as we met eyes, gesturing for me to enter.</p><p>I gave him a quick nod of acknowledgement and gratitude before entering, going to the cot in the middle of the room right away.</p><p>Kakashi was laying down more comfortably now, his head resting on a soft pillow, as well as his legs to alleviate them a little, good for circulation. His face and hands were clean now from what I could tell at first glance, a surgical mask covering the bottom half of his face, a soft looking bandage wrapped around his eye.</p><p>It wasn’t injured from what I had seen, but I could guess with the way my friend had his eyes closed that he probably had a splitting headache on top of everything else now. The bandages blocked more light than a regular eyepatch, that should probably sooth his migraine a little.</p><p>His hands were folded over his middle, and IV line securely taped to the back of his non dominant left hand, he was fidgeting with it as much as he could without irritating it.</p><p>He’d look rather peaceful actually, if it weren’t for the bloodstains crusting on his light grey shirt and the way his breath was still rasping loudly.</p><p>Tsunade-sama was standing beside the cot looking over some charts with a critical expression, the other two assistants still bustling around the room to clean up.</p><p>As I stopped next to the blonde woman, I looked down expectantly, bowing my head slightly before meeting her strict brown eyes. We may have grown taller than the woman already but everyone in the village knew it would be foolish to reduce her to her height. She was built like a brick wall beneath that feminine tunic of hers, her strength was something to marvel at.</p><p>“Ah Gai, thought you would wait up.” She greeted absentmindedly while still putting her focus on the papers in front of her.</p><p>“Of course.” I answered, trying for my usual enthusiasm but failing quite spectacularly as my lips just couldn’t form a correct smile even halfway while standing in this room.</p><p>I stepped closer to Kakashi instead, carefully touching his left arm. “Are you feeling a little better my friend?” Keeping my voice low I asked him, hopeful that his throat was at least recovered enough after the healing to speak again.</p><p>“Much better, s’ good as new, thank you Gai.” Came his answer, still hoarse and barely recognisable as the voice of my childhood friend but I was still glad he could talk at all. He even opened up his good eye the smallest bit, giving his typical one-eyed smile to cheer me up, clearly catching on to my distress.</p><p>Tsunade snorted, shattering the illusion that all would be fine in no time, but I appreciated it. Living in a fantasy of happy things had brought this on in the first place, it was time to face how bad Kakashi was actually doing, stopping him from hiding it away and do something to help him.</p><p>“I, your doctor, wouldn’t use ‘as good as new’ as the right phrasing but please go on, you never listen anyway, right Hatake?” She was snappish, clearly unhappy with her patient. I wondered what Kakashi had done to piss her off, but the young shinobi in question was all silent now, closing his eye again and just waiting her triad out.</p><p>She tapped her clipboard in an angry gesture several times before handing it off to a nurse that left the room quickly, then the kunoichi turned to me for an explanation as I was currently much more receptive than her patient himself, who was for all my good vocabulary, being a brat and ignoring her with all his might.</p><p>“His oesophagus is badly infected from all the disuse he put that poor thing through. He’s probably been spitting up blood for weeks now. The infection is slowly spreading farther down, reaching his lungs. His body tried to counter with a high fever and a nasty cough, that’s why he’s barely getting enough air to function right now, the insides of his throat were practically shredded when you brought him here.”</p><p>I swallowed hard, trying to process what was being said and nodded at several points in her diagnosis to make my understanding known. My eyes were still on my dear friend, my hand holding on to his arm in a way I hoped was comforting, but he showed no outward reaction to it.</p><p>“Yeah, I read about that, it’s why I brought him here right away. And well, that fact that he literally looked like he was dying. Been a while since I saw that, you scared me.” I said softly, sending him a condescending look. He probably felt that one without having to look at me.</p><p>“You read about it?” She asked with one of her elegant eyebrows raised in a confused look.</p><p>I nodded, carefully caressing my friend’s arm as a form of apology. Talking about this was a very sensitive topic after all and while I already mentioned that this incident was part of an eating disorder while arriving here, it was an emergency, no time to talk about all the details and that.</p><p>Well I guess it’s time to air all that dirty laundry, if he likes it or not.</p><p>“Yes, I read a lot of books on the topic of eating disorders in the last couple of months.” I explained, catching sight of one pained, grey eye, pleading with me to keep this to myself.</p><p>I would do everything for Kakashi. I love Kakashi, even though I was still to find the right moment to finally say it. But I would not let Kakashi run himself into an early grave, and keeping this secret any longer was the fastest route to get him the help we desperately needed.</p><p>I had cared for him since our childhood when it came to this, trying my best, but the last year was so fucking hard, he just got sicker and sicker, this whole illness was running him ragged and putting a rift between us I couldn’t cross on my own anymore.</p><p>He was constantly hiding, throwing up in secret even though both of us knew it was bad for him. We couldn’t deal with this on our own anymore, it was growing over our heads, this incident being the best example for how out of control the situation was getting.</p><p>“So you knew about it?” Tsunade asked and my dark eyes met her brown ones in a determined gaze.</p><p>“Yes, this has been following us for years now.” I answered softly and she nodded in an understanding way, letting her strict and angry façade slip for a while, pulling two chairs over.</p><p>Kakashi was watching us now, letting his mask fall as well. At least figuratively speaking, the surgical mask was good for his throat, so that had to stay on.</p><p>But he had stopped ignoring the conversation as it was clear now we wouldn’t just drop the topic, he was attentive and looked ready to answer some much-needed questions.</p><p>“When did it start?” The doctor asked, ready to take notes on an empty page she had nearby, clearly having noticed Kakashi’s openness and taking answers as long as he was offering them.</p><p>“I guess in the war? You know some bad things happened… Lost my appetite, food was unbearable for a while.” He said and all of us knew he was referring to the gruesome deaths of his teammates.</p><p>But that didn’t feel right at all. I felt like I was intruding, but just like in our childhood when I first rushed into the Hatake house without being allowed to, to help an unconscious Kakashi, I couldn’t stop the urge to interject.</p><p>“I think it started much earlier, while we were still children. After… after Hatake-san killed himself I think.”</p><p>I still remembered that time vividly. Kakashi did as well, if the way his already fair complexion blanched was anything to go by.</p><p>“Ah, I see. How do you think it started Gai?” Tsunade asked, obviously accepting and understanding why my opinion on the matter differed from that of her patient.</p><p>It was very clear from the state Kakashi was currently in, that his deception concerning the matter of food and his body wasn’t exactly accurate. He didn’t have a great feeling for his own body at the moment, constantly pushing past boundaries in an unhealthy way.</p><p>I was all for pushing one’s body to the limits, training was very important to me, but the body is the vessel of the human soul, it is important to treat it right. Growing old may be against my concept of eternal youth, but it is part of life and should be. Because dying young was certainly no good goal for anyone.</p><p>The blonde kunoichi probably knew all to well that Kakashi was not a good judge of history concerning this, trusting me to suffice and correct answers as I saw fit, the young man in question accepted me adding to the story without comment.<br/>That was probably all the support I could get from him at the moment so I gave a soft smile in his direction, trying to explain my point of view.</p><p>“Hatake-san’s death was very traumatic for all people involved. We were both still very young. I lost my own father much later, but I can understand the shock your system goes through with suddenly living all on your own. I guess Kakashi just lost his appetite and didn’t wish to cook for himself?”</p><p>I tried to explain, sending a questioning glance in the direction of my childhood friend, begging him to confirm or deny, but please just don’t close up again.</p><p>Tsunade-sama knew all about the gruesome picture Sakumo’s death had painted. She was very close with Jiraiya after all, and Jiraiya was Sakumo’s brother in all but blood. The young adults had struggled to deal with the untimely death of their friend, I could tell even now, a decade later, how much it hurt the stoic woman to think about it.</p><p>Not to mention the beginnings of war they were involved in back then. They were simply too busy to pick up the pieces of the shattered child left behind after that fateful day. She was regretting it now.</p><p>Her expression was grave, all traces of amusement or curiosity vanished. The guilt took their place, not in an obvious fashion, she was cool and calm at least on a surface level.</p><p>The young men before her she could still remember as small children. Children she hadn’t protected and now Kakashi paid the price, a sickness so harsh plaguing him for years and he was only now seeking help and only because it was a last resource.</p><p>“Yes, I felt a little like everything was too much back then. Before it wasn’t a problem to clean and train and do the shopping, cooking and learning for the academy and all that at the same time. I was used to doing it on my own, but after dad died… I slacked off.” My friend intercepted, and I was glad he hadn’t cut us off again already.</p><p>“I slept a lot more I think, but I’m not sure, memory is a little tricky with remembering things like that. I still ate enough calories, just in the form of ration bars and supplement pills so I could keep up with my training regiment, but it was more convenient like that.” He elaborated and I nodded in agreement.</p><p>The doctor put some small notes down, I couldn’t read them from where I sat and Kakashi didn’t seem interested in them anyway, just squinting at the ceiling with one eye, the other hidden away securely.</p><p>“Did you slack of on other things than eating and cleaning? Personal hygiene?” The woman questioned further with a purpose I didn’t quite grasp yet.</p><p>My rival grimaced a little, his only answer a nod, to rest his throat, but also to avoid talking about things he would label as undignified.</p><p>He probably remembered the horrible smell of his unwashed laundry in that dusty bathroom and his greasy hair just as well as me and didn’t want to talk more about it than absolutely necessary.</p><p>“That’s nothing to be ashamed of my dear. I know all the ugly sides depression can bring with it, nothing you’ll tell me today or on a later date, if you feel too uncomfortable to continue now, will shock me. Believe me or not puppy, I want to help you, and you need some, if you want it or not. Your doctor knows best.”</p><p>I had never, in my entire life heard her so soft with a patient, or really, anybody except maybe for Shizune, but I personally knew how love made you act like a whole other person from time to time.</p><p>Usually I couldn’t keep anything to myself, excluding missions of course. I was a person that always wore my heart on my tongue, speaking freely and without fear of repercussion.</p><p>But I also knew that I loved Kakashi for years now and I still hadn’t told a single soul, not even Kakashi himself. The thought made me queasy, I should finally confess because there wouldn’t ever be a “perfect moment” to do it. I could have lost my friend today. I could lose him on every single mission. Life was too short for waiting things like this out.</p><p>I was determined now, the next moment Kakashi and I had to ourselves I would tell him and let him decide what he wanted to do with the knowledge about my feelings.</p><p>It was also Kakashi that brought my thoughts back on track and back to the conversation currently going on instead of future ones.</p><p>“Depression?” Ha asked softly, his fidgeting much more obvious now. The idea of such a diagnosis made him more uncomfortable than his physical pain apparently.</p><p>“Yes Kakashi, depression. It’s not very far-fetched to say even if it is not a fix diagnosis yet. But at least after your father killed himself you definitely had one, all the things you listed are clearly symptoms and the initial trigger is quite obvious. Most people live through short bouts of depression in their life, the loss of a loved one is often a trigger for such a phase.”</p><p>“It’s a little more difficult in your case though, you are everything but ordinary.” She hummed, contemplation something in her mind before continuing her explanation.</p><p>“With Sakumo as your father, you have a genetic disposition towards mental illness. I knew him quite well and he lived with his own sickness for much longer than normal. I wasn’t just the war or the loss of his clan and later his wife. He lived with his depression all his life and didn’t have the support or help he needed, ending in killing himself.<br/>So it’s partly in your genes I fear, but there’s still a lot we can do to help you.”</p><p>It sounded like a promise to do things different now. To face the problem instead of avoiding it and getting Sakumo to hide away until he couldn’t take it anymore.</p><p>Tsunade was determined to not make the same mistakes as with her friend. She wanted to help Kakashi, in a way to honour and mourn his father.</p><p>Well her reasons were only for her to decipher completely, but to me all that mattered was that she wanted to help my friend at all. That she wouldn’t judge him for the things that happened to him and what these experiences made him do in turn.</p><p>The Hatake heir looked vaguely pained while hearing all these things about his father and depression for the first time.</p><p>Kakashi had not seen himself as sick before, only looking at the facts that his body was failing him, considering that as his illness, but not the state of his mind that got him to this point in the first place.</p><p>“What did you do to get better back then?” Tsunade asked, carefully changing the topic without upsetting her patient further or making him feel coddled. Both of us knew how prideful he could be, he didn’t deal well with pity.</p><p>“Hm, Gai helped me move into my apartment. It’s much easier to care for than a large clan house. Dogs also helped, they reminded me of stuff to take care of, getting me out of bed and all that.” He answered honestly and I smiled thankful at the attention he put to my small part of the story.</p><p>After all I just gave him the idea to move out, all the hard work Kakashi had done by himself.</p><p>“Gai also started cooking for me, getting me to eat real meals.” He added after several seconds of thought and now it was Tsunade’s turn to smile.</p><p>“You were fucking adorable as children, you know?” She said in a teasing tone but wrote some more words down on her notepad, still much too small for me to read it from here.</p><p>“So that helped?” She asked for confirmation and continued her questioning as both of us nodded.</p><p>“And it got worse again in the third war?” Was her next question and Kakashi nodded again, to uncomfortable with that time to answer verbally it seemed. There were some minutes of silence, waiting if he would elaborate, but he didn’t and Tsunade turned to me again.</p><p>“Yeah, I mean it was hard on all of us, right? Food was rationed and expensive, that probably didn’t help at all, but it only got bad again after Obito-san died.” I conceded.</p><p>I still used honorifics when referring to Obito till this day. I had little memory of him, but while he was living, he was older than me, and a Genin when I was still in the academy. Not to mention that he saved Kakashi’s life. It only felt right to honour him.</p><p>“But I knew you were in top condition other than your very fluctuating chakra after, so how did you accommodate?” She was digging deeper as someone who was rather familiar with Kakashi’s extensive medical history. She was right after all, the young Jonin had been in his absolute prime at that time, not considering that short break we got after the war.</p><p>“Changed my diet.” Kakashi answered in a short way and the doctor already knew to look at me for an elaboration.</p><p>“We’ve gone vegetarian in the war. No meat, no fish and nothing with similar consistency or taste. Mostly light dishes as well, nothing with too much fat, it upsets his stomach.”</p><p>“That worked?” Tsunade inquired and I nodded eagerly. “For a while yeah. Migraines meant ration bars on some days though.” I added thoughtfully.</p><p>The blonde kunoichi turned some pages in her file and tapped her forehead mark deep in thoughts. “The sharingan did a real number on you Hatake. But you never asked for pain medicaments. What’s the reason?”</p><p>She actually sounded curious while asking after consulting her files first and Kakashi nodded in a pretty lethargic way from his resting spot on the cot.</p><p>“I’m perfectly functional as a shinobi.” Was his short, cut and kind of stiff answer to the question. I had never really thought about the reason Kakashi was not taking any kind of pain relief, but this sounded rather irrational.</p><p>But lately I had learned that Kakashi was not always as reasonable as he liked to act, so I wasn’t exactly surprised, just sighing softly and petting his rail thin wrist patiently while Tsunade tried to process what was being said.</p><p>“That was not what I asked though. I know that you’re ‘functional’, you are one of our best Anbu at the moment. I asked why you don’t want to take any pills to help with the pain.” She said sternly after a while of contemplating her answer.</p><p>My friend looked utterly confused at this turn and the blond woman literally face-palmed herself, rubbing the bride of her nose right after and trying to formulate the difference her patient wasn’t understanding.</p><p>“Taking pain relief does not equal being without use Kakashi. You can still be an active ninja while taking something to take the edge of. Most of the Anbu who did more than five years of service, just like you, take some kind of medicine to treat one or the other ailment. Grave injuries are just something that is inevitable in black ops.”</p><p>This explanation left my friend absolutely baffled. He was just staring at his doctor for several minutes as if she had just overthrown his whole world view.<br/>And honestly that probably wasn’t very far-fetched. Kakashi always thought of himself in the terms of useful and useless, success and failure. Showing weakness or admitting to pain meant failure to him, that’s the way he learned it.</p><p>That realisation brought quick tears to my eyes, but it was not the time to cry now. I swallowed my sadness and smiled instead, because this realisation also meant that this ugly way of viewing himself would end now for Kakashi.</p><p>As it was clear that the grey-haired ninja was currently rather tongue tied by this revelation Tsunade continued, once again scribbling some words down on her page.</p><p>“We could prescribe something if you want to? There is pretty good medicine for migraines nowadays, you’d only have to take the pills if you are in pain, they take about half an hour to get into your system and are pretty strong. And even if they don’t take all the pain away, the nausea would definitely lessen.”</p><p>The temperamental doctor was smiling as her reluctant patient considered his options, after a few seconds agreeing with her and she answered with a visibly pleased nod as if saying ‘good choice’.</p><p>“Now that this is taken care of, back to the topic. I assumed your eating disorder was flaring up again after what happened to Rin-chan?” She was obviously trying to be tactful, her voice low and patient while asking after that particular incident, but even after years it was still like a raw, open wound for Kakashi.</p><p>He was very uncomfortable with the whole topic, turning on his side, only allowing us to see his back now. He probably felt very defenceless at the moment, laying there on the cot, hurt and exhausted. This was likely the only way he could up his defences at the moment so he did, but he wrangled himself for an answer anyway.</p><p>“Yeah. I put my fist through her fucking chest cavity. I think that makes most people lose their appetite. I didn’t want to eat.” He was murmuring, angry and in pain that wasn’t just radiating from his throat.</p><p>I carefully touched his back, tracing his very obvious vertebrae. He flinched a little at first but started to relax into the touch as soon as he recognised it as mine.</p><p>“Yes, it was really bad for a while. Hokage-sama put him with Anbu right after. He was throwing up a lot, couldn’t even finish half a plate before springing up and running to the bathroom. He was looking very sick, I was afraid how much more he could take. I was so glad the war ended when it did.”</p><p>I tried to explain but found myself unable to even speak of my fear that Kakashi could have died because he simply couldn’t stomach any food in times of war.</p><p>Tsunade seemed to understand my deep concern anyway and nodded, a grave expression painting her face.<br/>“We were all glad the war ended when it did. None of the nations could have taken it for much longer, we were all at our breaking point. I’m happy you got better afterwards Kakashi.” The woman stated, for once sounding her actual age, that she didn’t quite look under any other circumstance.</p><p>“It was the first time I felt like I was normal.” Admitted the tall form on the cot without facing us. It wasn’t like I could relate, I was never considered a prodigy like him, I was never heir to a clan, I never carried the high expectations he had to deal with. But this I could understand.</p><p>Growing up in the war left a lot of young people damaged. After such a long time of fighting, trying to find a new normal was kind of difficult, but after finding it, it felt fantastic.</p><p>“You are special Kakashi, but that’s not bad, you know?” Tsunade tried to sooth his sour mood a little before getting to the most important point of this talk.</p><p>How Kakashi managed to get himself into the condition he was in today.</p><p>“I bet it got bad again after the nine tailed beast attacked?” The woman asked already knowing the answer and just waiting for confirmation.</p><p>The young shinobi in question just nodded, barely visible because of the position he was in now, but enough to make it clear he agreed with the statement.</p><p>“I should have known something was wrong, but I didn’t realise how bad it was.” I admitted, trying not to sound pained but I just knew I failed.</p><p>“So Kakashi has been hiding from you that he was throwing up again?” Tsunade assumed and I nodded, unable to meet her eyes. This finally prompted Kakashi into speaking again.</p><p>“I liked how things were after the war. I wanted them to stay that way, so I tried to hide. It’s embarrassing how food is the only enemy that I can’t really fight, I don’t want people to know this about me. After a while I figured out that it got better if I threw up on purpose. It’s easier to control, I can eat more, act normal.” He tried to explain, his voice sounding horribly hoarse, and not just from how damaged his throat was, but also because of how many emotions he was currently living through while trying to get her to understand his point of view.</p><p>“You feel more in control like this?” She inquired, making quick notes without even looking down at her pad, instead opting for staring at his tense back.</p><p>I was still softly touching him from time to time, just to let him know I was there, but I was mostly watching the doctor. Her reactions gave a lot of answers if one was looking for it. Kakashi was obviously ignoring her clues, I was actively trying to look and understand.</p><p>My friend once again simply nodded and the woman frowned for a short second, tapping the page several times before clearly noting down ‘Bulimia nervosa’ and underlining the word.</p><p>It seemed like this was the final clue towards the illness, the wish of being in control…</p><p>“Can you look at yourself in a mirror?” She continued her line of question easily and her patient bobbed his head slightly. “Are you happy with what you see?”</p><p>After a moment of silence Kakashi shrugged. “I think so.” “And how do other people see you, or well, how do you wish other people would see you?” She followed right up and the thin set of shoulders tensed even more, unsure where this was going while the doctor was on a direct path, indicating she already knew where he was going.</p><p>“Strong. I have muscles, I am lithe and fast, flexible. I want to look like a good shinobi.” Was what he said, his tone clearly pissed off and annoyed by her now.</p><p>“And how do you think Gai see’s you?” She answered fast again, starling me with bringing my opinion into this.</p><p>“I just said that. We train a lot together, hell we live together, Gai knows how I look.” He was clearly in a sour mood now and I was a little afraid what my answer would do to him at this point, but Tsunade already turned to me expectantly. “So Gai, how do you really see Kakashi?”</p><p>I swallowed, looking down at the floor self-consciously for the first time since we were sitting here and talking because I knew my friend would feel betrayed by my words.<br/>I was determined to talk the truth anyway.</p><p>“Kakashi has been looking sick for a while now. He’s very thin and pale. He got muscles, yes but not an ounce of fat, it’s not healthy. Especially now that it’s getting colder again, you’re always shivering and uncomfortable. I’m sorry my dear rival, but I just want you to get better.” I explained softly, hiding beneath my fringe for a second.</p><p>The young man on the cot didn’t react to this but the woman next to me certainly did.</p><p>“Why do you think your picture of yourself does not match the picture that others have of you?” She asked, this time not particularly soft or comforting, but rather challenging.</p><p>“I’m not fucking sick, okay?! I can still do my job, I’m not sick!” Kakashi hissed from his spot and it was my turn to flinch a little, but Tsunade kept her composure just fine or wasn’t even shocked by this statement in the first place.</p><p>“So why did this happen if you are totally in control and not sick at all Kakashi? Why are you here, with your throat shredded to pieces?” The words felt even harsh to me. They had to be like a slap to the face to my injured friend, but sometimes that was the best course of action someone could take with him when his stubborn mind was in denial.</p><p>“It’s not… I’m not, it’s not like that!” And Kakashi obviously was in denial. Raising his voice was probably painful, he hissed slightly, breaking off his stammering explanation, or rather lack of.</p><p>Tsunade gave him time to look for a real answer instead, patiently waiting.<br/>“It’s out of control. I can’t stop even though it hurts like hell now. It feels good at the same time, I don’t know how to explain, it doesn’t even make sense.” He finally admitted and the blonde doctor nodded knowingly.</p><p>“Yeah, I know. That’s because this is a very serious illness Kakashi, and it’s not an illness of the body my dear. The illness is in your head and it’s pulling your perception on certain things out of shape. It’s why you don’t see your own body correctly and it’s why you can’t stop throwing up even if you want to. It works like an addiction, there’s a whole rush of hormones after throwing up that take away physical pain and make you feel more happy. But it’s very dangerous for the body.” She stated calmly and Kakashi at least turned his head a little so he could squint at us from the corner of his eye.</p><p>“It still doesn’t make a lot of sense.” He sighed, his one visible eye tried and absent minded.</p><p>“I know.” She repeated and put her notepad away. “But you understand now that you are sick, right?” She said softly and received a nod from her patient. She took that as her point to get up and I quickly followed.</p><p>“That’s the first step to getting back on track. But you’re tired now, we have a room ready. You’re going to stay here at least a few days. There’s going to be more sessions on your injury, we are also going to figure out how to help you in other ways. But first you need to rest.” She stated and helped the young man with getting up.</p><p>At first he was a little wobbly on his feet, I was at his side in an instant, but he found his balance pretty quickly, more or less walking to his room on his own while I pulled his IV stand for him.</p><p>It got more obvious how tired he was as soon as we reached the room. I needed to help him get on the bed, his eyes already closed.</p><p>“Will you stay?” He asked, his voice so low, I barely even caught it, but my answer was instant anyways.</p><p>“Of course!” I smiled brightly, Tsunade leaving the room with a short wave, her way of saying that it was fine by her. So I once again settled on a chair at his bedside, Kakashi falling into a deep slumber as soon as I was close.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. It get's worse before it get's better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had a pretty shitty week. My depression was kind of kicking my butt and I don't like people but still have to see them everyday. I bet most of you get that feeling, so yeah that's why the chapter is a little 'late' even though I don't have a strict update schedule..</p><p>This chapter is full of feelings and pretty chaotic, just like I felt this week. It was the best that I could do, hope you like it though</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi’s throat was healed over the course of two weeks, one session on a daily basis. These weeks were spent in a hospital bed, despite the young man’s incessant protests that he would be fine at home.</p><p>He was clearly uncomfortable with lying around all day, but staying in hospital also meant he was on medical leave, no missions, no meetings, no training, and that was exactly what the ninja needed even if he did not realise this on his own.</p><p>I brought him some of his Icha-Icha books so he had something to do whenever I had to leave. Luckily Hokage-sama was very understanding and didn’t call for me very often.</p><p>Even Sarutobi knew that the situation had to be serious in nature if Kakashi Hatake was on medical leave for more than a week. The only other times this was known to happen was the loss of his eye, that one time he was nearly gutted on a mission and chakra-exhaustion so sever he was practically in a coma.<br/>So even if the man did not know the exact circumstances, he knew to leave the both of us be.</p><p>The first day after his admittance was spent in bed. After I had slept slumped over in that uncomfortable chair, I had a horrible crick in my back and my rival was insistent that I lay on the bed with him to counter that.</p><p>It was a single room with a rather large bed intended for a long stay, so the both of us fit well enough, even though it was a little challenging to not get entangled in the IV lines and other cables monitoring Kakashi’s state.</p><p>It was not all that different from how we slept at home in the end. Five years ago, it was a good fit, but nowadays it was getting a bit cramped with how much we had grown up and all the dogs sharing our space.</p><p>It was probably time to get a new bed, because even though we hadn’t explicitly talked about it, I knew none of us was intending to change our sleeping arrangements again.</p><p>Well I certainly didn’t, I would really miss the warmth and comfort of another presence after such a long time and Kakashi was still prone to nights spent without sleep or worse, nightmares. I was his ward on nights like that.</p><p>Kakashi tried to look relaxed and cheerful in conversation, as if nothing at all had happened and there was no big reason why he was in hospital now, but I saw his exhaustion and guilt through the cracks of his façade easily. You could call it years of practice.</p><p>He was still too weak to summon his dogs, his greatest comfort, another clear sign of how unwell he truly was.</p><p>I took this chance for a talk. We were all alone and we had all the time on earth, the date of his release still far away.</p><p>So I told Kakashi how scared I was of losing him, how guilty I felt about my inability to see his demise over the course of months and help him out of it. I also explained that I thought he looked beautiful, no matter how normal or sick or strong he looked to others and finally the words left my lips, after years of keeping them in.</p><p>We laid on that cramped hospital bed, staring at each other and I carefully reached over, touching his cheek. It was a little clammy and hollow, his jaw sticking out in an unnatural way, but his dark, grey eye was still the most beautiful thing in existence to me.</p><p>“I understand if you don’t feel the way I do. If you just want to be friends or well, not be friends anymore, you just need to tell me and nobody will ever know about it. Nothing will change between us if you don’t want to, but I want you to know that I love you. I’ve known for some time now, but I was… scared, I think, to tell you. For a second I thought you would die in my arms when I found you yesterday. You looked absolutely horrible and the thought of you not knowing how I feel about you in that moment was just too much.<br/>I will always love you, no matter what.”</p><p>After saying it I swallowed hard, a lump as thick as a fist in my throat, fear of his reaction clearly painting my whole being. I was unable the meet his gaze now, instead staring down at my lap, hiding behind my fringe of thick, black hair. The hand was still holding onto his face gently, but I could feel the way it shook, this time my own skin was clammy.</p><p>My heart was beating like crazy, I hadn’t realized before how much I feared the possibility of rejection, our lives were so entangled, how would it even work out if we suddenly didn’t want to cross path anymore?</p><p>It felt like an eternity, no reaction from Kakashi at all while we were lying there. Then I heard a soft sob and an equally shaking hand grabbed mine from the hollow cheek, pulling it away.</p><p>I was shocked, my eyes darting up again. Kakashi was openly crying, something that barely ever happened with how in control of his emotions the other shinobi usually was. I felt absolutely crestfallen, I never had the intention to hurt my friend with my confession!</p><p>But before I could fall further into a mode of panic Kakashi pulled himself incredibly close, one of his legs nudging it’s way between my thighs, his torso was practically draped over mine, his thin but strong arms snaking around my neck, holding onto my shirt in an iron grip.</p><p>I was left speechless as a wet face was buried in my neck, more sobs wracking the lithe body of the person I loved, suddenly as close to me as never before.</p><p>“No..Nobody has said that to me since… since dad died, th-thank you so much. I think… I think I love you too Gai. I-I’m so sorry that I am like…like this, oh my god I love you.”</p><p>Kakashi was sobbing like a child, his words hoarse and stuttered, so many emotions and realizations within those short sentences that it broke my heart.</p><p>The last person that ever said he was loved was Sakumo, a man that had been dead for much longer than a decade now.</p><p>I felt how a sob ripped out of my own chest, my arms tightening around the trembling body pressed on top of mine, he in turn was clawing at my back in desperation, as if fate would rip us apart any second now that we finally confessed our feelings.</p><p>Of course nothing like that happened, it didn’t stop us from holding onto each other as if we’d fall apart otherwise though. <br/>One of my hands wandered up to pet Kakashi’s messy hair, soothing words falling from my lips even as tears poured down my own face, the wet spot on my collar continuously growing, hot, pained breathing painting my neck, the tang of blood still in the air.</p><p>“Shh Kakashi, you’re fine, everything will be okay, I love you, we’re okay, nothing bad will happen, I promise.” I whispered softly as his ear was so close to my mouth that anything louder probably would have startled him.</p><p>I don’t know how much time we spent like this, crying and sobbing and whispering our feelings towards each other, but it was probably hours because Kakashi fell asleep just like that, securely tucked into my own body, his face buried in my neck.</p><p>The tear tracks had long since dried when he woke up again, looking utterly confused for a second there before meeting my eyes and a wobbly smile crept onto his pale lips. The young Anbu carefully sat up a little, practically in my lap now, leaning close.</p><p>I could barely comprehend what was happening, but as our lips met it felt natural. Kakashi’s lips were chapped and dry, he tasted of mouthwash and sleep, the slight tang of blood hidden beneath, but it was like we fit together perfectly nevertheless, a set of puzzle pieces holding onto each other.</p><p>Kakashi held on to the front of my shirt now, I laid my arms around his waist, our tongues carefully brushing each other for the very first time.</p><p>It was a little awkward and chaste but it still felt like there was a whole firework going off in my chest. If the smile of my lover was anything to go by, he felt in a similar way.</p><p>I was glad that I finally told my friend about my feelings. Over the course of the two weeks spent in that bed it seemed to be the only thing brightening his days.</p><p>Suddenly he had to talk about his issues he had hidden away for years with all kinds of doctors, he felt exposed and anxious about it. So much in fact that Pakkun sat in his lap as soon as he was strong enough to summon him again and wouldn’t leave.</p><p>The dog obviously felt the distress his master was in, sitting there like a guard, Kakashi taking comfort in holding him and massaging the small paws as he often did when he was stressed.<br/>My presence at his back was new, but the effect on him was the same apparently.</p><p>Next to the treatment on his injured throat Kakashi was also introduced to the pain relief Tsunade had offered for his migraines, testing several different pills. He wanted to find one that would not send him to sleep, because that’s what most of them did. At home that may be kind of nice, but he was a shinobi and looking for something he could also use in the field.</p><p>Tsunade made a compromise and prescribed one with the desired effect but also an anti-depressant that was supposed to help him sleep. He had to take it every day, something he wanted to avoid at first but agreed to after she annoyed him with it for long enough.</p><p>The blonde kunoichi also gave him something to help with nausea, because it was a fight after every single meal to keep it down. One he lost nearly every time, so he had to take the pills as long as he was in hospital.</p><p>There were also long sessions to help him get the disorder under control again. A meal plan was the first step.</p><p>They took into consideration what I had already learned. No meat, no fish, consistence of the food and low fat to sooth his stomach. They weren’t too happy about it apparently, because they deemed Kakashi underweight and wanted to get him back to a healthy level as soon as possible, but more calories than necessary would only be a hindrance.</p><p>It was better to have him eat low calorie meals than to have him throw up more hearty food after all.</p><p>They also prescribed several supplements to fill for the things Kakashi was severely lacking like iron and some vitamins.</p><p>There were also some rules, as soon as it was clear he would leave the hospital as soon as his throat was healed. After meals he had to stay with someone (obviously meaning me) for at least an hour. Bathroom doors always had to be left open, yes even though that was embarrassing and no alcohol for at least six months from now.</p><p>I was a little confused about the last point at first, it seemed so out of context but Tsunade explained it to me just outside of Kakashi’s room.</p><p>First the alcohol would be bad for the still healing throat. It was mostly fine, but could get irritated and inflamed easily.</p><p>Alcohol also didn’t mix well with the different pills he took now, it wasn’t impossible, but a no go while his body was still adjusting to the chemicals.</p><p>And last but not least, alcohol was often used as an excuse to throw up. Drinking too much on purpose or acting as if was often seen in people with eating disorders who were cut off from their usual method of choice.</p><p>She also mentioned that people newly taking anti-depressants were more prone to suicide, alcohol definitely could get people into bad ideas, so it was just a rule we had to accept for now.</p><p>All these possibilities were pretty scary so I was sure to keep my eyes open at all times.</p><p>Shortly after Kakashi was released but not immediately cleared for active duty. Instead he had strict instructions how he was allowed to work out and how much he had to eat accordingly.</p><p>Tenzo had been worried. Had had come here several times, but no one was in the apartment, finally learning from Itachi, who had taken over the team for the time being, that he was on a medical leave and that I was more or less residing in the hospital with him.</p><p>He didn’t want to intrude so he never visited, but he was constantly by our side as soon as Kakashi was home again, as were the dogs.</p><p>I took on the great duty of cooking for Kakashi according to the meal plan, Tenzo trained with him. Well, kept him from training too much was probably more accurate but still.</p><p>He tried to act normal, but at the same time it was very obvious that my friend was struggling. He was practically non-verbal on the first day home. It was very embarrassing for him to stick to the rules Tsunade and her team had set up, in the evening when we were laying down in bed, he always apologized for how difficult he was being.</p><p>We decided not to tell anyone but Tenzo, neither of our newly formed relationship, it was just too visible to keep it from our young friend even though he was still relatively new to social interaction, nor of the eating disorder and the stint in hospital.</p><p>As the brunet was the first to figure it out, before even I had noticed how bad Kakashi was doing, we explained in great detail what that was and how it worked, ultimately leading to how he could help his senpai with it.</p><p>So Tenzo came over to eat with us on the days he was home, keeping Kakashi company, hoping that talking together would keep him from having thoughts about throwing up. It worked pretty good on most days, apparently the desire to throw everything he just ate up was more manageable after the first hour with food sitting in his stomach.</p><p>On other days it still felt like we had nothing under control, where Kakashi barely had enough time to sprint to the toilet because his body decided to reject the food all on it’s own.</p><p>Adjustments to his medicaments and diet were made and after two more weeks at home he was cleared for missions. Apparently, he was out of critical condition, the supplements working wonders in filling his body out in all the right places.</p><p>I wasn’t all that happy about it, but it was only natural that Konoha’s higher ups wanted one of their best Anbu back at work, so I accepted while Sarutobi promised to keep the missions close and as easy as possible.</p><p>I wasn’t very convinced, but Kakashi assured me that it was fine, his next case was long time observation and research mainly inside the secure walls of our village, his team still doing missions under the lead of the young Uchiha while he was doing this on his own.</p><p>It was confusing to think about. Obviously, I was not allowed to know details on the mission, but I had to ask myself who it was that Kakashi had to observe within our own rows. The person definitely was high ranking if this was an Anbu level mission, but not an immediate danger or even a traitor, or a whole squad would be breathing down his neck now. So what made this person of interest for the council who ordered this observation?</p><p>On occasion even Tenzo joined in in his research, the two of them disappearing from the apartment in full Anbu gear.</p><p>Tenzo was coming along nicely. Living alone was easy for him, he even made some friends in our group, though Kakashi was always his closest contact for obvious reasons. He recently celebrated his sixteenth birthday and decided on cutting his hair short as a part of growing up. It suited him well and the last growth spurt got him nearly to the same height as Kakashi.</p><p>Together they looked rather intimidating, especially with their porcelain masks in place.</p><p>I only learned what that mission was about when it was too late. The person Kakashi observed for months was no other than Orochimaru. The ominous man fled the village before he could be prosecuted for his crimes, Kakashi and Tenzo gone with him but returning without a trace.</p><p>The mission was not listed as a failure, after all it hadn’t been Kakashi’s job to capture him, but rather to find evidence for his crimes that spanned more than two decades now. But my rival still took it to heart.</p><p>It didn’t help that his trusted doctor disappeared right along with the presumed criminal.</p><p>Tsunade and Orochimaru had been close for obvious reasons. They were teammates, brothers in arms and after all that had happened still friends.</p><p>The blonde woman had been traumatized by the war, losing her brother, her husband, losing another person even years after all that was too much for her. She no longer wanted to be a ninja, or for that matter, a doctor, leaving Konoha with her beloved Shizune in a hurry.</p><p>She didn’t say goodbye. Kakashi’s next check-up was with a man he had never seen before, with a thick beard and a shock of rapidly greying hair, nearing his sixties.</p><p>He seemed sceptical of the diagnosis the woman had written down for Kakashi and unhappy with his path of recovery, which had been going slow and fluctuant, but in my eyes over all positive. He decided to change some of his meds for faster progress, adjusted his meal plan and put up a strict training regimen.</p><p>Kakashi kept to it without complain, but was always a little more stiff when a check-up came near, clearly uncomfortable with his new doctor. I wanted him to talk about it to someone from the staff so they could get someone else for him, but he got defensive, suddenly not allowing for me to accompany him to the hospital anymore.</p><p>So when Kakashi struggled with the new meal plan, much more protein and fat than the last one, I could only guess that he did not talk about it to the new doctor.</p><p>But he very obviously kept to the training the man had dictated for him, always pressuring himself to do more, even though he was still doing missions in between.</p><p>The result was that Kakashi collapsed on the training ground. Luckily Tenzo was with him and was familiar with the actions one had to take to care for someone in this situation, thanks to ROOT pushing them past their limits just like that.</p><p>At first it was a one off, nothing bad, but afterwards it kept happening more and more often, even in seemingly calm situations at home.</p><p>Kakashi was doing some easy stretches in the living room for example. After he got up it took about two seconds for his body to keel over. He insisted that he just got up too fast so I let it slip.</p><p>The culmination was his collapse in the shower though. The hot steam got him so dizzy that he crashed right into the wall before hitting the floor. I was so glad about the open doors rule at the moment because I was by his side in an instant.</p><p>We were lucky, he could have broken his neck if he hit the furniture or the tub first, but the wall only left him with a small wound at the back of his head. I still took him to his doctor immediately to make sure he didn’t have a concussion and to have a stern talking to the man.</p><p>That sadly didn’t have the impact I wanted it to have, because the man only retaliated with an unfriendly lecture to my poor friend.</p><p>On top of it all the man kept messing with Kakashi’s meds, getting him to the point where he refused to take most of the pills. I literally had to force some of them down his throat ending in a real physical fight like we never had before, both of us in tears and full of bruises in the end.</p><p>Kakashi didn’t feel like celebrating his nineteenth birthday. He felt like shit on most days and honestly, he looked it.</p><p>Our friends respected his wish, sending cards and small gifts, but no one came to visit except for Tenzo.</p><p>One card was left unopened. It was not signed on the outside, but the kanji that read ‘happy birthday’ was clean and practiced. The way only a writer wrote. I had never seen a card from Jiraiya before, and we lived together for years now. Why was the man suddenly writing the son of his best friend? And where had he been all the years before?</p><p>I suspected it had something to do with the fact that Naruto was now four years old and constantly stirring trouble in the orphanage. Did the man honestly expect for Kakashi to do the job he so obviously failed at?</p><p>I was disappointed. The legendary sanin were a disappointment. Hell, even after all of these years, this village was one big disappointment! Once again, I felt like a helpless child, recently orphaned and lost to war, where everybody was too busy to care. Neither Kakashi nor I were weak, but sometimes a little help would be… nice, yeah…</p><p>Kakashi wasn’t getting better, contrary, he was getting worse again, throwing up more and in secret. I caught him with his fingers down his throat in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep, after returning from missions, even when he was supposed to be showering, instead hunched over the drain and heaving up whatever he recently ingested.</p><p>Tenzo dutifully reported that Kakashi skipped meal on missions and couldn’t be talked out of it.</p><p>He was a mess. Overall, we were a happy couple, even while not telling anybody of our relationship, but his mood was constantly changing, the pills obviously messing around with his hormones in a way that made him unable to control or hide his emotions away, like he had successfully done for years.</p><p>One day he was cuddly, barely willing to let go of my hand or to get out of my lap, the next day he did not want to be touched at all, losing his temper at every small thing.<br/>Bouts of depression came and went way faster than felt natural. He could cry for hours on end when a day like that hit. Honestly everything could make him cry, food, pills, even water, migraines, nausea, being unable to sleep, sleeping for too long, rain, his fucking dogs!</p><p>Anxiety clawed at him, he didn’t leave the house for anything other than missions or training and only with Tenzo and his dogs by his side. Pakkun, Bull and Uhei barely ever left him alone anymore, always worrying and caring for their human.</p><p>The worst days were those he felt nothing at all. He was numb, dead to the world and mostly non-verbal, just going through the motions.</p><p>Enough was enough I decided. Fuck my career, getting Kakashi the help he needed and not that idiotic old man, that was a disgrace for all doctors and just patiently waiting out his retirement on the cost of all his patients was much more important, so I once again stood in the Hokage’s office speaking my mind.</p><p>“Kakashi is clearly not fit for duty sir. And with all due respect, that is not his fault. He’s been trying for months now to follow that ridicules plan that idiot of a doctor made for him, but it just doesn’t work because that man never listens to what he says! He’s constantly shuffling around his medication, he’s making him worse!”</p><p>I firmly stated, staring directly into the aged eyes of our leader, completely ignoring his assistants and the Anbu guards in the room.</p><p>“Gai, this is not a matter concerning the village, but of personal interest. You should talk to his doctor if you believe his methods aren’t working, or to the head of staff if…”</p><p>I quickly cut him off, venom in my voice that had the guards tensing.<br/>“If you don’t listen to me now, one of your best Anbu might be dead in only a few weeks. Do you have such little care for those that have served you dutifully for all of their lives?!”</p><p>The old man looked a little stunned, never having me seen like this before, because honestly, aggression just wasn’t in my nature. But his eyes softened, getting the Anbu to relax a little while I recognized one of the young assistants in the room as Iruka, an orphan from the war.</p><p>“Okay Gai, I believe you. What do you suggest is the best course of action now?” He asked, calm painting his face and voice.</p><p>“We are going to the hospital together and that incompetent man is going to get relieved of his duty. Kakashi will get the best doctor that damn hospital has to offer and at least a month off so he can recover and get comfortable with this new person, because that last doctor definitely ruined all the trust he had for that place. He probably should get admitted again, and then we’ll see.”</p><p>I kept my voice hard, my mind focused and stern even though my nature was to search harmony, not conflict. “Maybe try to stop running your toys into the ground over the course of short twenty years.” I suggested, sarcasm dripping off my tongue easily.</p><p>The Anbu were instantly tense, some gripping their weapons. Most of them probably never heard such an open verbal attack on the Hokage from someone that was not a member of the council. They were the only ones who could get away with something like that.</p><p>Well except for me apparently, because Sarutobi did not comment, but nodded in agreement and got up. “Cancel everything else this afternoon.” Was what he said instead, Iruka nodding eagerly, making notes in the corner of my eye before we left the room together.</p><p>I led the way home. Kakashi was deep into a bout of depression at the moment, so it was not surprising to hear retching as soon as I opened the door. Sarutobi looked taken aback though, the Anbu had enough respect to vanish out of sight, as un-intruding as possible without leaving their charge alone.</p><p>On our small coffee table in the living room was one of that disgusting protein shakes the doctor had recommended for him and a half-eaten ration bar. The card that was probably from Jiraiya laid next to it, opened and read, heightening the anger I felt for the man.</p><p>I ignored it, leading the man to our well used bathroom where Kakashi sat hunched over, more or less done with heaving he still sat crying silently.</p><p>His eyes went wide as soon as he noticed me, a painful sob ringing through the small room. “I’m so sorry Gai, I tried, I swear I tried, it was not on purpose this time, I promise, please don’t be angry with me. Don’t leave!” He was practically begging at this point, Uhei pressed to his back, trying to console Kakashi in vain, whining softly.</p><p>I knelt down next to my beloved, gathering him in my arms, letting him hide and sob and cry for as long as he needed to. “It’s alright Kakashi, I know you try, everything’s fine. It’s okay, I’m here now.” I tried to sooth him, trying to forget for a moment that Sarutobi was still here, probably staring at my back, watching how one of his best soldiers was completely broken down by a mental illness he was part of the making.</p><p>Even with all the soothing me and his most empathetic dog could do, it still took him a while to calm down to a level where he could look up.</p><p>When he saw the Hokage himself standing in the doorway he quit his cries instantly, staring at his leader in shock. I felt his heart stammering in panic, his chest pressed to my own and I quickly grabbed his face, getting his one good eye to focus on me, not the man behind me.</p><p>“Everything’s okay Kakashi. Hokage-sama is here because he realised you needed help, you can still be a ninja, don’t worry about that right now darling.” I soothed again, the pet-name falling from my lips without thought.</p><p>His only answer were more desperate sobs, another bout of tears taking hold of my love. I let him lean close again, hiding in my taller form. I circled his thin body with my arms, easily lifting him off the ground.</p><p>“We’ll take you to the hospital now, as you’re clearly not well at the moment, yeah?” I asked softly and felt his grip on my clothes tighten while he shook his head.</p><p>“No, I don’t want to go. I’m so much trouble for them, it’s fine Gai. I already got Tsunade-sensei to leave, no reason to make it more difficult, I’m fine.” He stammered in my arms and Sarutobi finally found his voice again at that comment.</p><p>“It was not your fault that Tsunade left. It was no one’s fault. I made a lot of mistakes when it came to you, Hatake-san, so let me do one good thing for you. We’ll go to the hospital now and I will introduce you to Hanemi Hyuga.”</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A winding road</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kakashi get's the treatment he deserves, his dogs are cute but also ninjas, don't forget that and there is finally a little happiness.</p><p>This chapter is mostly comfort and protectiveness &lt;3 It's a little shorter than usual and if there's more mistakes I apologize, but I fell asleep twice while editing x'D<br/>Thank all the people who read to this point and left kudos or comments, I hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hanemi Hyuga was a stern looking older woman. Her face was lined with age and stress beyond her fifty years of existence, clad in a long white robe befitting a doctor of her status and the pale complexion, combined with the milky eyes all Hyuga shared she looked rather regal. A person that instantly invoked the respect she deserved.</p><p>Her shiny black hair was nearly waist long, pulled back with a white satin band to keep it from falling into her face or hinder her work otherwise.</p><p>She greeted us in a small room that looked more office space than treatment room but only gave the smallest of bows to the Hokage, instead choosing to come closer to me and inspect the still softly sobbing man in my arms.</p><p>Kakashi was still unwilling to let go of me, so Sarutobi chose the moment to speak up again.</p><p>“Hanemi comes from one of the branch families of the Hyuga clan, she specialised her Byakugan for the medical field and has served as a medic-nin in the last two wars. Next to Tsunade she is one of the best and most experienced healers our village has to offer. I would like to leave Kakashi’s treatment in her very capable hands from now on.”</p><p>At that the grey-haired shinobi I carried gave another soft sob but could be coaxed into lying down on the examination table at the far wall of the room while the Hokage left, presumably to fire the incompetent prick that was at fault for the state my friend was now in.</p><p>On his way he seemingly informed one of the nurses of our presence, because soon after a slight woman entered the room, exchanged a few words with Hyuga-sensei and handed her a thick folder before leaving again.</p><p>It was Kakashi’s file, the doctor quickly turned the pages, spending more time with studying the last few and frowned in a way that made my skin itch to do or say something. Luckily the woman came back to us before I could make an idiot out of myself.</p><p>“Okay, I see why you’re here. You are obviously not in a good condition, neither physically nor mentally. I’m going to draw a few blood samples first and then we’ll get you hooked on a drip. Some fluids and a little something to calm your nerves will do you good right now. I’m going to remove your shirt, so you need to tell me if you want Gai-san to leave or if he’s allowed to stay.”</p><p>Her voice was firm, but not commanding. It felt more like a gentle hand on one’s shoulder, leading the way while Kakashi was to weak and disorientated to find it on his own. Honestly, the same applied to my own state of mind, it gnawed at me to see the person I love like this, so I was grateful for her guiding us in this unknown situation.<br/>
I had a good feeling about her and not just because the Sandaime assured she was one of the best.</p><p>Kakashi looked a little out of it at first, it had probably been a while since his last doctor asked about simple things like that. I had a strong suspicion that the man just made his patients obey his will. Especially with Kakashi because he was prone to simply follow all orders…</p><p>But in the end, he nodded eagerly, searching me in the corner of his eye so I stepped a little closer, carefully picking up his hand, holding it in both of mine.</p><p>“No, Gai can stay if that’s fine.” He said, still a little out of breath and hoarse from his most recent mental breakdown. The doctor simply nodded to acknowledge his decision, picking up a scissor from a nearby table of tools and began cutting off the loose, black shirt covering his body all the way up to his nose.</p><p>She was careful but precise and fast, she clearly had done this a thousand times already. She slowed once she was close to his throat, lifting the stretchy material from his face and cutting the last string of it smoothly.</p><p>Beneath the dark fabric Kakashi’s skin looked deathly pale. Well, he was always of fair complexion, but this looked unhealthy in more ways than one. It was also rather dry in some places, flaking away with the smallest of friction, not to mention how unnaturally it spanned his thin torso.</p><p>Kakashi was still quite muscular, after all he had been training and doing missions more often than he could probably handle, but his ribs were shining through the thin layer in a way that made it possible to count them all, even giving away a small crook in one of the bones from a break healed wrong.</p><p>His shoulders and hips were the same, the bones sticking out sharply, the muscles surrounding the joints looked as if they were straining to keep his body together even though they were supposed to be lax in the lying position. I didn’t even want to imagine what his body looked like should he force all the strained muscles into action right now.<br/>
Not that I had seen much of his body in the last months at all, Kakashi was always rather cold, hiding away behind layers of warm clothing.</p><p>I sucked in a sharp breath, his quite concave stomach doing nothing for calming my nerves, but the doctor didn’t react in any other way than to do what she announced what she’d do.</p><p>She was quick in finding a vein to her liking in the crook of one bony elbow and secured the catheter in seconds. Three small vials were filled with blood before she hooked the catheter to a bag of saline, hanging it to a pole close to her examination table. Next was a small dose of something I could identify as a sedative with my lax grasp of medical understanding. She emptied the syringe into the line connecting the veins of my friend to the saline and the effect was instantaneous.</p><p>Kakashi’s breathing finally slowed a little, the inhales much deeper than before. His eye was dropping closed at first but opened much calmer a little after, not wildly scanning the room anymore but simply staring at the roof. His strong grip got weaker, losing the desperation in it.</p><p>The doctor rummaged through some more things before returning to our side with two chairs, offering one to me and sitting down in Kakashi’s line of sight. Only then did she start to talk about the struggles than once again brought us here, more or less even giving this long case emergency status with our reappearance.</p><p>“The samples will take some minutes still, would you like to elaborate on what brought you here in the meantime? The last set of numbers on your body aren’t quite so bad, but I can see from eye alone that they’re not correct anymore. Why would you say that is?”</p><p>Hyuga-sensei had a very calming voice. Although she was not talking around things or taking pity in Kakashi, she didn’t sound condescending or demanding either. A quality I could only thank the heavens for after how harsh and stubborn the last doctor had been. The first impression the experienced woman gave of herself was already much better than everything I had seen from that idiot in seven months or so.</p><p>Kakashi still reacted with hesitation though. Understandable, but not very helpful either, so I carefully nudged his shoulder a little, encouraging him to speak for himself even though he probably didn’t feel like it mattered much what he had to say.</p><p>“It was very difficult to keep up with the meal plan. I tried, but a lot of food on it makes me nauseous, some of the medicaments as well. And I got like, horrible mood swings from them. I barely ever cry. Haven’t really stopped in the last three days or so though.”</p><p>He answered, but his voice was wavering, he sounded like a husk of himself, strictly staring up at the roof of the cluttered room while his hand maintained a vice-like grip on mine.<br/>
He closed his good eye, hindering more tears from falling.</p><p>“Ah yes, I noticed a lot of changes in the last two months in regard to your medicaments. That is rather unusual after such a long time in treatment. Were you the one that decided to drop the anti-depressants?”</p><p>I could see how nervous even that one simple question made Kakashi, although his facial expression didn’t change. Instead he was playing around with the drawstring that secured his pants to his bony hips absentmindedly, blinking rapidly.</p><p>“Ah no, I don’t think so.” The answer only seemed semi helpful to me and rather confusing if I was completely honest, but Hyuga-sensei nodded understandingly as if it was normal to simply not remember if something crucial like that happened on doctor’s orders or according to the patient’s wishes.</p><p>“And what about your diet? What is stopping you from following the meal plan?” She continued with the same calm expression, but her eyes were trained strictly on her patient. She was probably getting more out of his non-verbal answers than from the actual words Kakashi could formulate at the moment.</p><p>“I can’t eat meat. Gai told him that, but for my last doctor it was very important in my recovery. It’s just that… After the war I just can’t anymore, I just saw some things that made me.. Well I can’t.”<br/>
Even while saying this my friend already lost the last bit of colour still residing in his face.</p><p>Opposed to this last doctor Hyuga-sensei seemed pretty accepting of this and nodded.<br/>
“Okay, I can understand that. I was involved in two wars, believe me when I say that you are not alone with that preference. Anything else?”</p><p>“Um yeah. I have been throwing up on purpose a few times, but sometimes it just happens? I don’t know. I understand if you don’t believe it, after all I lied a lot in the past, but my body does it on it’s own sometimes.”</p><p>At this the doctor looked slightly annoyed for the very first time, getting Kakashi to flinch a little. She just massaged the bridge of her nose while selecting her words with care.</p><p>“Look Kakashi, I’m not going to accuse you of lying to me. I specialise in both the body and the mind, I am going to accept your words as facts until you choose to open up a little more. I’m not going to force you to do or say anything either. From now on everything will happen on your terms, so please elaborate. Which foods make you throw up either on purpose or not?”</p><p>Ahh, her annoyance was towards her predecessor. She already understood that it would be rather difficult in this case to win her patient’s trust. I could perfectly share that sentiment, but didn’t say anything for the time being, giving Kakashi all the time he needed to get accustomed with her methods.</p><p>“Very fatty food? I know that probably sounds like I’m some girl or some shit, but it just upsets my stomach. It feels very heavy, I can’t really handle that. The protein shakes are pretty bad as well, and um, noodles, I guess. Those are gross when coming up again.”<br/>
He actually looked disgusted while explaining, Hanemi just nodded.</p><p>“Okay, I can work with that. We are going to adjust your plan again, now let me take a look at the samples for a second, then we can discuss about new medicaments. And please, refrain from degrading yourself in my presence.” She excused herself and stood up.</p><p>She was studying scrolls intently, seals and numbers forming around the splatters Kakashi’s blood had left on the paper. I had no experience with medical jutsus at all, especially the analytic seals like those Hyuga-sensei was now creating on the other side of the room took a lot of chakra and intricate knowledge on the matter.<br/>
It was why this was mostly handled by specialised teams in labs with no direct contact to the patient, but Hanemi seemed very capable of doing it on her own without any assistants around.</p><p>Once the seals were finished, she quickly scribbled some notes on the bottom half of the page from hand, returning to our sides.</p><p>“I’m just going to count your pulse for a minute, then I’ll have all the numbers I need for now, okay?” Were her words and only after Kakashi gave a short nod did she place the tips of her finger on the carotid artery right next to his jugular.</p><p>At first my friend looked a little spooked by being touched in such a vulnerable space, but he quickly relaxed into it, evening out his breathing while the doctor silently counted every beat of his heart.</p><p>The elder woman had been staring intently at the clock right over her desk, releasing her patient exactly one minute after first touching him, noting another number as bps at the bottom of the column.</p><p>“Now I’ll have a good look at you with the Byakugan, then my examination will be over.” She announced before activating her dojutsu. The veins and arteries in her face stood out, providing her most high functioning organs with the strength they needed while letting her gaze wander over his body from the toes up to his hair.</p><p>She stopped at several points, leaning closer to some areas before sitting back again, ending her examination with deactivating her kekkei genkai.</p><p>“Okay, so some of your chakra pathways are blocked, centring around your stomach area. This is bad in more than one way considering that it probably causes you pain and also with the fact that you are capable of using all five elemental chakras. Fire and earth specifically gain their power from these points in your body.”</p><p>She was explaining her findings calmly, placing her hand on Kakashi’s abdomen with care, first right over his navel, the centre of his body where earth jutsus were generated, then a little higher, stopping just under his ribs for fire.</p><p>“I know you can still use three other types of chakra, which is very impressive, most shinobi don’t master this in their whole life, but I’m still concerned. I can see that you are underweight again without getting you on a scale. Your muscles are overexerted, there are several stress fractures on your arms and hands. Your data is all over the place with all the chemicals in your body right now and I don’t like it. I will have you admitted for at least a week again.”</p><p>She stated her findings in a stern voice that left no room for protest and for once in his goddamn life it looked like Kakashi wasn’t about to ignore those words and accepted them as facts instead.</p><p>“I will have a look at your meal plan while you’re here, also no exercise, only stretches for the time being. You can summon your dogs if you’re feeling up to it, but I’ll advise against using your chakra in any other way, I will personally take some healing sessions with you to restore the damaged pathways.<br/>
We’ll cut the pills your taking right now and I’ll only give you the bare minimum of what I think is necessary.”</p><p>Once again Kakashi agreed wordlessly, which she chose as her signal to leave us alone for a while, organising a room and the new medicaments for her patient.</p><p>I, in turn, chose the moment we were left alone to lean closer to my boyfriend and tentatively asked how he was feeling.</p><p>“Tired.” Was his only verbal answer and while his eye remained closed, I could see the barest hint of a smile forming on his usually hidden lips at my concern and closeness for him.</p><p>I let go of his hand for a moment, leaning my elbows on the table next to his head. Carefully I kissed his cheek, chaste and comforting, one of my own callused hands petting his wild silver hair. A soft sigh left his lips, the first happy sound in three days, instantly bringing a bright grin towards my face.</p><p>Neither of us reacted as the door opened again and Hanemi did not comment on our undeniably not purely straight closeness. I sat back nonetheless, letting her do her job.</p><p>She held two bottles of pills in her hands and quickly explained their purpose while helping her patient into an upright position.<br/>
“The first one is a supplement. Magnesium is very important for the strength and flexibility of the muscles and your lack of it is quite spectacular. The second one is a new anti-depressant. At first you will take one pill in the evening, we’ll see if we need to add another one in the morning or if anything else, like a mood stabilizer for example will be necessary. For now, that is all though, you are probably very tired, so I advise you to rest. First healing session will be tomorrow around eleven.”</p><p>She was already sitting at her desk, updating the thick file on her new patient as she pointed us in the right direction of the room. It was similar to the last one, not that Kakashi cared, he just laid down and took maybe five minutes top to fall asleep.<br/>
Dutifully I stayed by his side as always.</p><p> </p><p>His stay in the hospital had done a lot of good. The week of rest was used wisely by Hyuga-sensei.<br/>
Even though she was probably a very busy woman, she took her time with the healing sessions for Kakashi, slowly getting him to open up while she was working her soft chakra over his hurting body.</p><p>They fixed his meal plan up in the meantime and also composed a new set of exercises. Most of them were supposed to be slow and relaxing varying from simple stretches to yoga poses and tai chi forms.</p><p>After the week of admittance, he was allowed to go home but was still supposed to check in with Hanemi two times every following week to keep his body and mind under control. Apparently the job of a mind healer consisted mostly of talking, something both of Kakashi’s former doctors hadn’t done all that much.</p><p>He thought her methods were a little weird in that regard, but he sounded fond whenever he was talking about Hyuga-sensei. I was relieved that we finally found him a doctor that was actually able to help him for once.</p><p>The new pills also seemed to work. He was a little numb at first, loosing track of time and sleeping more than usual, but after another week at home he was better than he had been in months, his trademark smile and sarcasm as sharp as a knife back in place. His sleep schedule was probably better than ever honestly.</p><p>He slowly took on more tasks at home under the guise of his healer. He did the washing, cleaned the apartment and did the shopping. Tenzo usually accompanied him to the training grounds but he also did exercise at home, often going for a jog with his pack.</p><p>Especially Pakkun was ever present now, regretting that he was unable to help his master in the months prior they all seemed happy to be of use again.<br/>
It was thanks to the dogs that Kakashi survived the next brick fate threw at his head.</p><p>I got comfortable with leaving Kakashi on his own again. He still struggled with eating from time to time, but he hadn’t thrown up on purpose since his admittance and the few times it happened involuntarily were few and far in-between now, not nearly upsetting my lover as much anymore. He was more at ease with himself than ever, finally understanding that recovery wasn’t a one-way road and neither was it a race. He took all the time he needed and that was good.</p><p>So both Tenzo and I accepted more missions from the Hokage. I still didn’t leave the village for more than two days at a time, but apparently that was enough time for his attackers to catch Kakashi off guard.</p><p>He was still recovering and not fit for missions of any kind, so they took their chance. Kakashi later told me that it was a group of five ninja that attacked him.</p><p>It had been late evening and the grey-haired shinobi chose a route close to the borders of our village, a nice forest trail he often walked with his dogs. Logically he had been all alone, he loved the route for how quite it was, no witnesses around.</p><p>They had probably spied on him since he left the hospital, deliberately deciding on a time were neither Tenzo or I were close and a place where nobody else would intervene.</p><p>What they did not account for was that Kakashi was never weak, even in this miserable state he was a force to be reckoned with, not to mention how vicious his cuddly pack of dogs was in combat, especially if they had to protect their beloved human.</p><p>Kakashi killed three of them, the fourth one got him down, forcefully breaking his leg und pinning his arms under his massive weight.</p><p>It was an equally massive dog that ripped the man off. In an everyday situation bull always reminded me of a big puppy. He liked belly rubs and if someone played with his floppy ears, he was one of the few ninken that couldn’t talk, but that never was a hindrance for Kakashi to accept him in his pack.</p><p>The dog ripped the attacker’s arm clean off his body, the blood loss was what killed him only a few minutes later.</p><p>The fifth and last enemy was brought down by six equally murderous dogs, Pakkun as the cool-headed leader sitting by Kakashi’s side while he was lying on the cold forest floor and protecting him from possible surprise attacks.</p><p>Uhei was the one that ran to find the next border patrol, who helped Kakashi to the hospital and secured the crime scene.</p><p>The dead bodies were all clad in Konoha’s Anbu uniforms. Kakashi clearly stated that they were ROOT affiliates and that Danzo sent them in order to kill him and steal his sharingan. No evidence could be found to confirm this, although Tenzo readily agreed as soon as he was informed of what had happened. The bodies could not be identified.</p><p>I felt guilty as hell. Kakashi could have been killed and I wasn’t there to protect him. My friend just laughed at my concerns, his leg wrapped in a thick cast und his other wounds dressed. He let me cry on his shoulder, patting my back as patient as a saint.</p><p>He spent another few days in a hospital bed before going home to celebrate his twentieth birthday.</p><p>He was the happiest I had seen him in a long time, even with new nicks and a broken leg, all our friends squeezing into our tiny apartment for the evening. Genma and Ebisu had the newest addition of our group with them, Iruka from the Hokage’s office, hell, Shikaku, Inoichi and Choza even brought their little kids with them. Tenzo and Kurenai cooked a small feast for all of us.</p><p>The biggest gift came from Asuma though. After nearly four years he had spent in the capital as the daimyo’s guard he finally would come back home. He was still not happy with his father, but he had cooled down in his time away. If Kakashi could still serve Konoha then he should be able to as well. He also wished to take on students, joked around that Kakashi and I should try as well.</p><p>All of us had fun, Kakashi’s genuine little smile pulling at his mask was the most beautiful thing I had seen since the day I had fallen for him. Both of us slept cuddled together that night, dreaming of a brighter future once again.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Ocean blue eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First of all: Thank you so much for 1000+ hits!! At first I thought this would be a pet project nobody would read because of the heavy topic, so I am very grateful that people enjoy it</p><p>In this chapter Kakashi finally get's some peace of mind out of meeting Naruto again. It's pretty lighthearted although it feels a little disjointed to me, the next one will be pretty hard again though..</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Under the guiding hand Hyuga-sensei offered Kakashi thrived. His body recovered in the span of mere months. After years of uselessly fighting against a disorder that seemed to be the only constant and in control of my friend’s life it suddenly felt easy.</p><p>Of course, he still struggled from time to time. He was still a full time Anbu ninja after all, some missions left him without appetite or unable to sleep, but the pills did wonders in calming his nerves in situations like these.</p><p>He also visited Hanemi’s office in the hospital every week if he was in the village just to talk. Counselling was a very important aspect in the experienced doctor’s methods, one that seemed to work well even though Kakashi would often joke about her approach.</p><p>The yoga was damn good as well, even if my stubborn friend would never admit to liking it. But he needn’t say anything, I joined his sessions and quickly learned for myself how intense and relaxing the poses and soft movement could be. It was a nice contrast to the strenuous exercise we put up with on ourselves.<br/>
We usually got up early, hiking up the Hokage mountain and did an hour long set with the sunrise in our back and the still wet grass under our feet.</p><p>Kakashi would always be thin compared to the bulky frames many other shinobi of his rank shared, but his bones quickly disappeared under a healthy layer of muscle again. His skin looked healthier as well, he got some colour back after the first weeks of eating normally. Not to mention how much happier he looked.</p><p>First off, he could freely talk to his friends once again. He hadn’t been able to really face them for over a year, insecure and worried about everything, now we had our nights out back. Kakashi wouldn’t always eat with us when we went to a restaurant or a bar, but he would come with us nonetheless, joking around in his typically fashion, that all of us had missed so much. No one would mention anything, all of us had some tact after learning about the circumstances of his long absences.</p><p>Iruka fit in with our bunch nicely, although he was a little timid at first, most definitely the youngest next to Tenzo, who was a very competent young man at this point. Honestly, he was more grown-up than most of us would ever be with his seventeen years of age. Iruka was much of the same, aspiring to be an academy teacher after his internship in the Hokage’s office.</p><p>Choza, Inoichi and Shikaku couldn’t join us as often anymore. Their three little children were not so little anymore and took a lot of time from their fathers. Not that they were unhappy about this, the opposite was true, they constantly talked about their cute sons and daughters, and honestly, they were right. Choji, Ino and Shikamaru could melt everyone’s heart.</p><p>Sometimes they would bring their kids, it was always fun, but it also got us to seriously think about our own future. We had been Jonin for a while now, it was only normal at one point to accept students and build a Genin team.</p><p>Asuma had already been thinking about this since returning from his service to the Daimyo, it was him that convinced both Kurenai and me to join him in this new position.</p><p>Not that there was much convincing to do on my side, I loved children and teaching both. It was always my goal to teach a new generation of shinobi that wouldn’t need to sacrifice their young lives and talent to a war their parents had begun.</p><p>Another perk was that I would be close to the village at least until the little Genin were strong enough to take on longer and more high-ranking missions. That would take a while, so I would always be close to my love.</p><p>And let’s just say we were close. Closer than ever before. Kakashi’s body mostly fought of malnutrition in his teenage years and even when he was technically healthy, his mind had always been in a dreary state. This had apparently caused a sever lack of interest for sexual activity. For a while I thought Kakashi was simply not interested at all, that wouldn’t have been a problem for me. I certainly was interested, but I knew how to hold myself back. Love is more than just the interest in one’s body after all. But in the end Kakashi’s sex drive just awoke a little late.</p><p>And with the way our relationship was blossoming neither of us had the desire to hide anymore. We were openly holding hands in the village and kissed in front of our friends without concern. We both knew they would accept us as a couple after being friends all of our lives.</p><p>I always wanted to be close to Kakashi, so taking on students was what I chose to do with my future.</p><p>Seeing the three young fathers with their children also got my boyfriend thinking. He often looked a little melancholic in their presence and would take me hand, hold me close.</p><p>He confessed that seeing them happy like this made him miss his own father and I could only agree.</p><p>But it wasn’t just that apparently, because one evening while lying in bed together he suddenly turned to me and said that he wanted to meet Naruto again.</p><p>The boy was the same age as the three little kids constantly running around our group, the five-year olds probably made him think about the fact that Naruto had to be just as lonely as he was fifteen years ago.</p><p>The blonde was growing up without parents or friends. He was known for constantly stirring trouble in the orphanage, so much in fact that Iruka had told us about several complaints, asking the Hokage to remove the boy and get him a place on his own.</p><p>I would like to say that he was much too young and too small to take care of himself, but that would be kind of hypocritical after I had seen how well Kakashi had handled living on his own at that age, myself being orphaned not long after. Still, it felt cold to deprive a boy so small of comfort, make him live all by himself.</p><p>“Do you really want to meet him or do you feel pressured? I know Jiraiya has been sending you letters, they’re probably all about Naruto, right? I just want you to know that it’s not your duty.” I asked him softly, letting my hand caress his jaw.</p><p>“A bit of both I guess. Jiraiya can go fuck himself, he’s Naruto’s godfather, he should be here and stop pushing the responsibility Minato and Kushina gave him onto me. But it’s so unfair. Shikamaru, Ino and Choji get to be so happy, Naruto deserves that as well even if he’s a Jinchuuriki.”</p><p>Kakashi sounded kind of desperate even though his voice was as even and calm as ever when he was trying to hide something. If there was anyone that would know it was me, so I carefully nodded.</p><p>“Yeah, I understand, but you have to look after yourself first and foremost. I want you to speak with Hyuga-sensei about this before we go and do something, alright?”</p><p>That was something both of us agreed on easily. If anyone would know what to do it was Hanemi.</p><p>My anger at Jiraiya was constantly growing at this point. He wasn’t just pushing his responsibilities for the blonde whirlwind of a child onto the shoulders of my poor boyfriend. I knew how much Kakashi had adored the white-haired sanin as a child. He and Sakumo had been so close when he was little.</p><p>And then, after his father’s death, the man just disappeared out of his life as well, leaving him behind. Naruto was the second child he was hurting with his actions, and even after all these years I knew that Kakashi still silently mourned this loss, asking himself what was wrong with him, that everybody deemed it okay to leave him on his own.</p><p>That night I had difficulties with falling asleep, anger and fear clouding my mind even though the beautiful man I loved was laying in my arms, safe and sound as he slept peacefully.</p><p>The next day I accompanied the younger to his appointment with Hyuga-sensei and talked to her before he got the chance to, informing her about things I thought he would probably leave out of his story, willingly or out of his control, I did not know.</p><p>I focused on telling her about the troubled past Kakashi shared with Jiraiya and the other sanin, the abandonment two of those three left him with, the third one causing their departure.</p><p>She agreed with me that he would probably not have shared this information with her and thanked me. Now it would be much easier for her to assess if Kakashi felt pressured by these circumstances or if it would help him gain some peace of mind if he went to meet the child again.</p><p>After that I left, hugging my lover for a long time before going back home as no one knew how long this session would take, it made no sense for me to be waiting there.</p><p>It was a wise decision to not stick around, we needed some shopping done anyways. I bought mostly fresh vegetables and made sure to get the right breed of eggplant for Kakashi’s favourite miso soup. It was his comfort food and I had a feeling he would be needing it today.</p><p>I kept the flame small so it would take some time. Kakashi was silent while entering, the only sound coming from the door. He looked absolutely exhausted by the time he stepped into the kitchen and promptly summoned Pakkun.</p><p>The dog did not ask why his presence was requested this time, he simply jumped into the lap of his human and started softly kneading his thighs with his paws before lying down. Dogs did not purr, but the soft snores and the wiggling of the pug’s small tail were definitely the canine equal of the sound.</p><p>Only after that did Kakashi begin to relax, so I offered him a warm bowl and he thanked me with a smile as I sat down on the opposite side of the small stable.</p><p>We didn’t speak for a while. Of course I was overly curious how his weekly therapy went under these new circumstances, if Kakashi would go and meet the Uzumaki child anytime soon or not, but asking was out of the question for now. Kakashi would talk as soon as he was ready to, so I could wait a little longer.</p><p>He was carefully petting the small, brown ninken in his lap under the table with one hand, the other bringing the spoon up to his pale lips regularly. At least he was not having trouble with eating, although he definitely looked thankful for dinner being soup and nothing more substantial for the time being.</p><p>Only after was finished and has pushed his bowl away from himself did the grey-haired shinobi look up.</p><p>“I will go see Naruto, but not ‘officially’.” He stated softly and I nodded, waiting for him to continue without prompting him to explain himself. I was rewarded thoroughly as Kakashi began to talk on his own again.</p><p>“I really want to meet him, maybe talk a little but I mostly wanna make sure he’s fine? But I can’t take on the responsibility for a child. Hell, I can barely handle the responsibility for myself, luckily my dogs are way more self-sufficient than I am.“ He said it while laughing self- depreciatingly.</p><p>At that Pakkun sat up rapidly, only his ninja dog reflexes saving him from hitting his head on the table top. He stood on his hindlegs, his front paws pressed against Kakashi’s chest so they were more or less eye to eye while he spoke up.</p><p>“Kakashi, you idiotic child. I know you since you’ve been two years old, I never met a human that was more self-sufficient than you. You are the leader of this pack, we trust you with our lives and you know that, stop acting like you don’t.<br/>
As for the real child. You have taken on too many responsibilities already, he is not your child, so he is not yours to shoulder this time. Every shred of yourself you offer to him is highly honourable, so you should stop worrying so much.<br/>
We will see what this meeting will bring, but I think it would definitely help you and the boy and if it doesn’t the route to take should be obvious. Simply cut the contact again.”</p><p>Pakkun was as usual all bark and no bite. He had a tendency to sound gruff and cranky, that’s exactly what happened now, but the honesty in his words was as clear as his worry.</p><p>Apparently this soft lecture was exactly what Kakashi needed at the moment because he scooped the small pug in his arms and got up, wandering our small living space aimlessly. Pakkun did not like to be carried around all too much, he may be small, but he was in fact a very capable and deadly ninken, but this time (always for Kakashi) he let it slide.</p><p>“Yeah, so Hyuga-sensei decided that I would meet him as hound and not as, well, myself, I guess. It will make it much easier for me to retreat should I need to at any point. I also will have no need to explain who I am because Anbu obviously can’t talk about that, even kids understand what the masks mean. I would like for him to know about his parents and all but I feel like.. I can’t talk about… them.” He finished his explanation lamely, hiding his face in arms full of furry creature.</p><p>“Come here?” I asked him while getting up, my partner instantly stepping close as I laid my arms around him.</p><p>“That sounds good. If it’ll make you feel better, I will always support you, I just don’t want you to get hurt again.” I whispered softly before our lips met in a chaste little kiss.</p><p>“I know, thank you Gai.” He whispered back. “I want to do it after my next mission. Would you join me? I mean not directly, but like in the background? So I don’t lose courage and all that.” He muttered, practically hiding his face in my neck.</p><p>“Of course I will.” I answered with a bright smile, after that our bodies naturally leaned into each other again, the kisses deepening and hands wandering.</p><p>We were so lost in thought actually that we forgot about the poor pug squished between us before he let out an undignified bark.</p><p>“Will you please let me go first before you do the nasty, you perverts!” He yowled and Kakashi dropped the ninken laughing out loud while my cheeks heated up drastically, the wise pug disappearing in a puff of smoke before he even hit the ground.</p><p>“Well that was embarrassing.” This time it was my turn to mutter, still bright red in the face.<br/>
Not that that would stop us, seconds after we were deepening our kisses again, hands pulling at clothes while blindly stumbling to our bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>Kakashi’s next mission came the day after and barely took a week to complete. He was visibly nervous as he returned, luckily it was the anticipation of meeting his sensei’s child rather than the mission itself plaguing his mind this time.</p><p>The very next day he put on his Anbu armour again. A clean set of course, the masked polished and the tanto strapped on his back.<br/>
The pouches usually filled to the brim with weapons were left empty for once, the kunai and shuriken still flecked with dirt and blood, but Kakashi wanted to attend this personal mission first before getting to the ritual of cleaning and sharpening them again. After all he wouldn’t need them for once.</p><p>He didn’t say it out loud but I knew he wanted to go through with it before losing confidence and forgetting about the whole thing, remembering the Hokage’s words from the night that orphaned the poor kid in the first place.</p><p>‘He will be better off without you’</p><p>Kakashi held my hand firmly on our way to the orphanage. It wasn’t like everybody knew who hound was. It was rather hard not to notice who he was because of his hair alone, not to mention his fighting style or the way he slowly had to grow into the armour because of how young he had been when joining Anbu. The youngest Jonin…</p><p>People were just really good at ignoring facts like that because they were uncomfortable to think about.</p><p>Our relationship was much the same. Same-sex relationships were mostly accepted by society without complaint, but some traditionalists still frowned upon it. Especially because Kakashi was the last Hatake, him being in relationship with me meant that the line would end, great genes for future shinobi would not get passed onto a next generation.</p><p>But nobody mentioned things like that out loud. The Hatake clan had been frowned upon for a long time already, a disgrace next to the lines of Senju, Yamanaka, Nara, Akimichi, Hyuga, Sarutobi, Inuzuka, Aburame and Uchiha. Maybe their extinction was the right path.</p><p>On the other hand, people knew how powerful Kakashi was, nobody in their right mind would openly fight him in this village.</p><p>We never had to speak about the nature of our relationship. People had just assumed we were that way anyways, our friends were the only ones that mattered to us, and they didn’t react badly when we kissed and held hands in their presence.</p><p>So there was no shame for us walking down the streets like this, even though there were some stares. Most were probably because of the Anbu outfit and not because of us personally I assumed.</p><p>As soon as we got close to the orphanage I let go and stayed back. I found myself a little spot on the roof, hidden behind lush foliage of a tree in the backyard of the house.</p><p>There was a small playground, soft lawn and sand, a swing set and some monkey bars for the kids, large tree’s and shrouds spending shade and security from strangers. Well, mostly, Kakashi made two quick jumps, landing in a smooth crouch.</p><p>There were some kids playing in the sand, laughing together. None of them were blonde. Instead the child was singled out, sitting on a lone swing attached to a tree branch in the shade.<br/>
There was no chance of mixing things up, the boy was the spitting image of his father.</p><p>The kids looked startled by the sudden presence, the masked person filling them with fear. They were quick to run inside, but the child that was obviously Naruto stayed sitting there, observing the ninja in silence.</p><p>Kakashi stepped a little closer, slow, deliberate, ready to let the boy flee should he get scared as well, but nothing of the like happened.</p><p>When Kakashi stood before him he crouched on one knee, setting his fist down in the soft grass and bowed deeply in front of the child, more demure than I had ever seen him, even if facing the Hokage himself I had never seen him bowing like this.</p><p>“I am highly pleased to finally meet you Uzumaki-san.” He said softly, his voice was barely carrying to the roof with his detached tone and the mask muffling it even more, but I was very attuned to his silent and rough voice, so I could understand at least most of the conversation going on.</p><p>The child was not as silent, giggling loudly and imitating a little bow without leaving his place on the swing.</p><p>“Nobody like ever called me that, you should call me Naruto like everyone else.” He answered as soon as he calmed enough, Kakashi slowly leaving his bowed position to look the child in the eye.</p><p>“If that is what you wish for.” My friend offered, sounding a little calmer already, if only to my ears. “You’re weird.” The blonde said at that and it was Kakashi’s turn to make a small sound that could in no way pass as a giggle, but was equally amused.</p><p>“I guess so.” The taller said after that, Naruto simply nodding before curiosity began shining in his eyes, bright like the sun reflecting in the ocean. His eyes were blue like that, a spitting image of Minato, I could tell even from up here, it must have been overwhelming for my partner down there.</p><p>“What’s your name?” The child questioned and Kakashi tapped his mask wistfully. “You can call me hound.” He answered dutifully, once again getting the child to smile.</p><p>“So, you’re Anbu-san, right?” The boy asked again, his curiosity not having developed a filter just yet, and if Kushina’s personality was anything to go by he probably never would. My boyfriend simply nodded, confirming the obvious statement.</p><p>“I heard Anbu are very busy, so what are you doing here? Surely you don’t have time to be adopting a child?” He continued his line of questioning and again Kakashi nodded.</p><p>“No, I am not looking to adopt a child. You are right, I do not have time to take care of someone.” The tall man answered the smaller blonde and it was the child’s turn to nod, confusion painting his scrunched up little nose.</p><p>“So what else could you be doing in an orphanage? Oh, do you have to fight or arrest someone?!” He asked exited. Kakashi chose the moment to get up again, standing closer to Naruto, leaning onto the thick, wooden stem carrying the child effortlessly.</p><p>“No, I don’t have to fight anyone. I am here to meet you.” “Me, as in specifically me? Not the other children too?” Kakashi nodded, softly laying his gloved hand down in unruly blonde hair, petting the child with as much care as he’d give a scared Uhei.</p><p>“Is that why you called me Uzumaki-san? I though honorifics are just for grown-ups.” The child stated, sounding unsure of himself for the very first time in the conversation.</p><p>“It’s not just for adults. Honorifics are used out of respect for someone, their age does not matter, although all people older than you should technically be respected an honoured. So when I called you Uzumaki-san I said that I respect you as a person even though you are younger than me.” He explained patiently.</p><p>The child looked mesmerized by Kakashi’s careful ministrations and his explanation both. The implications that nobody touched the kid like that and that no one had explained things like that to him, never mind respected him in the first place was visibly hard on my friend, his posture sinking a little.</p><p>Their peaceful little bubble was burst when suddenly an elder looking woman rushed out of the house, stopping a few feet away and nearly having a heart attack as she recognized the person on her playground as a Konoha Anbu.</p><p>She was apologizing profusely, assuring him that she would let him talk to the Jinchuuriki for as long as he needed to, disappearing from sight again. The kids that fled the playground probably told her about the intruder.</p><p>Naruto looked confused as all hell, blinking up at hound with wide eyes, so eerily similar to those of his father. “What is a Jinchuuriki?” He asked, his childish tongue struggling a little with the unfamiliar word.</p><p>Kakashi crouched down to eye level with the boy again, although it probably didn’t change much for Naruto as the boy could not see his face anyway. It was probably more for his own benefit, laying a hand on his middle und curling protectively around it, as if he was in pain. Honestly, he was, the pain he faced was just not of a physical nature.</p><p>“I am not allowed to tell you.” He said, defeated and honest. Nobody was allowed to talk about this with the Yondaime’s child. It would probably have dire consequences for Naruto and the woman both, who was probably the mistress of the orphanage now that I thought about it, even mentioning the word Jinchuuriki to him.</p><p>The child simply nodded, sad and equally defeated, already much too well versed with this answer.</p><p>After that the boy switched to a lighter topic all on his own, relieving Kakashi from some of his guilt, talking about the pranks he did and how he liked to play ninja on his own because the other kids were mean and lame.</p><p>Kakashi only offered small comments and confirmations from time to time, but it looked like that was more than enough for now, the child was glad to have somebody simply listen to him for once.</p><p>The Anbu got up again as the kid started to look tired and offered him a small piece of paper. Inside were some seals and a splatter of blood and Hound was quick to explain it’s purpose. If Naruto was ever in trouble, only real, dangerous trouble, or if he was afraid something bad would happen, he could simple touch the blood with his thumb and call Hound.</p><p>He promised he would come as fast as he could and although the boy was still unsure of himself, he thanked the taller man fiercely, in turn promising not to abuse his gift, playing pranks on Anbu was not allowed after all.</p><p>At home Kakashi offered a wobbly smile as he put the mask down. He admitted he kind of hated himself for not visiting the boy sooner, I tried to sooth him, get him to understand that hurting himself over this would help no one, especially not Naruto.</p><p>My lover was reluctant to agree with this, but let himself be comforted by me, a good sign at least, because if he was truly in a bad way, he would not let anybody get close, not even me.</p><p>The next several sessions with Hanemi were spent solely on discussion the topic of Naruto, of how he felt about the small interaction, about how he wanted to proceed with the new relationship to the small child.</p><p>The result were more small visits in the orphanage, so I guess it could not make him feel too bad or the wise doctor would not allow it to go on.</p><p>He brought Naruto gifts from time to time, a small toy here, a new jacket there. The most liked gifts though were always of edible nature. Not candy like most kids would probably prefer but salty things like crackers, jerky and cup noodles. Things that would not go bad and he could eat whenever he wanted to, it gave the boy a feeling of independence apparently.</p><p>Sometimes he would ask the boy how he was treated in the orphanage, for his own peace of mind. Kakashi had a strong fear that the boy was hurt in the beginning, but although people, especially other children had a tendency to be mean and avoid him he was not hit. No, not even when he was mean in return or played pranks on the grown-ups, Naruto assured him.</p><p>The boy also had great interest in being a ninja, constantly pestering the Anbu with questions about it until the older sat him down one day and carefully explained the way one had to go if they wanted to be a shinobi.</p><p>He even promised he would help him enrol in the academy when he was old enough, that seemed to satisfy his thirst of knowledge about ninja for the time being.</p><p>After a while Kakashi didn’t need me to accompany him to the meetings with the child anymore, confident enough to do it on his own.</p><p>They celebrated the blonde’s sixth birthday together, Kakashi, still in full Anbu gear took the boy with him, visiting a very familiar food stand. Ichiraku welcomed his guests with a deep bow, that was not offered to everyone, but he recalled a very small Kakashi sitting on his stools years ago, accompanied by an equally blonde man with the same bright eyes.</p><p>The only times nowadays the veteran shinobi would visit him anymore was to buy an offering for his dead Uchiha teammate, the man knew that, so he was surprised to see him actually sit down and even eat a little.</p><p>The man did not know much about the gloomy Anbu that had once been an equally gloomy child soldier other than that, but rumours tended to spread like wild fire in Konoha gakure and his rail thin, borderline skeletal frame had never done anything to dissipate them.</p><p>He looked much healthier now and the cook was glad, offering him and the boy the best soup he had to offer. Kakashi was quick to hand his pork to the child, who was overjoyed at that, chattering non-stop. Ichiraku would probably never forget that boy after that, especially not with how often Naruto would visit the stand later in his life.</p><p> </p><p>I spent the next year getting used to my new position as a sensei together with Asuma and Kurenai. We did some guest lectures at the academy first, getting a feeling for the children, making sure this was something we wanted to do.</p><p>I knew within only a few days that I loved teaching children. They were always curious, overeager to learn new things, just like I was. Maybe I was this good with kids because I could relate? Kakashi certainly called me childish a lot, Tenzo and Iruka joining in instantly. </p><p>The three of them were a power dynamic like that, sometimes I wondered if they were secretly related or something.</p><p>After getting used to the kids some lessons on teaching basics followed. We did not have a very strict curriculum, the academy was responsible for the basics, training Genin is very different. It was all about brining out the strength in every single one of them, which was difficult because every student is different obviously.</p><p>But I never backed out of a challenge, so the three of us took on our first students in the next batch of academy graduates.</p><p>My first students were very easy on me. Namko, the only girl in the group was an Aburame descendant, her clan was great at training their young ones, she was powerful with her Kekkei Genkai and learned fast and self-sufficient.<br/>
The two boys came from civilian families. Toma was a very studious child, on occasions I compared him to Kakashi in my mind, knowing about things I could barely grasp. He decided to go into the medical field early on. Sen was the rowdy one in the bunch, but also very ambitious, training harder than the others.</p><p>I was incredibly proud that they all made Chunin on the first try, working together as a team, as well as single fighters, not to mention their scores in the theoretical exams.</p><p>By the time I was twenty-three all of them were more or less going their own way. Asuma and Kurenai were still working closely with their team, but mine just kind of… split up. Their interests were much too different for working as a long-term team.</p><p>Sen was working for border patrol as soon as he did the exam, Namko joining her family’s hunting party, specialising her insects to locate targets and if I told one Hanemi Hyuga about Toma nobody mentioned it that he suddenly got an apprenticeship under her wing.</p><p>Kakashi’s twenty-second birthday was celebrated remotely. The so called Ino-Shika-Cho formation was to busy to join us. Their kids were now at the age that they were frequently training and learning, soon they would be going to the academy.</p><p>Hound was still visiting Naruto on occasions, showing him some moves and filling application forms with him, but he was seven years old now, people weren’t as kind anymore with the pranks he pulled. They were fed up with his presence. He was living in his own apartment now thanks to that.</p><p>Kakashi helped to boy with his chores from time to time rather than talk and indulge him with ninja related stuff after that.</p><p>Iruka was also very busy at the moment, he had recently been accepted as a teacher, his first class was kind of stressing the poor boy out, so he wasn’t there either. Kurenai was on a mission with her team, it was just Asuma, Tenzo, Genma and Ebisu visiting us, it felt very much like when we were much younger like that.</p><p>Tenzo was hanging around more often again, Kakashi filled me in on the why even though he was technically not allowed to.</p><p>Before Tenzo had been working for more than one team or did solo black ops missions, but Itachi had been team leader for a while now, meant team Ro was down one member. Tenzo was filling the young Uchiha’s role permanently.</p><p>Itachi was barely even eighteen at this point, but he had successfully lead team Ro in Kakashi’s absences, so it was no wonder he got his own team by now. Still, it felt like a heavy weight on such young shoulders even though Kakashi had been younger when first taking on the team.</p><p>It was the same with Naruto, the both of them felt like children to us but we had been the same at their age, thinking of ourselves as adults because of a title we carried and pay we received.</p><p>I had more or less forgotten about Itachi by the time the massacre happened, but from then on I knew I would never forget again.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Red as blood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter deals with the Uchiha massacre. Gai and Tenzo are golden souls and the ninken are cute and helpful as always &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Konoha’s relationship with the Uchiha clan had been strained since it’s very funding.<br/>There weren’t exactly a lot of contemporary witnesses left from that time, but it was known that it was a constant war for it’s people. Not much time for scholars to write history down for the generations after, but the rivalry between the Uchiha and Senju was well known nonetheless.</p><p>Nowadays there weren’t many people with actual Senju genes left, but the village and it’s supporters had constantly grown, bringing security to it’s people with their united military forces, the shinobi.</p><p>At one point the Uchiha had probably been forced to cease their aggressions towards the other parties if they wanted to be part of that security system.</p><p>So yes, the knowledge about the roots of the rivalry had been lost in time, but the hostility of the clans was still there. Actually, they were getting worse again. In the third war a lot of bonds had been broken, the suspicions once again rising.</p><p>The Kyuubi’s attack was the recent peak. A big part of the village thought it was the Uchiha’s that brought this tragedy onto them and their hatred flared accordingly. The clan of the sharingan was feared and shunned in it’s wake.</p><p>Even the civilian members of the tribe were once again forced to retreat to their own district, they were not welcome anywhere else anymore.</p><p>This was a known problem, but nobody had anticipated the tragic lengths this would go. Most of the details were still unknown years later, all parties involved died before the truth could have been spoken.</p><p>Word was that the Uchiha planned to overthrow the government and take their rightful place as village leaders.</p><p>The only other people directly involved were Sarutobi Hiruzen and Danzo Shimura, the targets of this coup.</p><p>Somehow the eighteen-year-old clan heir was caught between the frontlines at the time, his best friend and cousin Shisui dying by the hand of Danzo and taking the blame for the incident.</p><p>Apparently it was elected by this cruel man as well that the most “peaceful” solution was to slaughter the rebelling clan before they could attack. Itachi was the one forced to carry out his orders. The aftermath was one horrible disaster to even think about.</p><p>Kakashi’s team Ro had been the first to step into the district after it happened. They had been observing some of the high-ranking members of the family for a while at that point, it wasn’t uncommon at all, in fact Anbu mostly observed their own people, stopping traitors under all circumstances.</p><p>They were to late this time, there was nobody left to catch other than Itachi.</p><p>Every single person with even a fleck of Uchiha blood in them was dead with one exception. Itachi’s younger brother was found unconscious in the main branch’s residency.</p><p>I arrived at the scene much later, it was nearing noon, the sun shining bright as if nothing had changed at all. All elite Jonin currently in the village had been called in, Chunin not getting clearance to enter the district at all.</p><p>They were still carrying bodies, that’s how many people died in that night. There was blood and things I could not even name littered everywhere, even the children and all civilians had been massacred without mercy.</p><p>It was unthinkable that Itachi, reserved and respectable, who had merely been a child when he first got into Anbu himself had done this to his own family, even his parents…</p><p>But his body was the only one missing, there was no sign of him anywhere in the whole village.</p><p>Sasuke was in shock. He was not physically hurt but what he’d seen would be more then enough to scar him for life. He wasn’t able to say much when he first woke up, staring into space uncomprehendingly and stammering in fear, but the few words he said were damning. His brother’s name, confirmation the he had been the perpetrator.</p><p>Kakashi wasn’t doing much better but he was good at keeping up a front for everyone else. Breaking down and despairing was a thing he only indulged in when he was alone and in silence.</p><p>Back then he was first and foremost Anbu Hound, who had seen things so much worse than this.</p><p>The district was swarming with Anbu, they were getting all the evidence available before the Jonin like myself could get to the clean-up, collecting the bodies, transforming them into scrolls and getting them to the labs for an examination. The district would be closed for the foreseeable future, no one had an idea what to do with this ghosted place at that point.</p><p>That didn’t exactly change in the future, the district stayed empty and untouched, like a memorial within our own walls as a reminder why unity was so important in our community even though the clans had their differences. Something like this could never happen again…</p><p>Hound was standing by a column of houses that had only very recently burned out if the smoke still rising from the wreckage was anything to go by, holding an ancient looking scroll in hand. The four members of his team were standing with him, one of them very obviously their look-out even though there was no immediate danger in sight, the others pointing out some things on the buildings.</p><p>From afar he looked calm and collected like he was known for, but Tenzo was standing just a tad bit too close, a comforting hand placed firmly on Kakashi’s biceps, the red Anbu tattoo gleaming with sweat in the sunlight just above it. He was very tense.</p><p>Sadly I couldn’t just abandon my work to comfort my partner. Of course everybody knew who Hound was and what kind of relationship we were in. That did not mean I was allowed to interact with him on duty if the situation did not require our teamwork.</p><p>I dedicated myself to my work in the hopes of finishing as fast as possible so the both of us could go home, so Kakashi could finally drop this façade and mourn the young Uchiha. It was the second one he lost after all. The memories of Obito were still haunting him more often than not.</p><p>Kakashi had an excellent record as team leader, there had been very few deaths under his watch since the very beginning. He had dedicated himself to every single member and Itachi definitely had been one of them, losing him in a gruesome way like this had to be very harsh on the young leader, even if it happened after the young man wasn’t technically part of team Ro anymore.</p><p>It was late afternoon by the time the final body had been taken away, the blood and guts everywhere still remained. The puddles had dried in a way that reminded me of broken earth after a long drought, death personized.</p><p>The Anbu teams on sight were still working hard examining all the damage, categorizing the jutsus that had caused them, reconstructing the fight that had taken place based on their findings.</p><p>They also gathered some artefacts and ancient weapons or scrolls filled with knowledge of the old clan, searching the wreckage. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.<br/>The Uchiha had been known for their secrecy, they would not even share the information about their Kekkei Genkai with Kakashi, who had been gifted the sharingan from one of their own. It was unimageable that they would be happy about their heirlooms being taken. On the other hand, it was not like they had any use for them now.</p><p>Most shocking were glasses filled with clear fluid, the clan’s trademark eyes, red as blood swirling inside. I wondered briefly if they were old, from Uchiha dead for decades now, or if they were freshly pried out of still bleeding faces by gloved Anbu hands. I already knew I would never know the answer and it was probably better like that…</p><p>Itachi was god knows where at this point, fleeing the village and Sasuke was still much too young to be able to deal with any of this stuff. I just hoped he would not be deprived of his clan’s culture and knowledge as he got older.</p><p>I was absolutely beat by the time I got home, soaking in our small tub for about an hour. Kakashi only entered the apartment after night had fallen once again, a simple patrol turning into one of the hardest things he had to get through till this day.</p><p>I was just grilling some eggplant and zucchini, the simple flat bread I made already done and cooling next to the stove. It was food Kakashi could easily stomach even on bad days, but my lover didn’t join me in the kitchen. Instead I heard a door slam, probably the bathroom’s door…</p><p>Quickly I pulled the pan from the flame, cutting the power down and leaving the food behind, trying to find where Kakashi went off to. It wasn’t too difficult, our apartment was small, living space, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. As I had anticipated the door to the bath was the only one closed. Luckily it wasn’t locked, a rule still in place even after years since the last incident.</p><p>As soon as it opened, I heard retching inside, followed by soft sobbing that threatened to rip my heart in two with the sound alone. Nonetheless I was at my partner’s side in an instant.</p><p>The grey-haired shinobi was clutching the rim of the bowl desperately in one hand, the other was relentlessly clawing at the left side of his face. I threw a quick look into the toilet, but there wasn’t much to see, just some dark bile and a little yellowed water from the other stomach fluids. No wonder, Kakashi had been at work for over twenty-four hours at this point and as I knew him, he hadn’t taken a break since stepping foot inside the destroyed Uchiha district.</p><p>As there was nothing left in his digestive system, he was probably done throwing up but he was still gagging miserably from time to time.<br/>I carefully pried his hand from the rim and flushed the rancid smelling connotation down the drain, hopefully that would do something to counter his nausea at least a little. Afterwards I sat down on the lid and pulled him closer to me.</p><p>As always Kakashi’s sounds of despair were small, even our paper-thin walls could catch them so nobody would ever hear him break down again. But his body still shook with them, he obviously had to struggle to catch enough air, his behaviour bordering on a panic attack. To think that he had held in this reaction to the horrible things he had seen all day…</p><p>It took a lot of soft words and my hand carefully guiding down his bony back, instructions for his breathing to slow for him to calm at least a little and only after all that was I able to take his hand from his face.</p><p>As I held them both, petting and soothing over them I could inspect his pained features. The sharingan eye was wide open, a steady stream of tears wetting his overly pale cheek, even the collar of his high neck Anbu standard shirt that had been pulled from his face while throwing up.</p><p>Even the white of the eye had gone slightly red, blood vessels bursting under the pressure. There were pink scratch marks all around it, slightly raised from the clawing my friend had done in his emotional pain and probably actual, physical pain the eye had caused him all day as well.</p><p>The other side of his face was dry, the grey colour of his iris darker than usual. It looked for all I didn’t want to say this, dead. This had probably been going on since he laid eyes on the first corpse last night, Obito’s eye was special like that, Kakashi himself often referring to the gift as a curse…</p><p>The porcelain Hound mask laid not too far from my friend on the ground, carefully placed out of sight. Right now, he did not want to identify as Hound but as Kakashi, because this allowed him to finally grieve Itachi and with him Obito.</p><p>The two Uchiha boys probably hadn’t even seen much of each other in their lifetime with Itachi being the heir of the main branch family and Obito being an orphan from a very small and distanced branch, insignificant to everyone except his grandmother.</p><p>Obito had never been very talented either, the clan not wasting much of it’s time with someone like him, but still, after losing his team member very young and shortly after getting entrusted with another young Uchiha as an Anbu team leader Kakashi had made a connection between those two.</p><p>Losing Itachi instantly reminded him of the trauma he faced while seeing Obito taking his dying breath.</p><p>The last Uchiha, well next to his little brother, that he spared, was probably not dead. But Kakashi knew that Itachi had not been a cold-blooded murderer. Well as little as any Anbu was.<br/>So whatever made him do this, it had to be just as horrible for him, the grief over that was probably worse than grieving an actual death. It was like his very soul was murdered and his flesh left to live with the consequences, banned and hunted by his own village for the rest of his life.</p><p>My friend was leaning his body against my legs, slowly but surely beginning to relax, probably more out of exhaustion than out of a feeling of security if I was honest with myself. He was weakly gripping my hands now, his fingers shaking against mine.</p><p>The sharingan had probably taken a large chunk out of his chakra reserves even though it had not been actively used. Well at least not in combat, I wasn’t sure if he had used the eye in any other way, but the dojutsu being opened, even if just to cry, was enough to drain Kakashi’s strength.</p><p>At least he seemed a little more present now and less caught in the throngs of panic. I continued to sooth him for a little longer though, holding his hands, petting his hair and muttering soft endearments.</p><p>“Can you get up?” I asked him after a while, my back giving a slight twinge at the hunched over position, my boyfriend’s knees probably weren’t doing any better pressed against the hard tile floor.</p><p>The grey head gave a soft nod before his hands held on to my thighs, pushing himself up from there. He was standing solidly but was waiting patiently for me to get up and hold his hand again, only then did the both of us move out of the bathroom.</p><p>I wanted to lead him to the kitchen, but he was quick in changing my direction, wandering towards the bedroom instead. There he let go again, beginning to unbuckle straps and armour, peeling away protective layers of clothes.</p><p>I handed him his favourite hoodie on autopilot, the green one I had gifted him with. It was warm and fuzzy, the constant use of years wearing it down, but he still loved it very much. None of the newer things I gave him could take it’s place and who was I to take away a thing that gave him comfort only because it was beginning to look a little ratty?</p><p>It was still a little large on his frame, easily covering his private parts so Kakashi decided against wearing pants, put on one of his many light blue surgical masks instead to cover his face, followed by an eyepatch. It wasn’t like it stopped the tears but at least it would hinder his chakra from draining any further.</p><p>“Are you up to eating something?” I asked as soon as he was changed, the porcelain mask left behind in the bathroom for now, the armour stowed away, clean for once.</p><p>“I don’t feel like eating anything.” He answered, his voice barely above a whisper. At least he was honest about it.</p><p>“Alright. Wanna go to sleep early?” Was my next question, which was answered by an eager nod, his body language clearly asking me to join him.</p><p>I hadn’t eaten much that day either, waiting for Kakashi to get home, but if he could go hungry more often than not, I could do it for one meagre night.</p><p>Laying down together felt good, having his slim form pressed to my front felt very natural by now, our legs entangled. He fell asleep not long after and I followed just as quickly.</p><p>Kakashi woke up screaming, something that didn’t happen very often.<br/>Nightmares were a frequent occurrence for both of us, but they usually were much more silent, soft sobs and pleading words, tears without any sound or sweating and trembling.</p><p>Shinobi raised in times of war knew better than to scream because of a dream. Better to dream of death silently than to wake up and actually be killed by an enemy, so whatever played out in that particular nightmare had to be living hell for the Hatake heir pressed to my side to make him scream like that.</p><p>He wasn’t just screaming, he was thrashing. A very unfortunate knee of his found my groin while I was waking up, speeding up the process quite effectively.</p><p>I rolled out of bed with my own breathless scream falling from my lips, landing with a heavy sound that apparently startled Kakashi out of whatever dream he had been caught up in. Both of us laid panting for a while after, staring at the roof, not saying anything.</p><p>A grey head popped over the side of our bed, looking down on me, worry painting his one visible eye.</p><p>“Did I get your balls?” He sounded very apologetic and guilty so I quickly sat up, swallowing my residue pain and grinning while caressing his cheek. “Not bad.” I tried to say easily but it still sounded a little breathless, the small worry line on my rival’s brow furrowing deeper.</p><p>“Sure, sorry for waking you.” He answered sceptically, offering a hand to pull me back to bed. I was quick to lay my arms around him again, I could never be angry with him for something like that and wanted him to know that and be physically close again.</p><p>He seemed to understand but his guilt did not lift. I nudged him carefully, encouraging him to speak about it and Kakashi opened his mouth, his lips trembling softly beneath his mask that was still more or less in place even after the nightmare.</p><p>“I dreamed about Obito… And Itachi, and the Kyuubi… Itachi and I, together we controlled the nine tails, we.. We killed everyone Gai. We killed Rin and Minato and Kushina, Naruto, small Sasuke, all the Uchiha, even you. I couldn’t stop, I don’t know, I’m a murderer Gai, I kill people every day, I probably killed more people in my life than in this dream, I…<br/>Obito tried to stop us, we killed him too, my eye it fucking hurts!”</p><p>It was a bunch of word vomit that barely made sense, but I caught what was most important in it. Kakashi’s voice was laced with pain, once again he was clutching the dojutsu implanted in his head, pulling strands of wild grey hair in-between scratching his own face.</p><p>He felt so guilty for all the things happening around him even though most of it wasn’t his fault to begin with.</p><p>I held him firmly, stopping him from doing any more damage to himself and hoped to spend at least a little comfort.</p><p>“We’re going to schedule an emergency session with Hanemi-sensei first thing in the morning, alright? You need some time off, at least until your chakra is back to normal. Team Ro probably shouldn’t work on this case anymore I think, but we’re going to talk it thorugh with Tenzo first, yeah?”</p><p>I tried to offer some calming advice and for now Kakashi nodded in agreement, more tears from the eye red as the blood spilled last night were sticking to his face, ruining the eyepatch and the mask, painting the green hoodie much darker and wetting the skin of my own neck as well in it’s never ending sadness.</p><p>Nevertheless, going back to sleep was not an option, so after sitting in bed for a while both of us got up. I was finally able, to feed him some of the vegetables I had cooked, it wasn’t much, but at least he ate something at all. Afterwards Kakashi summoned his whole pack, sitting down on the floor to cuddle.</p><p>While he was busy doing that and after I was done with my own meal, I went to the bathroom, carefully gathering the mask of Hound, placing it with the armour, out of sight.<br/>Neither of us closed another eye that night.</p><p>The next day was going as promised. Instead of returning to our duty in the ruined Uchiha district I delivered my beloved best friend to the hospital, where Hyuga-sensei was quick to make space in her schedule for her long-time patient.</p><p>After he was safe with her, I went back to the incredibly large crime scene, where I quickly found the members of team Ro, patiently waiting for their perpetually late team leader at the entrance of the district.</p><p>The team was obviously very confused as I came closer, but didn’t comment until I spoke up. They knew exactly who I was and that it probably meant Kakashi wasn’t coming, but as this had never happened before, they looked a little out of the loop, except for one of them who knew me very well on a personal level for obvious reasons.</p><p>“Cat-san, I would like a word with you in private.” Tenzo caught on very quickly, gave a short hand sign for the team to wait and followed me behind some houses that were more or less unscathed.</p><p>“How is Kakashi-senpai?” The nineteen-year-old inquired as soon as we were out of earshot and I shook my head a little. “Not doing very well. He’s with Hyuga-sensei right now, had a pretty bad night. I don’t think he should come back here. I know team Ro observed several Uchihas before the massacre and that your information could be critical, especially with Kakashi’s insight on their kekkei genkai, but still…”</p><p>I started to explain my point to the very mission driven youth, but Tenzo was quick to interrupt. “I know.”</p><p>“He was so off yesterday. He’s very strong, so I don’t want to say fragile… But seeing all this was very bad for his mental health. I don’t want him to get as sick as back then.” He admitted, still feeling responsible for the things that had happened years ago when he was fresh under Kakashi’s wing.</p><p>“I will take on lead as long he’s not here, so we’ll go to the Hokage and ask for permission to cut ties with this case. We can debrief while Kakashi’s in hospital and tell them everything we found and suspect based on these insights, then he won’t have to deal with this anymore.”</p><p>Once again I was astonished how mature Tenzo was. He was always a very good ninja, especially in Anbu terms, but he was also great person and an even better friend ever since we got him out of ROOT.</p><p>I couldn’t suppress the urge to pet his short brown hair even though Tenzo perfectly impersonated the startled grumpy cat at that move, I was so proud of him.<br/>“Thank you very much Cat-san.” I even gave a slight bow before the both of us separated again.</p><p>I actually went back to work after, explaining the situation to the team I had been part of for this ‘mission’ and leaving early again so I could get my friend from the hospital.</p><p>He looked very worn out after the extra-long emergency session and barely three hours of sleep after plus twenty-four hours of work, so he seemed glad that I came, quickly taking my hand and letting himself be led back home.</p><p>Back in our own four walls he summoned the pack again and let himself rest in bed. He very obviously did not want to sleep, Icha Icha booklet in hand, but I quickly took it from him.</p><p>“You should eat something.” I offered. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t happy about that suggestion and I very much believed him that he was nauseas and not hungry at all. That did not change the fact that he should eat though.</p><p>After a long discussion I brought him some ration bars and water. The dogs were encouraging him, so that helped and I let him eat as slow as he wanted to, rummaging through the kitchen so he wouldn’t feel like I was watching him.</p><p>He looked at peace when I joined him in bed to sleep, but once again he was awakened by nightmares, not as bad as the last, but it was still a fight to calm him back down.</p><p>This night there was no screaming or thrashing, instead Kakashi woke in a full-blown panic attack. His thin limbs were shaking uncontrollable, his shirt was sticking to his sweaty back and he was panting and wheezing to get enough air into his lungs, sitting up rapidly as soon as he wasn’t caught in the world of dreams anymore.</p><p>The harsh movement was quick to wake me, the sound of my lover’s pained breathing grounding me in reality fast and getting my reaction time up.</p><p>I helped him sit a little more upright, holding onto his arms in a strong grip to ground him and coached his breathing as best as I could, talking him trough it and guiding him with my own breath.</p><p>The pack was still with us, all the dogs looked worried or even scared but they stayed calm for their summoner’s sake as best as they could.<br/>As soon as Kakashi was more or less calm again their bodies slithered closer to ours. Akino was pulling at the back of his shirt, getting the man to lie down again, Pakkun quickly laid on his chest, an expert in this situation, Guruko mimicking the position on his thighs.</p><p>Apparently the familiar weight and pressure of his smaller dogs always had a calming effect on the Hatake, even when he had only been a child, so the pack was very familiar with this manoeuvre.</p><p>One of his still trembling arms settled around Pakkun, who made those happy little pug snores again, the other quickly reconnected our hands. I couldn’t stop a smile from coming to my lips and praised about him how well he handled the panic attack.<br/>Both of us relaxed, but still, the dogs were the only ones to get a little more sleep that night.</p><p>Tenzo came by for a visit early on the next day, in fact the sun had barely risen and he looked exhausted. Although he was in civilian clothing, I suspected he and team Ro had worked all through the night, he had probably just changed out of his uniform and came straight from the debrief to inform his team leader.</p><p>I made breakfast while the two of them talked, it was not like I was allowed to hear the information the two Anbu shared, so cooking scrambled eggs for the three of us and filling the numerous dog bowls was a good distraction.</p><p>Kakashi didn’t exactly look happy when I returned with the filled plates, he was probably pissed that the team decided on this without him, but he definitely looked relieved that the immense pressure of the Uchiha massacre had been taken off his shoulders.</p><p>We tried for some relaxed small talk after, but it wasn’t easy, the newest events weighing heavy on all of us. At least the dogs seemed to brighten the mood a little, the pack was always happy about besieging Tenzo and cuddling the awkward teenager half to death.</p><p>After the younger left the dogs switched to cuddling Kakashi, the warmth of his pack lulling him to sleep. It was only a short nap, but he tried to eat and sleep, that was good enough for now.</p><p>“I want to bring him ramen.” Kakashi said as soon as he woke again. I instantly knew that he was talking about brining offerings to Obito’s grave and agreed silently.</p><p>Ichiraku gave a bright smile as we arrived at his stand and waved as we left with a small bowl in hand. We always returned them later, so he never worried about his porcelain.</p><p>The day was just as sunny as yesterday. Sadly the weather did not simply change to something a little more depressing just because a tragedy like the massacre happened. The world always went on as if the grief of it’s people was not worthy of notice. Lots of funerals were held on beautiful days like this one.</p><p>Not that there were many people left to grieve the Uchihas, all of them were dead and it wasn’t like they had many ties outside of family.</p><p>Kakashi wandered straight to the large memorial for all the victims of the last war and found Obito’s name easily even though it was hidden between hundreds. He had come here so often already that it happened without any given thought.</p><p>“Don’t you want to visit Dai?” He asked as he sat down in the soft grass. It was his hidden clue, the question he actually wanted to ask was more like: ‘Could you leave me alone for a while?’ Because Kakashi knew I was very close to my dad, but I was not very spiritual, visiting a stone and making offerings was just not something I did.</p><p>I often commemorate my father, but not like this. With the actions I take every day, the thoughts I have and the battles I fight. I firmly believe that our loved ones can see and feel everything we do even after their deaths.</p><p>Kakashi though connected dead people to places, he felt like he needed to visit them in a place like this and needed to apologize and make offerings to be heard by them. Most people did it like that so I respected his wish and wandered through the graveyard while he spoke to Obito.</p><p>He was probably apologizing fiercely for being unable to save his clan after the sacrifice he had made and all that, but I would never know, these words were only for Obito after all. I liked to think that Obito was watching and would say it was not his fault if he could.</p><p>While I wandered between rows and rows of headstones, I often read familiar names and tried to remember all their faces. One of the most present stones was the one dedicated to Minato and Kushina and beneath the names of the Yondaime and his wife, the Jinchuuriki, all the people who had died in the Kyuubi attack.</p><p>The Uchiha probably wouldn’t receive something as pompous…</p><p>By the time I returned to Kakashi’s side the wooden chopsticks had been parted and some of the noodles were gone. The bowl was still mostly full but Kakashi always ate some because he wanted to share with his dead friend.</p><p>The chopsticks were left sticking inside the noodles, the invitation for the ghosts to eat from it when we left. Sometimes the bowl was actually empty when we came to gather it. It was obviously the animals around that ate the food, but it still felt like our offering was liked if it was gone by the time we returned, animals were the messengers of gods and spirits after all, right?</p><p>After the visit to the memorial Kakashi looked a little calmer. Hyuga-sensei had upped his sessions again to two times a week, more if he felt like it, but Hanemi seemed glad that he didn’t simply close up again after this incident. The therapy and pills still worked fine, because Kakashi didn’t get worse.</p><p>Yes, he still had trouble sleeping, especially with the new batch of nightmares dumped on him, but he always tried to eat. His appetite was definitely shot to shit for the next weeks, but the Anbu felt up to working normally as soon as his chakra was fine again.</p><p>Between the experienced doctor, the supportive pack, team Ro, who were very understanding, Tenzo and myself I actually felt like we had things under control. And for once, we had, but some things in the life of a shinobi are never in control. Missions always come at a certain risk…</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Survivor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The end of an Anbu career.</p><p>I actually like this chapter very much. Uhei is my little baby, I love him &lt;3 Hope you like it as well ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a day like every other. The sky was a little clouded, it would probably rain again by noon if my intuition was anything to go by. I had returned from a mission just yesterday, my newest team of Genin and I were escorting an elderly noblewoman, of course the mission was a success and without incident except for the cold winter rain.</p><p>Kakashi had been home then but already told me he would probably be gone by the time I returned. Team Ro had been planning on eliminating a rogue team of bounty hunters, who had formed ties in over seven countries by now. They were getting too dangerous to overlook.</p><p>The information wasn’t exactly confidential, so he told me about it, the only reason the mission was given to Anbu and not to a normal team in the first place was the unknown number and abilities of the enemy.</p><p>Team Ro was known for it’s flexibility in battle, so they were chosen and tried to be as prepared as possible, gaining information from several black market informants they knew about.<br/>I knew they were very capable, in fact this was a mission like hundred others they had completed before, I wasn’t worried at all.</p><p>I had promised my youthful team a two-day break after we returned, so in consequence I had the day off myself. Sleeping in wasn’t exactly my thing, but wandering about in the cold for days put a damper even on my energy. An exception in my schedule was made, I got up much later than usual and ate a hearty breakfast, even including fresh bacon.</p><p>Kakashi couldn’t stand the smell or the sound of it sizzling in a pan so I only cooked it when he wasn’t around and aired out the apartment after.</p><p>Because of the thick cloud cover I decided on an indoor exercise, topping it with half an hour of yoga to relax a little. This was obviously followed by a thorough bath. By the time I was done the rain was falling heavily, just as I had thought.</p><p>I sat down in the kitchen and started filling out the mission report. It wasn’t the most exciting work, but I tried to do everything enthusiastically and in great detail for the desk personnel and the Hokage’s office.</p><p>Loud and frenetic knocking startled me out of my work. I briefly wondered who could be looking for me but was at the door before I could come to a conclusion. Small Apartment indeed. As I opened it, I was instantly jumped by a very muddy and hyperactive Uhei.</p><p>The usually timid and silent dog was barking loudly, probably in a state of mind that did not allow for many human words to flow naturally. He was large but very light so I easily picked him of the floor, worry consuming my thoughts while listening to his pathetic whines.</p><p>The ninken was accompanied by a panting Iruka, who was currently clutching his own knees, trying to get enough air into his lungs again to communicate the situation at hand.</p><p>Kakashi. Something must have happened to Kakashi or Uhei wouldn’t be here and distraught like this. Uhei was the fastest runner in the pack, Iruka probably barely kept up with the fast pace of the greyhound but I had no time for sympathy right now.</p><p>I balanced the slight dog in one arm, the other grabbed Iruka’s collar harshly, pulling the young man upright.</p><p>“What happened? Where is he?!” I growled, my muscles bulging beneath the tight green top I wore.</p><p>I should have been a little more empathetic, Iruka was our friend after all and younger and much smaller than me, but I could only think about Kakashi back then. Was he safe? Hurt? And his team? His pack? What in god’s name had happened to them?!</p><p>The brown haired Chunin swallowed visibly but stayed lax in my grip, not fighting it at all while he tried to explain as fast as possible.</p><p>“The mission was a trap, they were ready and knew exactly who’d come after the rogues and tried to capture the team, selling them for profit. Especially Kakashi and Tenzo have high prices on the black market because of the sharingan and the mokuton.” He was still panting, so I carefully released him, letting him catch his breath.</p><p>“Goat-san is dead, the other four returned about ten minutes ago. They killed some of the rogues, but were mostly concerned with getting away I guess because they’re all injured. Hound-san is in critical condition and was instantly brought to the hospital, although he’s very uncooperative. Your presences would probably help…”</p><p>He quickly trailed off because I wasn’t listening anymore, slamming the door behind me and sprinting towards the hospital, dog in my arms and Iruka at my tail.</p><p> The Chunin teacher had probably been sitting at the front desk with his friends from border patrol by the time team Ro returned. Anbu usually never used the front gates, they were trained for stealth, coming to and leaving from the village unseen. But under these circumstances it sounded like they could barely get through the opened gate on their own.</p><p>The injuries must be bad if the horrified expression on our young friend’s face was anything to go by, Uhei’s soft whining not exactly alleviating my worries.</p><p>And to think that Kakashi was in so much pain that he stirred trouble in the hospital… He always wanted to get it over with as fast as possible when he was hurt, so he could leave the hospital again. That resulted in him actually being a very quiet and cooperative patient, if he was actively resisting treatment, he must be in a very bad state of mind…</p><p>I was at the hospital in record time, loosing Iruka somewhere on the way, but that wasn’t a problem as I was already expected.</p><p>Even the entrance hall was loud, filled with screaming personnel, nurses running around and the even louder voices of team Ro, pain and panic, in the background. There were large smears of blood and mud on the floor. The front desk was currently empty, but the few people sitting around in the waiting room looked shocked and were waiting patiently without interrupting or complaining.</p><p>All of them, civilian and shinobi alike probably realised how serious this was and how minor their health problems were in compare, at least for the moment.</p><p>One nurse was running in my direction before I could make out the room Kakashi had to be in, practically throwing me a towel so I would not drip rainwater on anything. She didn’t need to say what was going on, I just followed her fast footsteps into one of the nearby emergency rooms, letting the dog in my arms down on the way.</p><p>The large room was in utter chaos. My eyes were quickly focussing on the gurney that held Kakashi. Well more or less, because he was actually held down by a male nurse that looked vaguely familiar and a very broad man I could only identify as Bear-san because of his ripped and dirtied Anbu uniform and the short and prickly salt and pepper hair atop his head, although a good chunk of it was missing and replaced by a bloody clump.</p><p>Hyuga-sensei and a female nurse were pressing down on his middle with what looked to be considerable force, trying to hold in blood and possibly organs. My knees felt weak at the thought, but I needed to be strong right now, so I stepped closer, discarding the towel on the floor. The room couldn’t get much dirtier anyway.</p><p>I realized the other small form surrounding the gurney was Tenzo. He was holding down a weak arm of his team leader. Weak because the shoulder was obviously dislocated, but it was still taking Tenzo’s all because the poor boy was sitting down, too weak himself to even be standing but too stubborn to leave his senpai alone in this dire situation.</p><p>I was so very proud of the teenager, but he needed treatment just as much as Kakashi I feared. His throat was black and blue as if someone had actually tried to break his neck with as much force as possible. One of his hands was definitely broken in numerous places, he was just holding it limply and pressed down on Kakashi’s arm with his wrist instead while the other hand was clutching his team leader’s biceps.</p><p>The young brunette was silent and sweating, working hard. Meanwhile Kakashi was screaming wordlessly, just animalistic fear and pain, the pressure his doctor put on his injured middle too much for him to handle.</p><p>Bear was screaming as well, trying to catch Hound’s attention, to get him to calm somehow. Even the giant of a man had difficulties holding his leader down, the uninjured arm straining against the hold, adrenalin making him strong.</p><p>It would have looked comical with Kakashi looking like a beanpole in his armour compared to Bear’s huge form, but the situation was much too serious for thoughts like that.</p><p>A quick look down his body was enough to tell me that Kakashi’s right leg was horribly broken and his middle cut open, probably a stab right through his back, opening up his front as well. His dislocated shoulder actually looked like the least pressing injury, much more concerning were the cuts in his face.</p><p>To be specific, right under his eye. The realization was quick to come: They tried to take his sharingan. There was a lot of blood but as he blinked it was visible, the eye was still where it belonged…</p><p>I could have cried in relieve, instead I stepped closer, carefully pushing the male nurse away and entering Kakashi’s small field of sight while holding him down with one hand. The other tapped his uncut cheek with care until I finally caught his attention.</p><p>“Stop thrashing!” I barked at him as soon as I was sure he’d actually been listening.</p><p>It may have sounded harsh for an outsider, the nurse assisting Hyuga-sensei flinched pretty badly, but Kakashi and I were soldiers. Sometimes orders just worked best on calming us and keeping us in line.</p><p>The sound Kakashi made was somewhere between a growl and a groan, aggression and defence slowly fading away, even more pain taking their place.</p><p>But Kakashi actually worked on calming himself now, his injured arm going lax beneath Tenzo and the good one clutching his strong subordinate’s shirt instead of fighting him. He wasn’t in a fight or flight mode any longer but realized what was going on around him, that was much better but also pretty painful.</p><p>It meant his adrenalin was fading away and his system would fall into shock rapidly. I could already feel his trembling by the time I touched his face again.</p><p>“It will be alright Kakashi, Hanemi’s here, she will give you something for the pain in a second. Tenzo’s here as well, you’re  home, you’re safe.” I tried to reassure him, looking around the room again, trying to find other things to ground my friend with.</p><p>On the other gurney in the room laid a tall woman with moss green hair, clad in a familiar Anbu uniform. Another doctor was working on her unconscious form, more nurses swarming around him and assisting with her injuries.</p><p>I quickly spotted her mask next to her, the porcelain was decorated with the detailed pattern of a turtle’s shell.</p><p>Another group of nurses was crouching down on the floor, talking in hushed voices to the pack of ninken, that had helped team Ro fight and brought them home. I felt like a hefty weight had been taken of my shoulders when I realized all eight of them were there.</p><p>They had quickly gathered the trembling Uhei in their middle, comforting their teammate. The dogs had some minor injuries and were muddy and wet, but the nurses were doing good work, cleaning and bandaging them.</p><p>Pakkun was explaining the situation it seemed, as all the human Anbu members were currently not able to give details on the attack.</p><p>“You’ve done so good, Turtle and the dogs are all here, the team’s safe.” I mumbled close to him while I watched Hanemi step back, another nurse taking her place and putting pressure on the wound.</p><p>The Hyuga doctor was quick while selecting an anaesthetic to calm her patient and minder his pain, filling a large syringe in record time. She handed the thing off to one of her numerous assistants and selected a bag of clear fluid and a blood bag, brining all the necessities for an IV with her.</p><p>With all the blood painting the room and the nurses nearly up to their elbows his blood pressure had to be pretty low, not exactly easy to find a good vein. It took even the experienced doctor a while to find one, it felt like a goddamn eternity while I had Kakashi shaking beneath me, cold sweat wetting his ashen skin.</p><p>Meanwhile I watched the nurse ever so slowly emptying the painkiller into my boyfriend’s bloodstream. I knew it couldn’t be done any faster or his shock would get even worse, but the sounds of his pain were overwhelming.</p><p>At some point in the whole ordeal, honestly, I couldn’t tell when, I was handed some medical wipes and had started to clean the ugly cuts on Kakashi’s face with them.</p><p>By the time it had stopped to bleed, Hanemi had finally secured an IV in the crook of his arm and the painkiller was gone. His trembling was weaker now, he was silent except for his loud, laboured breathing, his arms had gone slack.</p><p>The doctor was calmly assessing the damage now that the initial shock was over and another set of nurses was guiding Bear away so he could be treated as well. The same was true for Tenzo, although the weakened teenager was still stubborn and wanted to be at Kakashi’s side.</p><p>I wanted to say something, but Hyuga-sensei was faster than I could hope for.</p><p>“I will take him to another room where you can’t come, so you should use the time wisely and get treated yourself. And before you ask: Gai, you can’t come either.”</p><p>I was ready to protest, but once again the woman was much faster than me and firm in the way she spoke.</p><p>“The room needs to be sterile; I will literally stick my hands into his bleeding intestines, his family should not see that. In fact, I will not allow it. Hatake-san is going to be unconscious anyways, so there is nothing you could possibly do except for wait and rest until he is awake again.”</p><p>While she was explaining the nurses were already taking bloody armour and soaked clothes off his form, his eyes were dropping closed more often than not, the anaesthetic doing wonderful work on Kakashi.</p><p>The one grey eye my beloved had was only looking at me while he was losing consciousness. He was calm now, he knew he was safe as long as I was there. Seconds later he was out like a light and Hyuga-sensei and the nurses took him away for his treatment.</p><p>I swallowed thickly. I felt empty as soon as he was out of sight, useless and guilty.</p><p>Tenzo probably felt even worse if his expression was anything to go by, and not just because he himself carried horrible injuries. This failed mission had deeply disturbed our younger friend and I felt a burning desire to finally know what had happened. Kakashi did not simply get injured like this, even if he was lured into a trap and surrounded by many capable enemies. Kakashi Hatake is one of the strongest shinobi in this village, if anybody knew of his true strength it was me, things like this don’t happen to people like him…</p><p>Tenzo begrudgingly accepted the nurses stitching up his wounds and hooking him onto his own set of fluids and painkillers. An ugly burn covered most of his back, I hadn’t noticed it until now. He couldn’t look me in the eye.</p><p>A feeling came over me that the young Anbu I was facing felt responsible for Kakashi’s injuries, the guilt of it was weighing on him heavily, so I carefully sat down next to him while he was cared for.</p><p>Tenzo was similar to Kakashi in a lot of ways, after all it was the reason they got along so well, so I knew not to press him for information. He would tell me about the failed mission as soon as he was ready. He probably needed to bring his thoughts in order first anyways.</p><p>I didn’t have to wait long. Right after a doctor I did not know stepped back from healing his throat with her chakra as best as she could at the moment he began to speak.</p><p>“It was a trap.” Were his first words, still horribly hoarse, his throat still looked like hell even after the healing. “I know, Iruka told me already.” I agreed patiently and the brunette nodded softly, wincing slightly while a cooling gel was applied to his burned back.</p><p>“They ambushed us before we even reached their camp, perfectly countering our attacks. They were going for our bounties, probably provoked Konoha into acting and sending us specifically on purpose. It wasn’t going too bad until I fucked up… They caught me by surprise, fire is kind of my weak point.” He admitted in a pained voice.</p><p>I wasn’t any good with the elemental chakras, not having one myself to begin with, but Kakashi was an expert. He taught me well, so I knew that the Mokuton was a unique ability that combined earth and water chakras. Tenzo also had a slight affiliation with the wind chakra, but fire was his opposite, as he said himself, his weak point.</p><p>“They killed Goat right away while they tried to capture me, they probably wanted to do the same to me but I wasn’t afraid. Dying is part of every Anbu’s duty should they get captured by an enemy, we do under no circumstance compromise our village. Kakashi, he…”</p><p>Tenzo failed to find his words after, stammering a little and squeezing his eyes closed, the memory of the fight still too fresh and haunting.</p><p>Pakkun stepped up for him, jumping into my lap like it was the most natural thing when in reality he only ever blessed Kakashi himself with gestures like this.</p><p>There were some small scratches on his hindlegs, but they were so small that the nurses only cleaned them out and left them open to dry without bandaging them. Otherwise the dog seemed completely fine, although he was still pretty dirty.</p><p>The pack gathered around us, searching comfort and listening to their canine alpha while the human one was away. There were some bandages visible on them, Bull and Akino had taken the brunt of the injuries it seemed, the physically strongest dogs in the pack, so I knew there was no need to worry. All in all, they were shaken, but not hurt too much.</p><p>“Kakashi intercepted the killing blow intended for Tenzo. The strong earth release impaled his middle, but he was able to counter it before it could hurt Tenzo by copying it. The enemy dislocated his shoulder while he was still impaled, intending to capture him. Turtle freed him from the jutsu but was electrocuted by another rogue, effectively incapacitating her. She’s alive for now, I hope she’ll make it.”</p><p>I remembered the green haired woman from before and silently agreed with the dog sitting in my lap. I dearly hoped she would make it as well, she was probably the reason Kakashi was still alive.</p><p>“Bear carried her with her since then, leaving her behind would have been a death sentence. The pack split up to help Tenzo and Kakashi. The enemy was very informed, they tried to separate them, going after each one with high numbers.”</p><p>Pakkun sighed deeply at that. It sounded a little odd with his short pug nose, but the sentiment in it was clear nonetheless.</p><p>“One of the enemies broke Kakashi’s leg pretty badly, the held him down right after, trying to bind him with seals. They were going after his eye, but the sharingan is a fascinating ability no one but the Uchiha fully understood.<br/>The eye changed somehow, it got darker or something and suddenly the man trying to pry the eye out of his head was gone. I did not know it could do that.”</p><p>Pakkun wasn’t alone with that, Kakashi had never told me about these abilities of the foreign kekkei genkai inhabiting his body either. My rival probably hadn’t even known the eye was able to do that himself.</p><p>“He did it again and again until the eye couldn’t even be opened anymore. Bull killed the man trying to kill Tenzo and Akino protected Bear. It was him that teleported the team back to Konoha. Kakashi barely even reacted to us anymore, he was pretty far gone. But it was by no means Tenzo’s fault this happened. Kakashi himself chose to protect him and was ready to give his own life in return.”</p><p>I was a little speechless after all of that. Especially because Tenzo looked close to tears. There was nothing wrong with that, I was all for manly tears, but the young man had been raised by ROOT. Because of that he barely ever showed emotion, I had never seen him cry before. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me the extremist Anbu branch had cut out his tear ducts or something.</p><p>Tenzo apologised in a very timid voice I had not heard him use since the first few days he had shared our apartment. I waved him off and tried to go for an optimistic smile. I wasn’t very successful for once.</p><p>I sat with the young Anbu the whole time until the doctor was finally done and let Tenzo go. He would need to stay in the hospital for a while, burns took a long time to heal, even with good chakra healers like Konoha had.</p><p>Before he left, I told him I was glad he was fine, trying to diffuse his guilt a little. It didn’t do much, the only person that would be able to console him was probably Kakashi himself…</p><p>My partner’s treatment would still take longer, one of the nurses told me it wouldn’t make much sense for me to hang around the whole time. Obviously I disagreed.</p><p>I didn’t leave the hospital, but another nurse quickly showed me a large bathroom I could use. The dogs really really needed a shower and some comfort. It was a good thing to do while Kakashi was unable to care for his pack.</p><p>I started with Bull because the blood was beginning to crust in his short hair and I needed to be extra careful so the bandages wouldn’t get wet. Then I took Akino aside for a good wash and cleaned every single dog until I ended with the smallest, Bisuke.</p><p>Getting them dry again ended in a big cuddle session, but honestly, that was probably exactly what all of us needed right now. It had been a very long time since we last saw Kakashi this close to death.</p><p>After that we patiently sat down in the waiting room, the numerous dogs getting some weird glances as most animals weren’t permitted to even enter the building. Ninja animals were the exception of course, but without their gear and freshly washed and fluffy they did not look it. We did not speak either, just sitting and waiting.</p><p>Hyuga-sensei herself came to gather us and we eagerly followed. She looked tired and grim even though she said he was fine.</p><p>He was already awake while we entered his room, the once again injured half of his face bandaged. The rest him was covered by thick blankets with the exception of his IV arm.</p><p>“Gai, you need to tell him I’m still useful. I can still be a shinobi, I can still be Anbu. I’m not like dad.” Was the first thing he said before I could even close the door behind me.</p><p>I felt the tears gather in my eyes because I knew exactly what he was referring to.</p><p>Kakashi got injured because he wanted to save Tenzo, because he protected somebody, going against the mission and his own survival in turn. The traits that defined Anbu were killing and dying for their village.</p><p>Kakashi felt like he failed. Kakashi wanted me to tell Sarutobi that he didn’t, that he could still be Anbu and first and foremost, a ninja, that he wouldn’t die like Sakumo had…</p><p>Bisuke and Uhei jumped into the bed before I could form an answer. The sounds they made eerily reminded me of sobs, although I was sure dogs did not have the ability to cry. The large greyhound curled himself up next to Kakashi’s head, much smaller in appearance than I had ever seen before, Bisuke started licking his summoner’s face earnestly. The others were quick to follow, due to the injuries staying down on the floor.</p><p>“We’re so glad you’re awake! You’re going to be fine, right?!” Their voices were a happy little choir interspersed by soft barking and yips. Kakashi pet all of them with great care for the IV line taped to his arm, but he was still looking grim.</p><p>“You’ve got to tell him.” He said again, pleading with me.</p><p>“For now you don’t need to worry, you’ll be here for a while.” Hanemi interrupted him and started listing the various injuries he had sustained.</p><p>Kakashi barely looked like he was listening, he was just staring at me, utterly defeated as if he already knew what would await him in the future.</p><p>Hiruzen visited the very next day, an Anbu Taicho at his tail I had not seen before. She was a rather small woman, but stocky, much broader than Kakashi for example. Her mask was that of a rhino. She must be the most high-ranking Anbu in our whole village.</p><p>They told their condolences for the lost team member and apologized. This trap had been their mistake and not Kakashi’s. I fully agreed, but that was not the point of their visit.</p><p>“I heard of your great actions in this lost battle, Kakashi, and have come to a conclusion that was long overdue.”</p><p>Both Kakashi and I knew what Hokage-sama would say next. I suspected Kakashi had known this was going to happen the second he threw his body in front of Tenzo’s to protect the younger. And he had feared it for much longer.</p><p>“You have a very pure soul. A soul that is made for protecting others rather than to kill. I have tarnished it for long enough now, I think. After over a decade of duty you will be released from Anbu services and gain a normal Jonin status. I would greatly appreciate it if you would give teaching a try, you have much knowledge and talent to give for the future generations to come.”</p><p>Kakashi sat up rapidly, but the pain he felt had nothing to do with his body.</p><p>“No! Hokage-sama, I can still be useful, I can still work, I was always a good Anbu! You said so yourself, it is the only thing I am good at!”</p><p>“I know. It was a mistake and very unfair of me. I wish I could take it back Kakashi, but I cannot do that. All I can do is admit that I was wrong. You are much more than a tool. You can and will be useful out of Anbu as well.”</p><p>Sarutobi tried to sound patient and calm, but Kakashi was rapidly descending into a state of rage and panic.<br/>“You can’t do that to me, I should do what I am good at, I will do that, I can still lead team Ro!”</p><p>“There is no team Ro left. Bear has already been reassigned and Cat will go back to solo missions. Turtle will probably not recover her chakra abilities and is going to live a civilian life as soon as she is able to even leave the hospital. You will do as you are told. If Hokage-sama tells you to take on a Genin team that is what you are going to do.”</p><p>It was Rhino that spoke up and Kakashi flinched at her hard voice. “I understand.” He said after a while of silently staring at her porcelain face, his voice obedient and empty.</p><p>“I wish you well Hound and I hope to never see you again.” The stocky woman said, handing him a clean porcelain face, clearly painted with the classic features of Hound.</p><p>I was just as confused by the movement as Kakashi himself was it seemed. As far as I knew it was custom that all evidence of retired Anbu were destroyed, especially the masks that identified them.</p><p>Her handing the mask to Kakashi was like admitting that Hound would always exist, even out of the confines of Anbu and that he was actually allowed to use this persona still as Hiruzen was watching over it and okay with her actions.</p><p>Rhino pet every single dog in the room before turning and leaving without even acknowledging my presence. Sarutobi bowed slightly before leaving as well.</p><p>Kakashi laid the mask down on the bedside table and let himself fall back onto the mattress, staring at the ceiling without any visible emotion painting his face. Urushi was serving as his pillow for now, watching him with worry.</p><p>“Why do I always survive when I fully intend on dying?” He asked in a soft tone, genuinely confused about the fact that he was actually twenty-two years old now and an Anbu veteran while so many people he had known died on the way here.</p>
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